never

Rebuilding

I try not to think of Liam nowadays. It's hurts so much when I do. He meant so much to me and I will never replace him. But how can I replace Liam with Chris around. He's was my savior, my hero, now we're here and I don't know what to do. The questions running through my brain rendered me unable to register Nita and Natalia's presence. Nita rubbed my back and I looked at her with a somber look "Chris hasn't been the same without you around... When you left he just mentally shut down allowing Kimberly to worm her way back into his life even then it wasn't the same he didn't smile, he was quiet... None of us really recovered from losing you Kimberly noticed and said that we were never going to see you again so we should start healing and she was right but we never let her in our hearts she was not welcome in our circle... Chris let her in he needed someone I guess... That moment you picked up when he called changed him he broke up with Kimberly and started to heal but then all this happened... I still can't believe August is gone" Natalia began to break down and I enveloped get in a hug. I knew Chris felt for me but I never knew how much until I heard that. I never thought I could mean so much to do many. The thought brought tears to my eyes but it was a short moment when Chris walked in and I wiped my face. The girls left and I silently groaned dreading being alone with him. We sat in silence until he broke it "Chris... Why didn't you come for me after I left" I asked curiously "I... I knew I was wrong and that nothing could fix what I did... I had become who you ran from most of your life and I never stopped hating myself for it" I frowned and stood "I know your sorry and I forgive you but please don't let what happened some time ago fool you I'm not going back to you" he looked down clearly hurt but he didn't say anything. I looked away unable to say anything else. I felt him walk up behind me and turn me to face him but I refused to look him in the eyes. He pulled my face up to his and I opened my eyes "Are you sure" I opened my mouth to say yes but I knew the answer was no. I pushed him away pulling at my "No I'm not sure! I don't know anything anymore I was so angry at you but I still missed you and every moment I spent thinking about you would make me upset and irritable! I loved Liam and my baby and out of respect for them I'm letting you go... I can't do this Chris... Please don't make me I... Truly loved him please" I sobbed falling to my knees and covered my face with my hands. I shook uncontrollably and breathed shakily. He bent down and uncovered my face he held my head up and kissed my tears away "I'm sorry but I love you Mari don't make me try to forget you when I can't don't make me move in when I know you love me too these past few days I have never needed you more and I can't deny that any longer" his words left me speechless and I knew that my grieving was becoming overshadowed by my overwhelming love. I felt so much for him and I couldn't control what I did next. I smashed my lips against his wrapping my arms around his neck. He pulled me into his lap kissing back. It was a harsh, passionate, emotional kiss and we pulled away breathless I didn't have the strength to fight him but I knew that I wouldn't try to anymore. He put his forehead against mine and sighed in content "I love you" he whispered softly "I love you too Chris" he smiled and I couldn't help the warm feeling rise in my chest. He kissed me again and this it became heated. He picked me up and laid me back on the bed. I wasn't fully registering what was happening so caught up in love. Only when he started peppering kisses up and down my neck did it click. I pushed him away sitting up on the other side. No! I thought. He reached out to me and I shrunk away "I can't I lost 2 of my babies... Two! I can't do that again... Let me get my tubes tied something anything.... I don't want to" Chris pulled his hand away and looked away in deep thought. He sighed and ran a hand through his short curls "What if one day you want children or I do what will we do then... Just think about what you're asking then come back to me" he kissed my shoulder and I flinched "You will come back to me ?" I nodded and bit my lip as I heard the door close. I knew what I asked and I was certain that's what I wanted. Was I? I remember the day I lost my first baby I sat in the blood for hours crying and rubbing my bare belly. I felt hollow and filthy and broken. I thought that if the world was cruel enough to take my child to break me then nothing is safe. I felt so beguiled and twisted. It was like they gave me a light them crushed it and threw me to the wolves. It could never take away from the joy I felt during my second pregnancy. The kicks, the cravings, all the signs my baby was on their way. Chris was right I can't take the option of children away from him... From us but can I stomach it? That's the second time I wouldn't survive a third the only reason I'm not attempting to kill myself is because I know taking my life is taking his. Chris has a lot to live for, people follow him he's got to be there for them. I am his anchor and he is mine. I guess I could get through it if I have him there. No! I won't do it now dare I even think of trying to replace the ones I lost. No more. Maybe. No. Yes. No. One day. Never. Somehow I went from knowing for sure what I wanted, who I wanted, to being completely and utterly confused again. This wasn't something I could decide today so I'll table this for now. I'm sure something else can take my mind so I don't spend every waking moment stressing.