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(Chance)
When I realized Chase left I will describe my heartache as a disastrous fire burning every part of my body. Up until now I'm still wondering why I'm still breathing though I know I should have felt happy when she left. I mean, that's what I wanted when I found out about her identity. Remember? I should have been happy, should've drown myself in alcohol and party all night because finally I was free. I should've had but I wasn't, I couldn't. Because deep down I know, a big part of my heart is experiencing hell with her absence. My heart is throbbing, torturing me in my waking hours reminding me I caused this for myself and frustrates me as I find no relief.
It is cruel how a heart can keep on beating and pump blood even if it's its broken into tiny pieces. And no matter how lifeless you can feel, the dug dug still continues.
Now, with my career I can say my heart is like music. A different kind of music, that is. I can say that before when I was still the boy who knew nothing but his self happiness, my heart is like a rock music. Banging and deafening kind of music that attracts women and trouble. And now without Chase in my life, my heart is like a music of a great orchestra. At times it is quiet and soft allowing me to feel peacefulness. Sometimes the combination of cello, violins and other instruments will rise to a crescendo and the anger and frustration I feel towards myself will just want to burst out. But most of the time violins will play allowing me to feel the sadness I want to ignore.
What happened between Chase and I were nightmares. They're nightmares that keeps me from having a good night sleep, nightmares that haunts me everyday and every night. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is her face. I can see her and it pains me to see her face trying to smile at me even if she's hurting. It pains me to see her. And I cant do anything but to get angry at myself for keeping my pride so high.
I should've forget my anger and just love her. I should've just love her instead of pushing her away.
But I didn't and that was the stupidest thing I ever did in my life; pushing away the person who wants to stay. In the end it hurt us both.
I can still remember that time when I wanted to pull her in my arms and take back the words I said. It is still vivid as if it just happened yesterday. I remember watching her as she walks away. It was so painful. So damn painful. I can still remember wiping the tears that escaped from my eyes. I even took a ball from the basketball rack and threw it harshly into nowhere. And I'm sure I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I cried my heart out. I shouted and withdrew all the hatred, anger, pain and emotions I feel until my knees can handle no more. That's when I realize that crying isn't a sign of weakness but strength rather. Sometimes crying speak eloquently than a thousands of tongues. They speak the overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love. I wasn't sure how long I stayed on my knees but it is damn long.
