Friends Forever, huh?

Chapter 36 | always the runner

Caroline keeps me sane for the remainder of the school day. I feign productivity in all of my classes, but honestly get nothing accomplished. My mind is otherwise occupied. After sitting through almost a full day of my extremely spacey behavior, she sighs and whispers, "what's going on with you?"

I stiffen immediately, a quick "nothing" slipping off of my lips. Caroline is sweet--possibly the only girl at this school that I want to be friends with...but that doesn't mean I need to tell her my business. That doesn't mean I trust her enough to tell her my business.

I wish I could trust her so easily, truly I do. However, the last person I trusted was Shelby. That lapse of judgement ended extremely badly. I'm not willing to risk that happening again. No, it's easier if I don't trust anyone. Cole...he could be an exception. He's safe. After all of our ups and downs, I do trust him.

If I expected Caroline to just accept my lack of trust and move along with her life, I was wrong. Caroline shakes her head, a sad smile playing on her lips, "you're an idiot."

I frown, "what?"

"You're an idiot." She repeats, "You refuse to trust anyone. Sometimes you actually aren't going to get screwed over. People can actually care about you. People can want to be your friend."

I study her, wondering how she can understand how my mind works after only knowing me for about a week. She's amazingly perceptive.

"You forget that I've been bullied too. I know what it's like to be afraid to trust people."

I sigh in resignation, my gaze dropping to the ground, "Cole's in the hospital. That's why I'm so unfocused today."

"Why did I ever think I should come back here? All I'm going to do is ruin everything." His words replay in my mind, making me wince. "He blamed himself for my bullying," I glance back up at Caroline, "He cut himself and lost enough blood..."

I don't finish my sentence, wanting to avoid saying that he's in a coma. That part still doesn't feel real. I prefer being in denial about that much.

Caroline is silent for awhile, then, "I'm sorry Ashley. I had no idea.."

I shrug, doing my best to keep from falling apart, "I just don't want to be here, you know? Not while he's in the hospital because of my words."

"Wait. You don't actually blame yourself for this, do you?"

I lift a shoulder, my eyes trained on the ground.

"You're giving Shelby what she wants then. She's bullying you and somehow makes you feel guilty about the consequences of her words."

Caroline's voice softens, "stop giving her that kind of power over you. She doesn't deserve it. And you don't deserve the guilt you're putting on yourself."

Huh. Maybe I'm not the only one trying to keep others from making my mistakes. Caroline seems undeniably wise about the effects of bullying, which leads me to wonder how bad things got at her other school. What happened that made her switch to Stonewall in her last year of high school?

Our teacher, Mr. Jackson, is already regarding us with quiet annoyance, so I decide that's an issue to press with her another time. I give Caroline an impromptu hug over our desks, "thank you."