The girl who struggled alone

Part eight

The next day I wake up early because it was my first day back at college and I honestly can't wait to see my friends and teachers again. It's been so long since I was at college.

I go downstairs and see Lilly making breakfast but I didn't eat it because ANA was really loud I tried to block her out but I just couldn't. Lilly says "josh is going to drive you to college this morning."
I say "okay."

Josh drives me to college we get there and I say "bye I love you" I got out the car really fast and ran down to where I have my classes. I see my tutor standing there.
I say "hi"
Tutor says "hi jillian how are you feeling this morning?"
I say "I'm struggling at the moment to be honest."
Tutor says "do you want to go in a classroom and talk about it."
I say "yes if you don't mind."
Tutor says "I don't mind at all jillian I want to help you the best I can."

As we walk to the classroom I see my best friend Michael. I say to my tutor "I will see you in the classroom I just want to say hi to my best friend."
Tutor says "okay"

I go over to Michael "hey"
Michael says "hey omg jillian it's been ages since I last saw you I'm so glad your okay."
I say "yeah it's been awhile and I'm sorry I didn't tell you how bad things got."
Michael says "don't worry about it jillian the main thing is that your okay."
I say "yeah I'm recovering slowly."
Michael says "I will support you and help you in every way I can jillian."
I say "thank you Michael it means a lot, I have to go and talk to my tutor about a few things I will see you at break."
Michael says "okay jillian see you at break."

I walk to classroom where my tutor is. I knock on the door before I go in.
I say "hi"
Tutor says "hi jillian, I will say this now what ever you say to I will not repeat to anyone, but i will say something if you or someone else is in danger."
I say "I know."
Tutor says "you can start when talking when your ready."
I say "basically I woke up really early this morning and started exercising like I used to and I'm scared I will get admitted into hospital again, I wanted to tell Lilly and josh this morning but I've put them through hell as it is. I can't put them though anything else."
Tutor says "jillian do you want me to call Lilly and ask her and josh to come her and we can all talk about it together but only if you want me to."
I say "yeah that would be a good idea but I have lessons to go to don't I?"
Tutor says "I will tell your teachers what's going on and they will understand."
I say "thank you it means a lot."
Tutor says "I will be back in a few minutes please don't leave this room jillian I don't want anything happening to you."
I say " I not leave the room I promise."

My tutor goes out the door to ring Lilly and josh to see if they would come in to talk about everything going on.
While my tutor is gone I walk around the classroom really fast and to be honest I can't stop doing it. My tutor walks in on me. I still didn't stop until my tutor walks up to me and puts her hands on my shoulders and tells me to stop but I didn't listen I couldn't stop. ANA was really loud so I needed to listen to her.
I ended up passing out because I was dehydrated and staving. It wasn't as bad as last time.

Lilly and josh walk into the class room and see me laying on the floor. My eyes slowly opened.
I say "what happened?" Looking so confused.
Tutor says "you passed out jillian, I thought you was getting better."
I say "well I was but I started lying about eating and drinking."
Lilly and josh say "jillian were taking you to the doctors straight away and asking them to put a feeding tube back in you."
I say "no no no you can't ask them to do that you can't." I begged and begged but it didn't work.
Tutor says "it will be for the best jillian and you can start fresh tomorrow at college okay."
I say "okay then."

We walked back to the car my legs left the like jelly I told josh and he picked me up and carried me the rest of the way to the car. We was driving to the doctors yet again.

Lilly says to the receptionist "I would like to book an emergency appointment for jillian please."
Receptionist says "yes you can go and wait in the waiting room and the doctor will shout for jillian in a few minutes."
Lilly says "thank you"

We sit down and minutes later my name gets shouted. We all walk into the room.
Doctors says "what happened?"
Josh says "we got a call from jillian tutor saying to go into college because jillian had spoke to her about a few things and we got there to see jillian laying on the floor she had passed out from staving herself and being dehydrated."
Doctor says "jillian you were doing so well what happened?"
I say "well ANA got louder and louder and I couldn't handle it I really wanted to be honest with Lilly and josh but I just couldn't. I started exercising way to much and lying about eating and drinking. Once I started I couldn't stop I'm sorry."
Doctor says "okay okay calm down it will be okay I promise."
Lilly says "we want you to put a feeding tube back in please it's the only way and we don't want her going back in hospital we can't lose her again, we hated her not being at home with us."
Doctor says "go to the hospital and I will make sure they put one in."

We left the doctors and went straight to the hospital and said why we was there and who it was.
We sat waiting for the nurse or doctor to shout. A few minutes later they shouted my name "jillian"
I told Lilly and josh to wait for me and I will go in on my own.
I walked into the room there was a doctor and a nurse in the room.
Doctor and nurse says "hello jillian it's nice to meet you."
I say "hi it's nice to meet you both to."
Doctor says "lay down on the bed please."
I say "okay" I walk over to the bed and I lay down.
The doctor has the tube ready and I get really nervous and try to get up but the nurse holds me down by my shoulders. The doctor get really close to my nose and I start to scream and kick my legs. The doctor shouts for another nurse to hold my legs but they wasn't strong enough. So the doctor got a strap from the side of the bed and strapped a strap were my legs where I couldn't move them. He put another strap where my arms where and one were my shoulders were I couldn't move my body at all. The next thing I know I had passed out because I was panicking so much and it gave the doctor a chance to put the feeding tube in my nose.
I opened my eyes slowly to see a bright light shining in my eyes I tried to move but I couldn't because the straps where still over my body.
I say "what happened?"
Doctor says "you passed out again. I put the feeding tube in your nose."
I say "okay can I go home now."
Doctor says "no we want to find out why you keep passing out. I will fetch Lilly and josh and tell them."

The doctor unstrapped me first. I sat up on the bed. The doctor walked in with Lilly and josh and he had already explained that I had to stay in overnight so they could find out what was wrong with me.