If I live forever, I can live now

36

It was when I was lying half naked on top of David's broad kitchen table that I realized that moment was an ending. Following my firm internal analysis system, I asked myself if I regretted something about the chapter of my life I was leaving behind. Lindsay kept walking around the table and observing me as if I was an object, like an artist wondering which perspective she should paint me from. She had assumed the responsibility to be the main person in charge. The weight of being the first to turn a mere mortal into something enduring showed on her tired face.

David had stayed in the living room, providing me with some intimacy for my moment. However, I missed his strong hand caressing my hair. I looked up at the ceiling. I didn't want David to see me half naked, because that would make him the second guy that evening, and I would feel slightly whorish, or at least slightly chaotic. I wondered if I regretted having slept with Luke. I didn't want to admit that I partly did. I had probably made it easier for him to feel rewarded and thus forget me quicker.

"Please, say something." I asked the girls, with my eyes still fixed on the grey ceiling. "I'm going mental."

Nobody responded to my plea. The whole house was decorated in rich dark colours, but it still transmitted a transparent, trustworthy vibe, the same that David let out. He was the only one in the family that had adopted that characteristic of the house, because the rest of his family seemed to be as dark and twisted as... Luke. Except for Lucy.

I was going to be immortal. I had conquered the unconquerable, and I had endless days before me as a prize, as long as I was prudent and lucky. I felt satisfied and relaxed, mostly because I was never going to stop being myself, but also because I had won. I shivered when I realized everything was always about winning for me, about achieving what I set my mind on. That's why I felt like I didn't want Luke anymore, because I had already succeeded at having him for a little while.

"Okay, I'm ready now." Lindsay said, and I silently thanked her for stopping the sick thoughts about my endless ambition.

"I'm ready too." I hesitantly whispered, and I tried to smile to lift some of the weight of her shoulders.

"Close your eyes, Tess, it'll be better for everyone that way."

I almost protested, because I wanted to be a witness, but I finally did as she said. I closed my eyes and tried to blank my mind. I had never achieved to do so, and it was one battle I didn't set myself to win, but I nearly managed that day. As I heard Lindsay load the syringes, accompanied by Alex's gasps, images started to play in my mind, like I was watching photographs using an old projector.

Lindsay wakes me up by climbing on top of me in her pink bathrobe. I don't want to get up. The sound of seagulls mixes with the crashing waves. I have a soft ice-cream at the pier while Nora climbs on the wall to get a better picture. I complain about the ice-cream being overly sweet. I walk into King's college and into Luke's deep eyes. I don't want to fall, so I turn around and shake Professor Abbey's hand. Professor Abbey. I should ask him what he knows about Hugh's ex-wife. But he's been so sweet that I don't want to be rude. He's been overly-.