never

Do You Love Me Too?

6 months later...

I sat in the window seat and looked out into the distance. The cloud cover reflected how I felt inside. This dark haze in my heart keeping me from recovering from the blow I've taken. Not only physical but mentally. First I'm taken back to my place of torment, then I lose my child, and then I lose my Liam. My wounds are becoming scars that won't go away and I pray they don't so I will never forget that day. I never want the visions of torture and pain to fade. They shall serve as reminders to keep everything at arms length. The one time I felt free it was taken from me. I don't want to go through that again. If I do I know for a fact I won't survive. I barely survived this. The only reason I still breathe is because I know I'm not the only one grieving. Elena lost August that day too and Chris is very torn up about it. He's probably sad for so many reasons. He probably blames it on himself all the pain and death. He swears everything falls on his shoulders and that he should see every hit coming. Knowing that he needs someone also keeps me going. Chris means a lot to me and I know how he feels about me. I don't think he could take losing me. Some support you're being, locked up in here will do Chris all kinds of good. My conscious chastised. It was right, Chris needs me yet here I am sulking. I stood my legs wobbling a bit not used to carrying my weight. I caught myself and made for Chris' room. I opened the door looking at the torn down place with horror. His blood and glass were strewn across the room. My eyes landed on him finally in the corner smoking weed. I ran over pulling the blunt from his lips and stomping on it. He looked up at me speechless "Stop! You're destroying yourself... None of this is your fault everything that happened happened because selfish people wanted selfish things and would've tore through whole cities to get it... Chris I may feel like hell but I will never stand by and watch someone I love so much fall so hard... We'll make it ok... I'm here for you babe" I said pulling him to me and hugging him tightly. He wrapped his arms around me and cried into my shoulder "I'm sorry I couldn't save them" he whispered "No I couldn't save my baby and I will never know if anyone could've saved Liam but it doesn't matter they're gone and it's only right I do right by them and help you as they would've wanted me to" he looked at me and I could feel the pain the felt knowing why I was doing this. But it's not completely true, I'm doing this for him too. I know he needs me and for as long as he will have me I'll be here for him. For always. His hand caressed my cheek and I leaned into his touch as always. He looked into my eyes as if trying to send me a message without speaking. I could feel it that urge I always did whenever we were around each other but I would never act on it. Liam was everything to me I will not succumb to this desire. He deserves that much. I looked away only for him to pull my face to meet his and place a small kiss on my lips. I felt his pain, his need, everything through the kiss. I wanted to pull away so bad but he just deepened the kiss by pulling me into his lap. I shuddered and pulled away hating myself. How weak was I? I didn't even put up a major fight. I pushed him away and ran out into my room locking the door. How could I betray them so easily?! The way I acted it was as if they're deaths weren't important to me in that moment. That's how I felt about Chris, he overrode everything. He doesn't. Chris and I can never be no one can get in my heart. I'll just lose them again and again. I need to stay locked up, besides no worthless piece of shit like myself should have anyone pinning over them anyway. I'm a hazard everyone should avoid. I don't know why Chris likes me "Because you're my everything... You may not know this but everyday after you left I sunk deeper and deeper into myself... I missed you so much I wanted you so bad but the thing is I felt like you had moved on... Kimberly tried to worm her way into my heart but she never knew I didn't have a heart to give... You are the air I breathe and the anchor keeping me sane without you there is no me and I really wish you loved me too" he whispered kissing my temple and going for the door. I let his words soak in before saying "You weren't listening to me earlier huh... I do love you Chris but we can never be... Liam took all I had left to give I'm a shell you can't possibly love me" I spoke as he grabbed the door handle. He stalked over to me pulling me into a harsh kiss. I melted against him forgetting everything wrapping my arms around him. He pulled away caressing my cheek softly "That is not true... You aren't a shell you just need someone to bring you back.... Your anchor... And if you let me I'll be that for you I know what Liam meant to you but I know I mean something to you too" he whispered kissing me again and leaving me breathless. I watched him leave in emotional turmoil. I love him I do but Liam.... And could I truly mean anything to anyone despite all I've done. All the people he could've had in his bed and he wants me. Do I give in? I realize then just how hard it is to stand or to function without him. There was a sudden weight on my chest and I knew he was right. Will I.... Should I allow myself to trust him again or allow myself to love again? Why does he break my resolve and let himself in? He shouldn't effect me so. This is not going as planned. Fuck you Chris.