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(Chance)
I harshly washed my face hoping it could wake me up from my own thoughts. I do this every time I wake up from a bad dream but last night was different. I didn't wake up because I didn't sleep at all. Hell. It wasn't even a dream. It was a nightmare in it's newest form. To make it short, it was reality.
I thought I was awake but I actually wasn't. I can never be, I guess. What I have now is a nightmare in different sorts, more vivid and lucid, painful as reality has always been to me. I feel like someone's about to take me somewhere I'm afraid to go so I would run hoping I could escape from where I am. It's like time is moving slowly and so the pain... it's unbearable... a complete torture. What's worse is that every movement, every step I take to escape is costing more energy than it should leaving me breathless, like the gravity is turned upside down. My hands are clenched into fists and my heart is pounding so darn fast and I'm afraid it'll burst. Then suddenly I'm on a boat floating in a dark river with only the moon lighting the place. It's scary and I'm alone. And unexpectedly I fell from the boat and even if I can actually swim it seemed impossible for me not to drown in my own emotions. The frustrating part is realizing no one can save me but myself. So even if it's difficult, even if it's painful, I have to help myself because if I don't, no one will.
I closed my eyes and the memories from last night came rushing in.
The painful memory of me walking to the garden with my guitar and a blanket in my hands flashed back. I stopped walking when I figured out Chase and Vick were sitting outside. I was about to leave to give them respect and give them privacy but Vick said something that made me stay. Vick said something that caught my attention.
"Isn't it funny how things can turn upside down in a blink of an eye? The person who chased before is the person who's being chased now. And the person who's being chased before is the person who's chasing now. The person who used to beg for attention is the person who ignores and the person who didn't care is not the person who wants nothing but love and affection. Doesn't it amuse you?" I blinked my eyes and sighed exasperatedly. I know it's me. I know he's talking about me and Chase. A mixture of embarrassment and pain is killing me.
I watched Chase as her facial expressions darkened. I watched her as she looked away. I can feel her anger even from afar. I thought she'll never reply but she did. And I regret hearing what she had to say.
"I chased him and he stopped running and then he mislead me and he ran again so I had to chase him again. But I tripped over the reality and realized how tiring the chase was, how tiring it was to ask for love and attention. So I stopped." She's lying. I firmly closed my eyes and tried to convince myself she's lying. I want to fucking get out of here. I want to stay away so I could prevent myself from hearing her painful words that act like daggers in my heart. I want to fucking go but my feet are betraying me. It seemed as though they were glued to where I'm standing at.
"But I'm not like him, Vick. I wont run the way he did just because I want him to chase me. I would run and run and run because I want to avoid the things and the decisions I shouldn't have took when I had the chance. I'm not a monster, Vick. I'm not like him." I opened my eyes and I felt my knees shaking. She thinks — no, she sees me as a... monster. She hates me that much, huh? Don't worry, Chase. I hate myself too. I hate myself the most.
"You've been so selfless and all that mattered to you was Gerald. How could you not do that now?" Vick's questions was painfully true. But what hurts more is that she laughed at what he said as if it was the most funniest joke she have ever heard.
"I'm done on that point. I'm done on that position. What happened in the past is enough and I don't want to do it again. I don't want everything to happen again." I don't know what's hurting me now. Is it her words or the fact that she doesn't want to give it another shot? Both, maybe.
"Everything has it's own face, Darlene. You only know your side and not his story. Why don't you sit and listen to his?" Vick might be doing this out of pity but I appreciate his effort to persuade his best friend. Chase has always been so stubborn and if she wants something, she makes sure she gets it even if it'll be wrong in front of other people's eyes, "Like what I told you, Vick. I'm done listening. I'm done being stupid. I'm done hurting. I'm done."
If you are in my shoes, what would you do? Could you sleep peacefully at night? Could you not think of the person you love and her words? I bet you cant and I'm pretty sure you'll be doing the exact same thing I'm doing. It'll be hard to breathe because once again I feel myself in a tight grip and in every passing second it suffocates me more. That grip? That would be Chase.
Vick is right, actually. Time flew so fast and things changed. I just couldn't accept it. And it's not because she's not chasing me anymore but because... because she doesn't love me. Well, she did but not anymore. But I have three months to change that. I have three fucking months to make her fall back in love with me. And this time I will make sure she'll be whipped as I am to her.
I took a deep sigh before I went out of my room. I cooked breakfast for everyone so I could impress her a bit. It wasn't hard for me because we got stocks here and I know how to cook. By seven thirty I finished breakfast. I am preparing the table when I Chase came down. She looked at me for mere three seconds before she looked away.
"Good morning, Chase." I said with a smile plastered on my face. I expected her to greet me back or even give me a smile like what she does towards my employees but no. She didn't even bother to give me at least a nod. She just went straight inside the kitchen so I followed her.
"I cooked breakfast. Let's just wait for everyone to wake —" This time she spoke.
"It's Darlene now, Gerald. And I know. I saw the table with my own two eyes so don't mkake me look stupid cause I ain't one." She said and passed after me.
"I know and it's not my intention." I said quickly but she also replied fast, "Whatever." She looked like she's heading upstairs so I asked her where she's going.
"To my room. Do you need anything else?" She impatiently said. I tried to ignore it and focused on my goal.
"Did you left something upstairs? I could get it for you. I mean, if you'd ask me to." I said. Maybe she realized I can be a great help so she said yes and that she left her camera.
I ran the stairs up until her room. I immediately saw her DSLR camera on top of the table next to her bed. I took it and like a kid with a candy as his lollipop, I quickly ran back. She muttered her thanks to me and it somehow made me feel better. This is good. Right?
But she left another one, I assume. She continuesly put her hand inside her pockets but it was empty. She even cursed after that.
"What's the matter?"
"I forgot my phone. Wait here." She was about to leave but I held her arm and stopped her. I told her I'll be the one to get it for her and she nodded her yes. Like what I did earlier, I ran so I could arrive at her room in the fastest way I can. I looked everywhere and every corner but I couldn't find it. I asked her where it is but she couldn't hear me properly so I had to go back downstairs and ask her the question. She said it's in the drawer so I went upstairs again and looked if it was there but it wasn't. So I looked again in every corner including her bathroom, her closet, I even looked at her bag but it wasn't there.
"It wasn't there —"When I went back downstairs my sentence was cut off. She was holding her phone. She noticed I'm back.
"Oh. There you are. Turns out I left my phone on the kitchen counter. Silly me." I nodded my head and tried my best to give her the best smile I could give. Was I able to impress her at least?
