If I live forever, I can live now

30

I couldn't even see the Topshop sign from the center of Oxford Circus. The stage was set right in front of the shop, and Professor Abbey and his collegues were holding a huge banner that attacked Fleming&Florey directly.

""The vampires of the 21st century, feeding on people's basic needs". " Camille read out loud. "Wow. That's really direct."

She had to jump to manage to read the banner, even if it was on top of the stage. There wasn't a single corner in Oxford Street that wasn't packed with people, and banners, and rage. And there wasn't a single corner in my body that wasn't packed with rage, and fear, and confusion. Camille had appeared out of the blue. I still didn't trust her completely. Besides, she was a constant remainder of Luke. David was standing on my other side, holding my hand, and both factors together made it difficult for me to achieve the level of concentration the demonstration required.

"Did you expect a demonstration banner to be hard to read?" Africa asked her, showing annoyance as she rolled her eyes.

She didn't stand Camille either since I had told her about her and Luke and the damn notebook.

David said something to me. The whistles and shouts and steps and the echoes in my head didn't let me hear what he was saying.

"What?"

He let go of my hand and made his way through the crowd. I figured that he was walking to the stage, probably to remind Professor Abbey it was time to start with the speeches.

"I'm really happy for you, Tess." Camille said, and she touched my arm, probably to show me how moved she was.

It took me a few seconds to realize she was talking about my relationship with David. Her sympathy alarmed me and made me jealous. She was most probably thinking I wouldn't want Luke anymore if he came back. She was doubtlessly presuming she would be the one to want him most. The one to have him.

And then it hit me. It wasn't only her that was supposing I didn't want Luke anymore. David did, too. And the way I was acting made it seem like I did as well.

I couldn't fool myself into believing I wouldn't fall into his arms and his gleaming gaze again. But, for the last months, David had been the one to stand by me whatever happened, the one that had always been by my side. Luke hadn't. And that propelled me into choosing David. If I did have a choice.

Professor Abbey turned on his microphone, and he hit it softly to draw our attention towards the stage.

"Shouldn't we be over there, with them?" Africa said, as she made herself some room between Camille an me.

I silently thanked her for gently pushing her away from me.

"I want to sense what people are feeling. They're the ones I want to offer the treatment to, after all. I want to stand with them."

Africa shrugged. I looked up at the sky.

"I just think you should be the one speaking up there. You're the only real insider here, Tess."

Was I? It didn't feel like it. I had supposedly made humanity the gift of their lives – literally –, but I had been egoistically moved by my own fears since the beginning. Egoistically, and foolishly. I had researched cancer because I wanted Nora back. I gave myself the opportunity to go on forever, because it was the most similar thing to turning time around. Having eternal chances to make things right.

So, really, I had acted out of insecurity and regret. I looked up at the blue, hopeful London sky. It really contrasted with the dense, polluted air I was breathing. I lost my gaze in it, caught by the innocence and simplicity it inspired, and wondered whether the rest of the heroes in history had also worked on whatever they conquered just to get personal benefits. Were we all just driven by our own needs, deep inside?

I didn't want to acknowledge that fact, because, among other things, it would make it logical and fair for Luke to have abandoned me in New York. If I accepted that we were all selfish deep inside, if I let myself get comfortable in that feeling, I would have to accept that Fleming&Florey's crime had only been being naturally human.

I looked at Africa and somehow concluded that I had an alternative hypothesis that could push the egoistical theory out of my mind. I had a pharmaceutical point of view that I liked better.

Why did Africa choose to be an artist? We didn't act out of selfishness. We acted in concordance to the release of dopamine each choice we made kick-started in our brain. Dopamine was what took me and Luke to the Seven Sisters that first night. It also made us drink Italian wine in New York. I laughed at my silliness when I thought that dopamine surely had side effects.

A loud noise coming from the stage carried me back into the present. I hadn't noticed that Africa was holding my hand so forcefully that my fingers were going numb.

I looked up and fixed my eyes on Professor Abbey, about to start his speech. He looked really nervous. The hand that he was using to hold the microphone was shaking so much that I found myself about to jump up and hold it for him, but my nerves were not giving me a lot more rest than his.

I looked around, hoping to calm down. I saw Camille giggling in a corner, a few meters away.

"What exactly does she find so funny about a fucking life-or-death demonstration?" I snapped at Africa.

She shrugged. She was still holding my hand forcefully. It was strange seeing her looking so insecure.

"The posters, I reckon. They're so forward."she said, mocking her high-pitched voice.

But I didn't even laugh. Professor Abbey coughed on the microphone.

"I..." he started.

I was clenching my teeth so anxiously that my gums started bleeding.

"I am afraid to tell you that we are no longer allowed to carry on with this demonstration."

Africa and I looked at each other. Lindsay let out a loud gasp. I could taste iron in my mouth.

"What the hell?" Alex yelled.

Professor Abbey and his collegues were leaving the stage, and two cop cars were parking right by it. Some of them got off and started telling people to go home.

I couldn't take it.

I run to the stage, and stole the microphone from Professor Abbey's trembling hand. I looked at him with fear and rage in my eyes. He stepped back. The cops yelled at me but I couldn't figure out what they were saying. I suddenly felt paralyzed when I reached the last stair and saw the crowd from above. Was that how Nora saw us all every day?

What? I asked myself. You're going crazy.

Alex and Lindsay were moving their arms and waving at me frantically. I supposed they wanted me to go back down. Back to normality. If that even existed. I didn't want to go down. I was sick and tired of being down. This was my creation. My moment. My fucking fault. My heart skipped a beat and I let the microphone fall down. My nose had been blocked and I couldn't breathe anymore. No hyperventilation. No tachycardia. No nothing.

I mean, yes: Nothing.

"Don't go home! Come up here with me! Let's do something brave for once!" I shouted.

I doubted anyone could hear me without the microphone, even if I felt like I had ripped my throat open.

I doubted anyone was even listening to me. I caught sight of Camille again. Was it possible that she was still giggling? I started to sweat.

My head went cold when Luke

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