Untitled Letters

March

March 3, 2016

Dear you,

First, I'd like to tell you that my condition is getting worse. I ran out of reasons to get up from bed each morning. I've lost all those reasons because I don't have you anymore. I thought it's finally happening, that I'd forget about you. I thought I wanted to but it would be a pity to forget all those memories. I guess, the only one stopping me is me. Call me vague or confusing but now I'm sure that I DONT! want to forget about you no matter how annoying it is to be reminded of you in the small, silly things. Last night, I was watching tv. A boy turned to look at the girl another time. I remember how it was back then. I wanted to check if you like me, so during procession, when I saw you, I turned and looked at you wondering if you would look back. And you did and I followed you with my eyes and so did you until we're too far away.

You might not remember but I do.

Now, what I really want to tell you is about my dream last night. You were there again, in my dreams, just like the dreams I had before. I wish I could have a chance to tell you what happened in those dreams. But last night, it was painful and I didn't want to wake up. Not unless I could change it.

We were in one house, there was only one bed room. It was a big one that had double beds. My mom was in charge and she assigned us our beds and seeing that we had a space shortage, she asked me to stay next to you, being that I was small. You placed your things there, I had no things.

When night came, I wanted to wait for you but you left. Before I know it, you were with this fat girl under the moonlight and I felt a chill down my spine. I cried and tried to stop you and when I couldn't, you left, & I curled myself on that bed beside your things, yearning for you to come back. I tried to stay awake the whole night waiting for you but after crying, I fell asleep.
When morning came, I was still alone in that bed. But you were about to come home sleepy and tired. The room was empty but it was a mess so I cleaned it up just before you see it.

And I woke up. I wanted to go back into my dream & persuade you to sleep next to me. I could cuddle with you until we fall asleep. I want to show you that I care about you even if you've replaced me with a clown. Maybe I'm wrong and cruel... Maybe I'm too much. Maybe I'm just trying. One day, I hope I don't have to try. I hope one day you'll come back to me all on your own. No matter how painful... Even if I'm impatient, I'll still wait for you. I love you!

Love always,
M

P.S.: part of that dream was your parents. When they saw me cry, they showed me a picture of you when you were a baby. They told me that when you looked at the stars, you'd just burst with laughter. But now, they long for your smiles and they told me, asked me to make you laugh again. But how?

March 7, 2016
Dear you,
Yesterday, I broke down. I thought I was strong enough to hold back my tears but I cried in church. You see? This is the reason why I lost my drive to serve. I told you that I can still remember every memory of you and when I'm there, I see you everywhere. People might ask me why I cry. I hate to lie but I have to find another excuse. Fine! I want to look strong, I admit! I don't want to look like a fool anymore. But still, I get laughed at. Maybe I look funny. Even to you..

The truth is, I cried because I don't know if my prayers will ever be answered. What's the point? So, I prayed for other people. I prayed for you, too. But me? No.
Still, if I had a wish for myself, it would be to have you, to be with you, to embrace you tight. I am still holding that favour I was going to ask you. I want to spend just a little time with you. We can just talk.
I know you're with her but perhaps I could borrow you for a little while. Please!
If only you knew how much pain it caused me. If only you understand that I'm still trying to figure out my place, who I am. I really thought you liked me because of the way you moved. I swear I saw you smiling at me and that I'm not crazy. I just needed to confirm. That somehow, some time, you did like me and it changed me. I became a little more confident. When I believed you, it's like I believed in myself, too. But now that you're gone and now that you've replaced me with someone else, all those things became invalid. I just cannot erase that statement and it's like bloody logic.

I still have feelings for you that no other boy could remove. Please, you have to feel the same way for me, please. S'il vous plait! Tu me plais! J'taime!

Love,
M

March 8, 2016

Dear you,
I miss you! Today, I was watching television again and I was reminded of how you said that no matter what I do I will never be a bother to you. You asked me why I was so kind to you, you haven't realized that you've been good to me, too. Now I wonder if you're just good to everyone. Why did I think I was any different? I know I should be happy being ordinary. That's one thing I'm good at. But the thing is, I wasn't special to you. When you said you couldn't face me I just thought you were shy and afraid of your feelings. I thought you had feelings for me.
I was so stupid. Why do I always give meaning to everything? I can't accept reality and I refuse to see reality. I'd rather live inside my dreams where I dream of you and in those dreams, to you, I'd be special. I'll be your only one.
I miss the old times, I miss talking to you. I still wish you're okay. I still pray. But I no longer pray to God to remove this pain. Because there's no use. I'll hold on to this pain as long as it takes until the day you'll realize that I was special to you. Somehow... That there were things you only told me and not anyone else... All I wanted was to standout. Maybe not in the world but at least in your eyes... I don't know... I love my family but I also love you. Stay safe.

Love,
M