If I live forever, I can live now

21

My heart raced, and, this time, blood did reach my face. I closed my eyes for a second, trying to concentrate on what to answer, but I saw Luke's face, and his uniquely plump lips, and his hands on my buttocks. I opened them again, quickly.

"What is it, David?" Lindsay said, seeing that he didn't know how to put it. But he didn't even turn to face her. He kept looking at me, with eyes full of... pity.

"Fleming&Florey and the Government have declared today the International Day of Immortality. I read it on the papers while waiting for our coffees. That was the front page title. Parties will be thrown all over the world tonight, to celebrate that none of us will be dying."

"Of a natural cause, you mean, because I am going to make sure some people do breathe their last." I roared, and I run to the stairs.

"Tess, wait!" Lindsay cried after me.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw that David held her wrist this time, and I made a mental note to thank him for that. I needed to be alone. I run across Broad Street and let myself get drenched in rain; drenched in something that made me feel wet, and cold, and heavy. That was my goal. To feel something. I kept running, entered Trinity College and sprinted across the long, dapper garden at the back until I couldn't move anymore. I fell on the grass and let it rain over me for a long time. Some students passed by, oblivious to everything under their umbrellas, and I didn't mind. Nobody believed in me, nobody noticed me, nobody saw me really. The one person that had managed to do so had left my life, so nothing else mattered. I turned around to hide my face on the grass and inhaled deeply to fill my nostrils with the always soothing smell of wet grass. Nevertheless, this time it didn't smell of autumn and yellow raincoats and hot chocolate, but of numbing nostalgia.

I tossed every piece of clothing into the bath when I entered the dorm at Worcester, and I did it with pathetically weak anger. Africa was sitting on her bed, engulfing Ben's Cookies, looking caught in a spell. She jumped when she noticed me.

"God, Tessa, you scared the hell out of me!" she shouted, as she threw the bag of cookies away.

"Can I have one of those?" I whispered.

She looked at me in surprise. She was probably waiting for me to start shouting and then crying like mad; shouting at any silly thing, just to have an excuse to cry my heart out. She looked moved by the soft, sweet tone I had used to ask for my favourite cookies.

"Of course." she said, mimicking my delicate whispers.

She crouched to take the bag from the floor before I could even attempt to do it myself. Then, she rushed to the bathroom to take a dry towel for me. I couldn't stand that everyone felt sorry for me: the naïve, ivory, demure girl who always pursued impossible dreams. But I understood that she had reasons to feel sorry for me as soon as I saw myself in the mirror. Africa's mate red hair was shiny compared to my sallow skin. Ironically, as I examined my reflection, she said:

"You look better."

She continued to dry me up with the towel. I turned around to face her and laughed.

"I mean, it looks like you're feeling better."

"Surprisingly, I am. I am just dreading going to bed."

I walked to the window and sat down looking at the lake. It was a starry night. The storm must have finished. My watch promised it was still six in the evening. I would have sworn it was already eleven, but I was old and unwise enough to acknowledge that time always did as it pleased. I munched a cookie and Africa did nothing but stare at me behaving like myself, bewildered.

"Aren't you tired?"

I nodded, still looking outside.

"I am, but bed exhausts me further. I think someone injected caffeine into my mattress."