cold feet [1]

thirty

namjoon's point of view

"What are we going to do?" Yoongi asked as they laid out the folder that Jungkook's parents had given us. It was the least we could do for the family, unable to imagine the grief that the two would be feeling for their son. So we had agreed to organise the funeral service. Yoongi and Seokjin led the discussion, both keeping their struggles internal so they could speak openly without breaking down. I didn't often see either of them cry, they both held their emotions close to their chests. Hoseok and I listened, curled up together on the couch as Yoongi went through the check-list of things they needed to do in the next three days.

"Did they find his body?" Hoseok asked quietly, a question none of us had ever been brave enough to ask. I hadnt gone back to work since the accident, so I had no updates about what happened. Seokjin shook his head, sipping a cup of tea as he brought up a message from Jungkook's mother.

"Seon said they couldn't find anything. Heat destroyed the area and it was impossible to differentiate." I shuddered at the thought, burying my head into Hoseok's shoulder as he brought a hand up to hug my cheek. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Taehyung curled up on the stairs, eyes closed and head tilted to the side to listen. It was clear he didn't want anyone to notice he was there.

"So what can we do for his service?" Hoseok asked quietly, fidgeting with the button on my collar.

"We can have a memorial service, collect some photos of him, or some of his awards and just have a small gathering somewhere. It won't be much. But hopefully it can at least serve as some kind of repayment towards him." Seokjin spoke so calmly as if he were planning a party. Whilst a part of me knew it was a coping mechanism, the irritation bubbling in me was impossible to keep down as I snapped up,

"You act like you don't even care that he's dead." I knew I was too harsh the moment I said it, even Hoseok pulled away in surprise, brow furrowed in confusion. I brushed it off, crossing my arms over my chest and staring back at Seokjin in wait of his response.

"I'm trying to deal with this as best I can." He began slowly, a scowl on his face as he rubbed a hand against his forehead. "If your way of mourning is to be snappy and upset be my guest, do whatever you like. But mine isn't, so don't go acting like a selfish brat." I rose an eyebrow at the retort, but didn't say anything knowing he was right. "Take into consideration my own experiences with grief before you start taking yours out on me, okay?" Seokjin rose to his feet and stormed off, leaving the three of us in silence.

taehyung's point of view

I sat on the stairs listening to the four talk quietly among themselves. I couldn't sleep, nor did I want to spend any alone time with Jimin. So instead I listened to them speaking about Jungkook. Grief did strange things to the human brain. I listened to it play out amongst the close friends as they yelled at eachother whilst caring for eachother in tandem. It was a strange phenomenon that made relationships so strange to navigate; that two truths can exist together.

The tension finally cracsendod when the male I learnt was Seokjin snapped at Namjoon, and I jumped in surprise when he appeared at the base of the stairs, stopping to stare as I curled up and looked away in quiet shame.

"You should be asleep." He uttered, pausing for a second before sitting down beside me.

"I can't sleep." I replied, playing with the sleeve of a pair of pyjamas Jimin had lent me.

"You blame yourself for this."

Yes.

"No." I paused, turning to see Seokjin quirking an eyebrow. "Yes."

"Well, it's not your fault. It's no ones, not even his. There are just some things that can't be avoided, and we lose people we love." That final word made me shudder, trying to reject it with everything in me as I tried pulling away from the proximity. But Seokjin stopped me by wrapping his arm around my shoulder and bringing me closer. "I may sound like I don't care about what happened. But you have to understand that it's how I deal with these things after many losses. I find that mourning only hurts more so I figure celebrating their existence and appreciating them is a much better way." I nodded, agreeing with his explanation.

"I've lived my whole life alone. I've never had anyone to lose..."

I could list someone.

"Jungkook, he meant a lot to me..." I added, ignoring that petulant voice in my head as I shook my head in frustration. Seokjin smiled timidly, fingers soothing over my shoulders in a way that loosened the tightness in my muscles. A feeling of relief washing through me.

"He meant a lot to everyone, which is why it hurts so much to know that he's gone." Seokjin stared off into nothing for awhile, and I saw the glassiness in his fractal gaze. Then he squeezed my shoulder, grounding himself back to the present. "Come on, get to bed it's late." He helped me to my feet and began aiding me up the stairs since I was still struggling to walk.

"Why are you being so nice to me? You've only just met me... and Jimin's been very clear about who I am." Seokjin smiled at my uncertainty.

"You make Jungkook happy."

I make Jungkook happy?
You're not the only one surprised by that.

"You give him something to look forward to that isn't work. For many years he has not found joy in anything. He buried himself in his work and had built this belief that his life was supposed to be used serving others. But since he met you, which I sense was awhile ago, he was leaving the house more, became much more joyful and curious. He began putting time into something. Or in this case, someone." We stopped outside the room I was staying in and I flashed a small smile towards him as he bid me goodnight. Then I entered the room cautiously to find Jimin asleep on the bottom bunk.

I attempted to climb onto the top one without waking him. Though the age of the metal structure made it difficult I managed to get up, settling onto the soft mattress and staring up at the dark ceiling that did strange things to my eyes. I tried to sleep by closing my eyes and attempting to empty my mind of thoughts.

"Do you think he's really dead?" The voice made me jump, and since the ceiling was quite low I ended up bashing my head against it. With a groan I fell back onto the pillows, cradling my forehead and inhaling deeply. A head of red hair popped up beside me, and I was surprised to see Jimin with a brightness in his eyes.

"Don't do that." I groaned, trying to blink away the pain as it clouded my vision.

"Sorry, but do you think so?" I raised an eyebrow at him, surprised at how freely he was speaking.

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm curious." I sighed, curlibg up and moving over so that Jimin could climb up and sit at the edge of the bed.

"Maybe, I don't know. The area was destroyed. I can't see how he would survive. Why do you ask?"

"Just a thought because I saw something earlier today when I was leaving to come here. There was this person sitting outside his house, but they ran before I could see who they were."

"Did he wear a mask?" Jimin nodded, his eyes widening.

"You've seen him too?" I gave a short nod, looking out the window. It was dark and I couldn't see any movement.

"Here, this afternoon."

"Do you think it's him?" I lowered my head, trying to think. I'd never thought of it being Jungkook, why would he fake his death then continue watching us? Apart of me hoped it was him, that way I could at least rest knowing that he was alive. But my own doubts clouded my mind

"I can't bring myself to believe it's him. I never saw what happened but Namjoon did, there was no way anyone could survive that kind of damage." Jimin's hopeful light faded as he nodded timidly, sliding himself off of the bed without another word.

Way to kill the vibe.
Oh I'm sorry, like you could do better.

I laid back down on the bed, staring up at the blank and boring ceiling.

I miss you Jungkook.

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