Untitled Letters

August

August 2, 2016

Dear you,

Why are you still so kind to me? Surely, I know I have bothered you all the time. I understand that you've been busy lately and I just pray. I pray that you're okay, I pray that you'll do good in all your classes. I pray that you get good grades and ace your tests. And, I pray that you'll always be happy. All I can do is pray. Yet, sometimes, I want to know if my prayers are effective. Maybe, I've gotten a little bit like a control-freak. But, please, don't get me wrong. I don't want to take control of you or your life. I just want what's good for you. (And, I want you to come back to Church) I know, I feel like sometimes it doesn't seem that way. Because, I'm scared and I fail and I lack to give you my efforts. (Actions speak louder than words) I'm so sorry. But still, thank you  for being so kind to me. I'm lucky enough to have a conversation with you even if I can't see you.

But then again. I need to think. I have put myself down too much. I've placed you on a pedestal and forgot to see my own worth. I feel so low now. I can't even save a little respect for myself. I let you go. I let  you get away. All I wish is for you to love me. I really wish you'll think of me and realize that you love me. That you did and you still do. And I hope that when you realize this... you'll do something.

Love,

M

P.S. Last night I dreamed of you. You said you missed me. You were standing right there and I was supposed to just pass through. But then, you called me and made me turn my head, and then you told me you missed me. And, when I was at home, I saw that you sent me a voice message. I had to play it twice to understand. You said I should focus on my review. The rest of the dream I can't remember.

I feel so jealous of sweet couples and girls whose guy would give her all his efforts. I wonder when someone I like would do the same for me.

August 4, 2016

Dear you,

I saw a glimpse of you last night in my dream. You were among a group of altar boys and all I can see all around you were white garments.

Right now, I'm craving for your physical presence even though I never touched you before. It's not the same anymore. I wonder when will I see you again... and all our common friends. I want to go back in time. They would sing us a song, they'd hide messages on their faces but somehow you know exactly what they meant --> that they want to pull the two of us together... I pray that one day, we will.

And, then, I was half-asleep, partly dreaming and partly daydreaming. I was daydreaming how I would behave around you in the future. I decided that I have to avoid you when that time comes. And I imagine, that you'll be the one to want to talk to me. You'll be the one to catch up with me even if I walk away. You ask me if I am already tired of loving you and I'll say I'm not tired. I'll make sure to find another chance with you and that for now, I need a short break from this pain. I was half-asleep but then the daydream turned into a dream: People in white flocked around you. They blocked you and I was able to get away. But I would escape slowly and walk away slowly that by the time your way was clear, you were able to catch me. You'll insist that I *am tired and then you'll carry me off my feet.

One day, I just hope we'll be together.

Love always,

MM

August 06, 2016

Dear you,

I woke up so tired today. I'm sorry if my letters to you seem like a diary. Who cares, right? But, I was hoping to catch your interest and somehow help you understand my feelings.