It All Started With A Dare

Chapter 23.

Jason's POV

People plan everything. They plan at what time to get up, go to bed, what to eat, when to study, everything. Every single instant of their life. I'm not one of those who say "live your present without thinking about your future", because the "after" has always scared me, but still I've never planned anything.

I've stopped doing it a long time ago, when all of my plans had failed and I became what I am now. A guy that's able to laugh and joke, but his eyes are constantly dull. It doesn't matter how much time I spend with my friends, I'll always be the person I am. Stubborn, impulsive, distrusted, unresponsive and a total disaster.

How can I plan something, if I don't even have a reason to? Everyone thinks that I don't care about anything anymore, about my future too, but it's not true. I try, but without a reason for making things go in the right direction, there isn't much to do.
It's useless trying to convince myself that I'm enough, because I've never truly loved myself, but this isn't important. The only thing that mattered is that I've always needed someone there for me, because all I felt was lost.

I have Adam, my best friend since I was 6, my life partner, my brother that was with me when we dumped school to go at the park next door with older guys. Experiences.

For that I'm happy, I'm glad for having him with me through the best and the worse situations, for sharing so many adventures.

I've been raised in a well-off family, that even if you had a hair in the wrong position it was a problem. But those things weren't for me. My father was a respected lawyer, while my mother was a great psychologist.
My dad never accepted me for what I was though, he always tried to make me change. It all started when he ordered me to take the small piercings I had out of my ears. A day, when I showed up with my first tattoo he nearly fainted. I still smile at the memory.

Over all, I had my mother, first missing piece in my life. I think I loved her with every fiber of my body, or at least I tried. I'm not able to love, but with her I did and when she died everything just got even more complicated.

My biological mother, second lost piece of my life and now my grandpa.
I would be an hypocrite if I said that I didn't care about the call I received an hour ago. After all the hatred I had for my grandparents for doing what they did to their daughters and me, they where still family, they were the ones who took care of me when my alcoholic of a dad left me alone.

Grandpa was similar to me in many ways, I needed someone that confronted me and made me feel alive in that period, not someone that would've justified every thing I did just for pity. So even if some events divided us, the pain of leaving him and my grandma was still deep.

I could feel my head banging as everything passed my mind, my family, my grandpa's death, my old life, my new one and Sophie.

Sophie...I left her alone on those cold rails as soon as I closed the phone call. I started running and now I was here at my house, drowning in my misery.

I went in the living room and lighted a cigarette. It had been a long time since I last felt this way. I mean, I was starting to feel better. There were times when I saw my mother's face where ever I went, I had nightmares and I heard voices.

Why did I have to feel it again? My stress has gotten worse in the years, but the doctor said that it's something I can't control, it comes and goes when it wants.

I just wanted those monsters to go away.

I lighted another cigarette as I went towards the sink to wash my face. I got myself some water and in the exact moment I lowered the glass on the table I heard a knock on the door. Whoever it was, had to go. I could say or do things I would regret in this condition.