If I live forever, I can live now

9

I didn't sleep on Sunday night, and that was only the start to a long sequence of insomniac nights. I tried to blame it on having slept all morning after returning from the Seven Sisters, but I knew it was only related to my hyperactive state of mind.

At five in the morning, I decided to pack my cheap, overused microscope and take it to Oxford the following morning. I couldn't work as well as I could with the ones at King's College, but at least I could do something. I was sure my anxious neurons would die of eagerness if I had to wait until Tuesday to get ahead.

I lay in bed for an hour, but I couldn't manage to doze off. I had doubtlessly obsessed over becoming eternal. Part of me knew it was an idea as surreal as the psychedelic images that my fagged eyes made out in the dawning light. And, anyway, what did I want infinitude for? If I lived a long life and then died, I could still hope Christianity was right and the afterlife existed. I could still have faith in seeing Nora again someday. On the contrary, if I did manage to get what I wanted, I would spend eternity whipping myself for not having been intelligent enough or quick enough or lucky enough to make it true while I could still save her.

I tried to convince my stubborn head with arguments like that and stronger ones; I worked very hard to discourage myself, almost as hard as to get results.

During the week, I spent long hours looking at the lake from my dorm window. I scrutinized my attraction to it, to see whether it inspired something important. But I didn't know what it was. Water? Water was the origin of life, but, as far as I knew, it didn't stop life from ending at some point. Water kept cells hydrated. Hydration was appropriate to prevent and cure inflammation... I knew inflamed cells functioned much worse than non-inflamed ones. How could I keep things functioning properly forever? Water didn't seem to be enough.

All those late-night slow speculations about water made me thirsty. I crossed the room to reach for my water bottle. Africa was in REM sleep. Looking at her, I also saw the time in her alarm clock. Almost four in the morning. It was no surprise that I couldn't think clearly anymore. The psychedelic shapes that had moved in front of my eyes before started to appear reiteratively when I sat down at the desk again. I advised myself to call it a day and try to get some sleep. But trying was probably the worst tactic to actually get it. It should be automatic, because I was so tired out my muscles didn't respond to my commands any longer.

That reminded me of when Nora and I went on a ride called Galaxia at the peer, just in front of the Horror Hotel, which was one of our favorite rides. Galaxia lifted, dropped and spun us so much that Nora's feet were numb when we got out. She hung on my shoulders for a few meters so that she didn't fall. She was so lightweight and airy I didn't even feel discomfort when she hung on me.

I yawned and made my way to bed. From the bed, I could see one of the books about telomerase in cancer I had taken from the library. Telomerase... the prideful enzyme that made it possible for cancer cells to divide themselves unlimitedly. I hadn't gotten much further than that, even though I had read almost half of the book during the last insomniac nights. It still resisted to my insistent attempts to discover her furtive magic. It probably knew I wanted to manipulate it, and had decided to hide its secret weapon. I realized I was raving, and got out of bed again. The only thing I accomplished by lying on it was suffocating myself. I needed to unwind. I saw Africa's silver rolling tobacco cage on her side table.

Although it was a stimulating drug, tobacco supposedly helped stressed out people find calm again. Africa smoked millions of cigarettes a day when Nora was dying, as if she was trying to dry her cancer out with the smoke she exhaled. My mind was so blurry that I decided it was worth the try. I lit one of the cigarettes Africa had already rolled, and inhaled deeply. I choked hysterically and immediately looked at Africa to see if I had woken her. She was still deeply asleep, with her legs hanging from the bed.