The girl who struggled alone

Part ten

23/08/2013
It's 10am I've just woke up because me and Ruby are going to see my CAMHS worker today to talk about the help they can give me because everything is apparently getting out of hand. Which everything is fine. Well I keep telling myself that everything is fine anyway.

I've not eaten in over two weeks. I keep lying to Lilly, josh, Ruby, my CAMHS worker and to my tutor.

Me and Ruby are on our way to CAMHS to see my CAMHS worker.
Ruby says "have you been eating Jillian?"
I say "no I haven't eaten in over two weeks, I've been lying to everyone about eating."
Ruby says "Jillian I know it's hard for you to eat but you need to eat so you can be healthy."
I say "I am healthy."
Ruby says "Jillian no your not, don't you see how skinny you are?"
I say "no because I'm fat."
Ruby says "Jillian your not fat at all your skinny and everyone an see how skinny you are apart from yourself."
I say "ANA says I'm fat, disgusting, horrible and so many other things."
Ruby says "ANA is lying to you Jillian I promise."
I say "how do you know she's lying to me?"
Ruby says "because I know you truly know that she is lying to you, you just don't want to admit it to anyone because you don't want to let ANA down."
I say "can we just not talk about it right now please?"
Ruby says "okay we're at CAMHS now anyway."

Me and Ruby get out of the car and we walk into CAMHS and say who we are and who we are coming to see. We sit down for a few minutes and my CAMHS worker comes out of the staff room.

Me, Ruby and my CAMHS worker go into one of the rooms we sit down and it all began.

CAMHS worker says "how are you Jillian?"
I ignore her and just sit there in silence.
Ruby says "she's not been doing so well. She hasn't eaten in over two weeks."
CAMHS worker says "Jillian can I weigh you please?"
I nod my head meaning yes.
Me and my CAMHS worker go into the medical room in the CAMHS place. She tells me to step on the scales so I do and it says 40.0kg.
CAMHS worker says "Jillian you weigh 40.0kg you can't keep losing weight like you are doing."
I say "I need to lose weight because if I don't ANA won't be happy with me."
CAMHS worker says "let's go back into the room where Ruby is and see what she says."

We go back to the room where Ruby is.
CAMHS worker says "I've just weighed Jillian and she weighs 40.0kg if she loses anymore she might have to go back into inpatient."
I say "that's not happening not again I can't go back there again."
Ruby says "it might be for the best."
I say "no it isn't all it does is fuck your head up even more."
CAMHS worker says "Jillian you know it's for the best so don't refuse to go because you'll just get forced to go like every other time."
I say "I don't give a fuck if I have to be forced to go because I'm not going end of."
Ruby says "come on Jillian I think it's time to leave before you get even more angrier."
CAMHS worker says "I think that's for the best."

Me and Ruby go back to her car.
I say "I'm sorry about what happened in there."
Ruby says "it's okay Jillian I know it's annoying having to be told that you'll probably be sectioned again."
I say "no one understands though that's the thing."
Ruby says "how about we go back to your house so we can let Lilly and josh that I'm taking you for some lunch so we can talk."
I say "okay."

We get back home and Ruby tells Lilly and josh that she is taking me out for lunch so we can talk a bit more.

I say bye to my mum and dad.
Then me and Ruby go to a cafe and I just ask for a bottle of water because I can't break my fast.
Ruby says "I'm not going to force you to eat if you don't want to."
I say "thank god because I can't break my fast not now."
Ruby says "you will have to eat eventually if you get put back into inpatient."
I say "no I won't eat there either, don't you realise that I can't let ANA down, she's in control not me."
Ruby says "I know ANA is in control but you need to take back that control because it's your life not ANA'S and you know that deep down Jillian."
I say "I can't take back control because when I try to ANA always seems to find her way back into my life."
Ruby says "it always feels like she's in control but she's not. It's your body not hers Jillian."
I say "I know it's my body but....."
Ruby says "but what Jillian."
I say "it doesn't matter."
Ruby says "it does matter to me."
I say "can we just stop talking about this please because I can't handle it right now."
Ruby says "okay, but we will need to talk about it eventually though Jillian."
I say "I know but it's just a hard subject right now to talk about."
Ruby says "okay do you want to go back home?"
I say "yeah, I need to do a few things."
Ruby says "okay let's go."

I get into Ruby's car and she drives me home. She came in with me because she wants to talk to Lilly and josh. I went up to my bedroom grabbed my blades and cut as deep as I could until I passed out.

All I can remember is cutting and then passing out. My eyes slowly opened and Lilly, josh and Ruby were standing over me.
I say "what happened?"
Ruby says "you cut really deep and passed out an ambulance is on its way."
I say "I'm not going to hospital not again."
Lilly says "you have to go darling, I'll go in the ambulance with you and josh will meet us at the the hospital."
I say "but mum I don't want to."
Ruby says "Jillian you have to. The cut is really deep and it needs stitching up."
Josh says "the ambulance has just got here, I'll tell them to come up."

The ambulance people see my arm and they clean the cut the best they can.
Before I get to the ambulance Michael is walking down the road and he sees me the the bandage around my arm. He turns round and goes the opposite way.
It hurt me so much.
I get in the ambulance with Lilly we get to the hospital and they stitch my arm up and thankfully they let me go home the same day which I was like yay.

We get home and I go straight to bed because I have college in the morning.

I wake up at 4am. I get up put a pair of leggings and a top on just because I'm going to be exercising for 2 hours straight.
After exercising for 2 hours I take a quick shower and dry my hair and everything I need to do in the bathroom. I go back to my room and get my clothes out of my drawers and get ready for college.

It's now 7am and I go downstairs to see Lilly and josh eating breakfast.
Lilly says "good morning do you want any breakfast?"
I say "no I'll get something to eat at college before lesson."
Josh says "I'll take you to college if you want me to."
I say "yes if you don't mind, my legs feel like jelly."
Lilly says "why?"
I say "I don't know mum."
Lilly says "Jillian you haven't been exercising again have you?"
I say "mum I promise I haven't." I lie
Josh says "you better not be lying to us again, we just want you healthy again Jillian, we love you way too much to lose you again."
I say "I'm not lying dad I promise, I love you both too."
Josh says "come on we best be going."

I give my mum a cuddle and I grab my bag and I put my shoes on.
I get in the car and my dad says" I know you were exercising this morning I heard you but I just didn't want to say anything in front of your mum because it'll kill her if she finds out."
I say "I'm sorry dad it's just hard when ANA is screaming at me 24/7."
Dad says "I know it is darling. Have a good day at college."
I say "I'll try to dad I love you."
Dad says "I love you too"