Friends Forever, huh?

Chapter 33 | tears are weakness

When my mother comes home, she finds me locked in my room. My back is to the door, head nestled into my hands. I must have fallen asleep because I jerk awake when she knocks on the door, urgency in her tone, "Ashley! Open the door!"

I unlock the door, catching my reflection in the mirror as I do so. Oh shoot. I have no time to clean myself up, but there's no hiding my devastation. There's no mascara on my eyelashes, it's dried in cascading lines down my cheeks. My eyes are red and puffy. I look like a girl who's just lost her best friend. Actually, I might have just lost my best friend.

Before I can start crying again, I take a deep breath and force myself to stop thinking about Cole. My mother's eyes widen as she sees me. I try for a smile, but even I can feel how forced it is. "Ashley...what's happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I murmur, settling back on the floor and putting my head in between my knees.

"You're going to talk about it," my mom retorts, her voice suddenly sharp, "you've been acting strange for awhile now. Then I got that text from Cole.."

I made the mistake of glancing up at her while she started talking. At the mention of Cole's name, my body trembles. I bite down on my lip, hard, to contain my tears.

Mom doesn't complete her sentence, instead looking as if she's piecing together what happened, "What happened between you and Cole?" She asks slowly, her gaze not leaving my face.

I shake my head, unwilling to speak. I don't want my mother to know that I'm the reason Cole's unconscious in a hospital bed right now. I added to his guilt and that's why he was distraught enough to nearly kill himself. Doesn't he know that I'm not worth that?

"Please talk to me Ashley. I'm worried about you." She touches my cheek and I turn my face away. I'm furious at her for caring about me. I'm furious at myself for being so stupid. I'm furious at Cole for going to such extremes because of my pain.

"Cole's in the hospital," I admit finally, under the scrutiny of her gaze.

My mother's eyes widen, "What happened? Why is he there?"

"Because of me," I wrap my arms around myself as if to shield myself from what I've done. My eyes burn with unshed tears but I hold them back. I don't want my mother to see my tears. Tears taste remarkably like weakness and I'm disgusted with the amount of weakness I've exuded in the last day. If I could have just held it together and stayed away from Cole, he would still be fine. The guilt he feels over me wouldn't be combined with the guilt he already felt. He'd be fine...

She looks dumbfounded by my response, unsure of how to respond. I sigh and finally let go of a little bit of my pride and fill her in on the details. But only the important ones.

However, my plan to only tell her a few select details is quickly foiled. It seems that once I open my mouth, I can't stop the words. Everything comes out.

Cole self harms. I've been bullied--for years, but this year it became so much worse. Mostly the bullying came from Shelby--yes, the Shelby I used to be friends with. She's mostly bullying me because of Cole. Yes, she has a crush on him--no, mom I don't have a crush on him too, stop giving me that look! Cole already felt guilty over...other things (I decide not to drop the bombshell of Amanda and Flynn's divorce). Then when he found out Shelby was bullying me because of him, he ran away. Next thing I knew, there were ambulances at his house. He was unconscious.

I take a deep breath as my rant comes to an end. My mother doesn't answer, looking somewhat stunned about the flow of information. But then she clears her throat and stands up. Reaching down to help me up, she says, "Well, come on. Let's go."

"Go where?"

"To the hospital. Clearly you're in love with the boy, so I'm not about to let you stay here and mope around while you could see how he's doing."

"I'm not in love with him!" I sputter, nonplussed. How does she just say something like that so casually? And didn't she hear what I said? This is my fault. The last place I belong is by his bedside.

She raises an eyebrow, "Ashley, you've never acted like this over a boy before. Besides, I see your face when you talk about him. Accept it or not, you love him."

"What do you know about love?" I press a hand over my mouth, wishing I could take back the words as soon as they escape my lips. My mother tries to quickly mask her hurt expression but it's too late--I saw the pain in her eyes.

"I shouldn't have said that..."

She shrugs, her eyes still carrying that wounded look, "You're right. I don't know a lot about being in love. But either way, you shouldn't leave your friend in a hospital without checking up on him."

"He wouldn't want to see me. Neither will his family...not if they know I'm the reason he's there."

She begins to speak, but I cut her off, "Even if I wasn't the only reason he self-harmed that night, I knew about it for weeks. And I didn't tell anyone." I shake my head, disgusted with my behavior. I foolishly thought that I could be superwoman, that I could pull Cole out of his depression. I could have prevented his actions tonight if only I'd spoken out. If that doesn't make me a terrible friend, I don't know what does.

She's silent for a moment. And then to my amazement, she nods.

Aren't mothers supposed to lie and make you feel better after something like this happens?

"You should have said something."

Yes. I know that.

"However, to assign yourself complete blame for this is ridiculous. Cole wouldn't want that."

I refrain from telling her that Cole can't say what he wants because he's unconscious. Thanks to me.

Instead I nod, conceding with her words despite my better judgement. I can go to the hospital. Then if he wakes out, I'll slip out before he can see me.

I internally panic, suddenly aware that I said 'if' instead of when. He will wake up. He has to...I won't be able to live with myself otherwise.

***

This chapter has absolutely no closure...sorry bout that. But heeey, the L word has been said. Don't lie Ashley we all know you looove him ;)

Oh my goodness so this is getting so many reads I'm blown away by it. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH. I'm almost at 900! Which means I can possibly reach my goal of 1K by the end of the book!!!

Psssst. If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple. ;)

-J