It's a week since I was discharged from hospital and I'm back at college now. It hasn't been going to well lately because I've had my tutor watching me eat 24/7 but I've been pretending just to eat.
I have to see my CAMHS worker again today and I know I've lost even more weight since I last saw her.
It's 10am I go to CAMHS on my own because I don't want Lilly or josh to know that I've lost even more weight because they'll make me go back to inpatient again.
CAMHS worker says "hi Jillian how have things been."
I say "fine." I lie.
CAMHS worker says "let's go and weigh you the last time I saw you, you weighed 30.9kg.
I say "I know."
CAMHS worker says "you are 25.8kg Jillian you've lost even more. You could die any minute your at a really dangerous weight. I'm going to ring Lilly and josh to come here and I'm going to section you because I have no other choice because your not getting any better.
I say "you can ring them but don't expect me to be alive when you come back."
CAMHS worker says "Jillian what do you mean?"
I say "it doesn't matter just go and ring Lilly and josh."
CAMHS worker says "okay."
My CAMHS worker walks out of the room and I get my blade from behind my phone case and I cut my wrist really deep all I can remember is cutting really deep then passing out.
My CAMHS worker comes in the room with lolly and josh and they see my lifeless body laying there on the floor.
My CAMHS worker rings for an ambulance. The ambulance comes and they stop the cut from bleeding but I'm still unconscious.
The next thing I know I wake up in a hospital bed with wires connected to me.
Lilly and josh are standing outside the room. They see that I'm awake and they come rushing in.
Mum says "she's awake she's really awake."
Dad says "we nearly lost you, you are going back to inpatient Jillian, we're really sorry but you have to."
I say "I knew it was going to happen again and I know you won't want me living with you both again after everything I have put you both through."
Mum says "of course we want you to live with us again after your out of the hospital we just want you to get better because your such a bright, smart, beautiful and wonderful young lady and we want to see you grow into a lovely young women. You have been in our lives far too long for us to not want you."
Dad says "you have made a big impact in our lives we love you like our own daughter and we know you'll never be ours but we want to be your parents forever only if you want us to be though."
I say "why would you want someone like me in your lives all I have done is ruin it."
Mum says "you haven't ruined our lives you have made it better. Yes you have been in and out of hospital but we understand why you have and we want to be there for you every step of the way. We wouldn't just give up on you like everyone else has. We love you way too much to do that to you jillian."
I say "what if I don't get better though mum."
Mum says "you will get better because we'll be here for you every step of the way if you fall down we'll be there to pick you back up again."
I say "okay mum I love you both more than you'll ever know."
Dad says "we love you too jillian."
The doctor walks in and says you'll be able to go home in a few hours Jillian we just need to change your dressing on the cut and check your obs an then you'll be free to go back home. If anything thing happens again come straight back.
YOU ARE READING
The girl who struggled alone
Non-Fictionits about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and he dad to suicide. she lost everyone in her life. she struggles from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety.
