Untitled Letters

July

                 

July 02, 2016

Dear You,

I've been thinking... Your birthday is already next week and I really want to give you a gift. I really don't know how but would it be crazy if I just walk up to your door and give you a gift? I want to give you a birthday cake, and if possible, I want to make it myself. You're still the one for me and I still can't throw away that thought that God sent you to me. Maybe... "That you are like Adam and I am like Eve and I was formed from your rib. What I feel is really deep. So, I can't deny it." Even if you think I'm unsure. And, if you want me to stop believing this, it wouldn't be easy to pull it out like a thorn on my side. I'm sorry if I'm not perfect. I'm sorry if I feel this way. I'm sorry if I keep on thinking about you. And because I still keep on thinking about you, I dream about you. Last night, it was pathetic. I followed you as you jumped into a body of water. I'm not sure if it was a river or a pool but I hadn't anticipated that it was deep, so I started drowning.

I hope you'll enjoy your birthday and know that I'm still here for you and I want to make you happy. I still pray for you and I still love you. I just think it's impossible to find someone who's as attractive as you who like me at the same time. It's a long-shot to find my happy ever please... Forever... I still Love You!

Love always,

M

July 09, 2016

Dear you,

I realized that I didn't really have a good day today and yesterday. Maybe I was really looking forward to seeing you. But I can't trust myself. I couldn't break the rules, both mine and my parents'. I guess, I'm still wondering if I'm old enough to make my own decisions and risk myself to the outside world, or would it be disrespectful if I go my own way? My parents are really different. Both of them have different views and sometimes, they just clash. But, I never wanted them to get pitted against each other. As much as possible, I want them to stay together til the end of their lives.

I don't believe in fate anymore. I simply believe in my own principles. We make things happen, we make our own choices. And once we have decided, there's one thing left to do... stand up for it... except if it presents itself as wrong. But no matter what other people say, we should always fight for what is right.  Right now, what I think is right is You, R.

I just noticed that every year, during your birthday it always rains. I really hope you enjoy your day but I'd like to think that it's a shower of blessings. And, when I think of this, I remember how I feel about you, how much I care and I can't help but blame myself why I can't even be with you on your birthday. I really care about you. My heart tells me so. But I can't do anything to show you. It's so frustrating. I feel like this failure is a sin. A sin... R, I'm so sorry. I need to confess that sometimes, I think of you wrongly. I know I shouldn't. I'm really sorry. Sometimes, I blame you to everything when in truth it's my entire fault. I get frustrated when you don't reply to me but when you do, I fall in love again. Why can't we just be friends? Why can't I control myself? I wanted to show you that I'm over it. I wanted to kill all my feelings for you so that the only thing that's left is friendship! Now, I think in the future, it won't be easy for me to let someone in. It won't be easy for me to fall in love with another no matter how gentlemanly he is or kind or caring or handsome. It will still be you... just you... It all goes back to you. I hope you come back, too.

I told my mom, R, that I've chatted with you the other night. Sometimes, I just feel awful on how I look upon myself. I know she's right and I should forget you. But it just feels wrong. Maybe this was the reason I haven't had a great day today and yesterday. I still Love you! Stay Safe!