Untitled Letters

February

February 3, 2016

Dear you,

I miss you! I really do. I hope you miss me, too. Please come back soon. I'd like you to know that I would reserve myself for you and that if anything happens, I'll be right here. I can be your back-up.
I won't be just be thinking of you. You said you're happy because I always remember you. But you just don't know that I pray for you. I always do. It's funny that you're always the first one I pray for.

Love,
M

February 6, 2016
Dear you,

Valentine's is almost near. I am going to dread that day. I know I shouldn't but I feel so bitter after finding out that you chose her. I wonder what you'll be up to. Maybe you'll take her out on a date or give her flowers.

I remember that night, you were picking some flowers. I imagined what if you gave me some. Well, maybe I'll be flattered but you know that to me, it's okay if you don't. (well, you didn't) but it's okay. I don't demand anything from you. And I think that those flowers didn't supposed to belong to anyone. They were there to adore Mother Mary and the Saints.

If I am your girlfriend, just a simple greeting from you would be enough on Valentine's day as long as I know that you love me would be enough. I guess I wouldn't get that greeting this Valentine's day. I really miss you and even your messages but mostly your smiles. I want to see you aside from my dreams. I want to make sure that you're okay.

I swear, if that girl hurts you and throws your love away, I'll get mad. But I don't know her and I don't have any right to hit her face with a steel chair. and I don't intend to know her because I'll die. I wouldn't be able to bear it. It would be too painful. And, I'll be even more confused. But one this is for sure, my heart still belongs to you.

Love,

M

February 7, 2016

Dear you,

Everything's completely changed now. There are new people arriving and leaving. I hope you haven't really left. I would take the blame. It feels like I have been pushing people away, away from me, away from the Church. Believe me or not, it wasn't intentional. I NEVER want to push you away. If there's one thing, I want to lead you here, to share my joy with you. There's an excruciating pain when I see someone go by. I just pray that this pain will go away.

I'm sorry if I unintentionally pushed  you away. All I want now is for you to come back and forget all the words I told you. I'm really sorry. I hope I can go back in time, erase those messages, If I didn't admit those feelings, I might still have you right now.

Everything has really changed. My life, my energy, my happiness are all taken away from me. It's like my soul has been sucked away leaving me with this tired, lifeless eyes and an ever-present frown. I can't help but reveal this awful truth. I don't want you to worry about me. I want you to think that I'm okay... But I don't want to lie to you either. Ever since you've gone, I've been crying... still constantly thinking of you... Even dreaming that you've come back. I can tell that the people around me started to notice and even they have been affected by my behavior. Yet, I never told them the real reason behind it. I've only told those whom I can trust. I also wanted to keep it a secret but they are just so cunning to find out or just guess. For this, I'm really sorry but if you just knew how much I'm dying to tell the whole universe how much I love you.  That will only be easier if you were actually mine. For now, it's a storm in my life. You are the only one who can bring back the sunshine and maybe then, the people I know would once again witness my laughter and smiles.

You are my life.

Love always,

M

February 8, 2016

Dear you,

Here's another letter. Today my mom talked to me about dreams. She told me to get up early and find work. She's trying to convince me to dream again, get a life, be happy, meet new people who might be someone who'll make me feel special.

You know what? I don't know what to do anymore. I am not capable of anything. Everything you told me seems like a lie. No one is lucky. There is no such thing as luck. No one will be lucky to have me. You just don't know me. I am not a good person. I am a lame, disgusting, poor person. I am really weak. I never get what I want no matter how hard I try. I guess I really can't be your girlfriend. I'll be just a burden. I always get sick in the most humiliating way and it reminds me how there is something wrong about myself. I am really sorry if I'm this way. I thought you could change me. Maybe you did. You made me persevere for a while back there. And now, here I am almost ready for graduation. I thought for a moment that you believed in me. The way you looked at me gave me that idea. At least, it seems it did. But now, I'm losing grip again. I wish I never existed. I wish I'd die. Because I still can't stand the pain. I still love you.

Love always,

M

February 13, 2016 (Saturday)

It feels like Friday.

Dear you,

There have been thoughts in my head, wretched thoughts... painful thoughts but they are there. they are the thoughts of you... it's me wondering how you spend time with that wretched girl who took you away from me. I'm sorry. I am still crazy about you. Maybe I'm the villain here. Maybe we were NEVER meant for each other. But I just hope you learn that I have loved you ever since. I loved you secretly before and when I told you the truth, it was a little too late. It hurts so much. Now, I don't believe. I don't believe what you said to me anymore. No one is going to be lucky to have me, because no one is interested to be my boyfriend. All I care about is you.

I know you had feelings for me before, I know that you like me. You are different from anyone I know. I know that you are also breath-taken when you see me. I know.. unless you tell me I'm wrong. I will believe you anyway.

Just so you know, I've been crying since last week when everything is becoming more and more painful and this heavy burden is sinking me into the ground. I couldn't cry the first time I heard about the bad news. but it surely shattered not just my heart but also my soul... into pieces. In addition, I've broken a glass out of despair after I popped a can of beer (which I never do until now) and knocked myself into drunkenness. I'm not happy anymore. I can't be... not without you.

It looks like you and the universe conspired against me and everything bad has aligned and everything good... my love for you, had gone amiss.

One day I hope you'll come back to me. One day,  I hope to make you happy. For now, I hope she's good to you. Please take care of yourself. I continue to pray for you even if sometimes I blame Him for what's happening. I still love you.

Love always,

M