The girl who struggled alone

Part twelve

I wake up in a hospital bed with wires connected to me. I can't remember anything what happened.
Lilly and josh walk in and shout the doctor saying she's awake.
The doctor comes in she say how are you feeling?
I say "confused what's happened?"
Doctor says "you took an overdose around 4 months ago and you have been in a coma."
I say "what really??"
Doctor says "yes it's true. We didn't think you would make it."
I say "ohh you could of let me die."
Doctor says "why would we let you die??"
I say "because I deserve to die that's why."
Lilly says "NO YOU DON'T me and josh need you in our lives. Your like our daughter and you know that."
I say "I know mum but I just want to die."
Lilly says "I know you do darling but we will get you the help and support you need okay."
I say "okay mum but please don't leave me."
Lilly says "I'm not going anywhere darling I promise."

Hours later I got discharged from the hospital. It's currently 13:30pm in the afternoon and the doctor, my mum and dad decided that I should go to see my CAMHS worker for an emergency appointment to see what she says and does for me since I'm just getting worse and worse.
My CAMHS worker always says it gets worse before it gets better I've been battling anorexia, self harm, suicidal thoughts and feelings, anxiety and other mental illnesses for over 5 years and it's not got better at all.

I got to CAMHS for 14:00pm for my appointment I had to wait 15 minutes for my CAMHS worker to actually turn up.
CAMHS worker says "hi Jillian how are you??"
I say "suicidal and depressed."
CAMHS worker says "ohh okay what's been going on."
I say " I've just got discharged from being in hospital for 4 months because I took an overdose. Ohh yeah I forgot you don't care do you."
CAMHS worker says "I do care Jillian you just don't realise that I do. If I didn't care then I wouldn't be sat here talking to you right now."
I say "okay then."
CAMHS worker says "I'm gonna weigh you and see if you have gained or lost weight since the last time I saw you because you weighted 40.0kg last time."
I say "fine."
CAMHS worker says "step on the scales. 30.9kg!!!!"
I say "yay past my goal weight."
CAMHS worker says "Jillian you are at a really dangerous weight."
I say "I don't care as long as I'm making ANA proud then that's all that matters right now."
CAMHS worker says "I'm going to get Lilly and josh to come in the room and we will see what that say."
I say "fine."

Josh and Lilly walk into the room shocked and I sit there in silence because I don't know what to say.

CAMHS worker says "Jillian we have decided your going back into inpatient again."
I say "no fucking way it makes me worse then I already am."
CAMHS worker says "it's the only option left now Jillian because your not getting any better."
I say "going not back to inpatient does fuck all for me it makes me just give me a chance to do this on my own with the support of you, my mum, dad and my tutor."
CAMHS worker says "okay but you can't lie about if you have eaten or not. I will tell your tutor to keep an eye on you to make your eating at college and josh an Lilly will make sure you eat something at home."
I say "okay I'll try my best."
CAMHS worker says "come and see me next Monday and I'll weigh you to see if you have gained or not."
I say "okay thank you for seeing me."
CAMHS worker says "it's my pleasure Jillian and I do care honestly and I want to help you the best I can because I know people don't want to lose you and I definitely know Lilly and josh need you more than you even realise. People do love and care about you.
I say "I know but sometimes it's hard to believe when everyone I cared and loved died and left me and disowned me and blame me for my real mum and dads death. I will say my dads suicide was my fault because of the thing I said to him but it wasn't my fault my mum died she had cancer she tried fighting for so long but me and brother Liam didn't know about it until the day she died."
CAMHS worker says "I understand how you feel Jillian."
I say "you have no fucking idea how I feel I've spent the last 5 years blaming myself and beating myself up about it and I've put myself through hell and back because of it."
CAMHS worker says "I actually do understand my mum died when I was 14 and my dad died when I was 21 only 5 years ago and I spent 2 years blaming myself for my dads death because he killed himself."
I say "I'm sorry about what happened to you if I knew I wouldn't of said that."
CAMHS worker says "it's okay Jillian not many people know about my past. I do care about you a lot you just don't realise it."
I say "I gathered that but still no one understands what it's like for me."
CAMHS worker says "I'm going to go and ring your tutor and tell her what's going on."
I say "okay but can I go home now though."
CAMHS worker says "yes you can go home with Lilly and josh. I'll get your tutor to ring Lilly later to tell her what going to happen at college."
I say "okay bye."

I go back to the waiting room where Lilly and josh were and I say "we can go home now and my CAMHS worker is going to ring my tutor to tell her what's going to happen when I'm at college and my tutor will ring you later mum to tell you what's going to be done."
Mum says "okay darling let's go home."