Friends Forever, huh?

Chapter 26 | "that was stupid...but thank you."

Finally the torturous detention is over. I stand up slowly, wincing as my foot hits the ground and a sharp pain pierces though my leg. Without looking at my stomach, I can tell the bruise that just began to heal is now turning back to its shades of black and blue.

The only positive effect of this detention is the amount of homework I got completed. My body and heart might be aching, but for goodness sakes at least the most important part of school is completed.

Limping slightly, I stop Caroline at the door, "what you did in there..." I bite my lip, unsure of how to tell her how foolish her actions were. I appreciate her stepping in and standing up for me, truly I do. But by doing so, she's bringing more trouble upon herself. It would have been simpler if she'd just sat by quietly.

"That was really stupid. I don't need your help." Her face falls and I feel ashamed to have hurt her feelings, "but...thank you. It's been a long time since anyone's stood up for me."

Caroline glances back up at me, her cheeks flushed, "They went too far. I was bullied at my old school...that's why I transferred here." By the look on her face, Asher and Shelby's taunts hit too close to home.

It's on the tip of my tongue to tell her that Stonewall is not the place to come to avoid bullying. If her words have done anything, they've brought her into more trouble. Suddenly, I know why Cole seemed to feel swallowed by his guilt. I feel extremely guilty that this innocent girl will be pulled into my problems simply for daring to speak out.

"Caroline?" I say hesitantly, feeling that she needs to be warned about Shelby and the boys penchant for causing pain.

"Shelby and Asher...they're jerks." She gives a light laugh at this, clearly I'm stating the obvious. I crack a smile but sober quickly, "but they're jerks who can get away with a lot. Be careful."

Caroline nods, not looking entirely surprised by my words. However, I notice the way she attempts to cover the look of panic that flashes across her face. She's not so different from me--trying to appear strong even when she's not. In that moment, she gains my respect and sympathy. It's not easy to stand up to bullies. It's also not easy to do something so bold and act is if you're not bothered by the consequences that are sure to come.

"Like I said, I appreciate you standing up for me today...but I wouldn't make a habit of it. I'm not worth getting bullied for," I shrug, giving her a sad smile.

"They're trying to get you," she says suddenly, as I'm about to walk out of the building, "please don't let them. They're wrong."

I want to believe her words, but she doesn't know me. I'm undoubtably grateful for her kind words, as those are something I don't often receive...but nonetheless, I can't believe her statements as true.

Caroline doesn't know me. Shelby does. Perhaps when Shelby suggested that I'm the worthless loser people keep in their life out of pity, she was right.

"Thank you," I say quickly, my words clipped short. Caroline sighs and I know it's clear that my words are only to placate her. However, as I limp toward my car, she doesn't speak again.

Perhaps she's already written me off as a friend. I wouldn't blame her.

Caroline stays on my mind as I walk out to my car. I hardly know her, but I hope with all of my heart that Shelby and Asher will find compassion for her. I hope they won't hurt her like they've hurt me. She looks like a girl that's been hurt enough already.

I get in my car but don't drive away immediately. My body is aching, but the pain in my heart is greater.

Worthless. Loser. Unwanted. Gullible. Pathetic. Lonely. Nobody.

Their cruel words repeat through my head like a mantra. Are they right? Am I truly worthless, unworthy of attention or affection?

Before I know it, my face is wet with tears and mascara is running down my cheeks. All of the anguish I've felt over the last few months comes to a climax and I fall apart. My strength is depleted from the constant attacks. I'm exhausted from trying to defend myself against their attacks. I'm exhausted from pretending that I'm okay when I'm truly not. Each day that goes by, I wonder about the truth of their words more and more. Suddenly, I understand the pain on Cole's face. I understand what it feels like to torture yourself over the words others have said.

I want Cole, need Cole to be here to assure me that their words aren't true. However, I refuse to call him. I don't want him to summon up sympathy for me. I don't want pity or empty words. So my phone lays on the side of my car, the drafted text deleted.

I attempt to calm myself down, drying my tears on my T-shirt. It's streaked with black from my mascara now, but I can't convince myself to care.

My phone buzzes with messages from Cole but I don't respond. I don't know how to respond to his "are you okay?" I'm not okay. I don't know how create a text that makes him think I'm fine.

Instead, I drive home in silence, trying to ignore the negative thoughts that threaten to drown me. When I pull into my driveway, I take a deep breath to collect my thoughts. My mother isn't home yet and I'm thankful for that fact. I can hide my bruises and wash my face. I can keep up the façade. I can keep pretending I'm okay. I'll be fine.

My phone buzzes again. I consider ignoring it, but look at the message instead. It's from Cole, only containing three words that echo my own thoughts, "I'm not okay."

***

Whoa. Okay this chapter is heavy and very character intensive on Ashley. I wanted to reveal the way the bullying was affecting her, because although she's strong...a girl can only be strong for so long. This is where she breaks down a little.

-J