I've been in the hospital overnight and they have said I've been passing out so much because of my anxiety and having panic attacks and because of not eating.
Tomorrow is my birthday I will finally be 16. so I'm hoping I can go home today with Lilly and josh because I've missed them so much it's only been an overnight stay but I don't care. They are like my mum and dad.
A few hours later
Josh and Lilly walk in the hospital room I'm in.
I scream mum and dad. I think in my head what the fuck have I just said. I'm not their daughter. For fuck sake good one Jillian you have ruined everything now.
Josh and Lilly stand there in shock after what had just been said. After a few minutes.
Josh says "finally she's called us mum and dad I've been waiting so long for her to say that."
Lilly says "I can't believe you have just said that." She had a big smile on her face.
I say "so your not mad that I called you mum and dad?"
Josh says "of cause we're not your our daughter even though you not ours by blood we still class you as our daughter."
Lilly says "from the first moment I saw you I thought to myself she's my daughter."
I say "I love you mum and dad."
They both say "we love you so much Jillian."
The doctor walks in and say I can go home whenever I want to. I got out of the bed grabbed my clothes and went into the bathroom and changed as quickly as I could. I didn't want to stay in that place any longer.
Me, Lilly and josh left the hospital straight after they signed me out. We went straight home and I ran straight upstairs put my bag in my room. I looked at myself in my mirror and noticed I was slowly putting weight on.
I hear ANA'S voice in my head saying your fat, your disgusting, you will never be perfect, you will never be skinny, you will never be good enough for anyone.
I thought to myself ANA is right.
I broke down in tears on my bedroom floor.
I looked in my drawers to find my blade and after 5 minutes of looking I finally found it. I rolled my sleeves up and i cut. One cut turned into two. Two cuts turned into three and so on.
I did a really deep cut and it wouldn't stop bleeding so I grabbed something and wrapped it around my arm and i ran downstairs as fast I could and I saw Lilly in the kitchen.
Lilly says "Jillian what's wrong??"
I said "I cut and one of the cuts I cut a bit to deep and it won't stop bleeding I don't know what to do I'm scared mum."
Lilly says "wait there I will get josh and were going straight to the hospital."
Lilly also phoned Ruby my social worker and Lilly told her what happened and Ruby said she will come and see me tomorrow great on my birthday as well.
Lilly comes rushing in with josh and we get in the car and rush to the hospital and we got there and rushed into the hospital entrance and josh shouted someone to help me because I nearly blacked out. I got stitches and I was allowed to go home in the early hours.
It was 20/08/13
When I wake up it was only 10am I decided to go downstairs to see if Lilly or josh was up. I got downstairs and went into the kitchen and Lilly and josh were both up sat at the table they saw me and they both shouted "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JILLIAN"
I say "thank you"
Lilly says "what do you want to do today."
I say "I don't care to be honest I don't really like celebrating my birthday."
Josh says "you can invite some friends over if you want."
I say "no I don't want them to see me like this."
Lilly says "what do you mean?"
I say "they will see how fat I am and they will see my scars and my cuts I don't want them to see them just yet. I've kept it from them for so long they can see them yet."
Lilly says "one your not fat at all your far too skinny and two if they see then they will support you through it if they are real friends."
I say "fine I will invite Michael over but that the only person I trust him more then anyone else."
Josh says "that's okay we will do a bit of dinner if you want."
I say "yeah that's fine." I lie
I go upstairs and grab my phone and text Michael.
J: hey, Michael do you want to come over for a few hours since its my birthday and Lilly and josh want me to invite someone round for dinner.
M: I would love to come I will see you in 10 minutes. I need to talk to you about something anyway.
J: okay see you soon and oh okay.
End of conversation
*knock knock*
I answer the door and Michael is there he hands me some flowers and a card and says "happy birthday Jillian."
I say "thank you, come in."
Michael says "hello Mr and Mrs Edmunds it's nice to see you both again it's been awhile."
Lilly says "hi Michael it's nice to see you too."
Michael says "Lilly would I be able to talk to Jillian in private."
Lilly says "of course you can Michael."
Michael follows me to my room.
Michael says "I need to talk to you I know you probably won't feel the same way but I can't keep it from you any longer."
I say "would you like to explain it a bit more."
Michael says "of course I will explain it a bit more, basically I've liked you more then a friend since the first day I saw you I knew you was the girl for me, I'm sorry I know you don't feel the same way."
I say "Michael wait, I do feel the same way I might not of shown it but since the first time I saw you at college I knew you were the only person I want to be with."
Michael says "Jillian would you be my girlfriend?"
I say "yes of course I will be your girlfriend."
Me and Michael run downstairs to tell Lilly and josh.
I say "mum dad, me and Michael have just got together."
Lilly says "aww I'm so happy for you guys I was wondering when you would get together."
Josh says "finally."
I say "aww thank you mum and dad."
Later that day Ruby comes round to see me and Michael was still at my house when she came. Shit I forgot about Ruby coming today. I introduced Michael to my social worker.
Michael said "I'll go home so you can talk to your social worker, I love you Jillian."
I say "okay I love you too."
Ruby says "do you want to go to your room to talk."
I say "yeah it'll be easier then I'll be able to be honest with you about everything."
Ruby says "okay lead the way."
Me and Ruby go into my room and she sees my blades on my bedside table I forgot I put them there.
Ruby says "Jillian what are these?"
I say "my blades I'll put them away I forgot they were out."
Ruby says "Jillian what happened last night?"
I say "everything just got to me and I couldn't cope ANA was screaming at me. My head was about to explode and I saw my sharpener on my bedside table to I grabbed it and took the blade out of it and took the blade to my skin."
Ruby says "I think it's time we speak to your CAMHS worker to see what they can do for you because none of us want to see you hurting yourself 24/7 like you are doing at the moment. You do deserve the help Jillian I promise."
I say "yeah and if we talk to my CAMHS worker I'll probably get sectioned again like every other time.
Ruby says "I'll come and pick you up on Monday to take you to CAMHS because I'll ring your CAMHS worker to make you an emergency appointment okay".
I say "okay fine."
YOU ARE READING
The girl who struggled alone
Non-Fictionits about a girl who lost her mother to cancer and he dad to suicide. she lost everyone in her life. she struggles from an eating disorder, depression, anxiety.
