cold feet [1]

thirty five

jungkook's point of view

The moment of peace that was felt with my family held close felt surreal. To explain the relief to see my sister again felt impossible. Parts of me were still stuck in that pain of near death. Reliving that moment where I thought I would burn forever over and over on a broken tape recording. Flames that split my skin so effortlessly, slicing through my very existence. I had tried to cage that memory in the week spent with a literal Goddess. Had tried everything to get rid of that feeling, begging her to take it away.

Why did you take me? I had pleaded with her, just wanting to die so this would all end. She never spoke to me about anything other than the orders of my safety. Don't be caught and don't tell anyone. Then it was like my existence meant nothing to her, locked in a room with no windows or doors left to relive that moment.

To hug my family was the first time I felt that moment relent, pressed deep until the joy of having people to love was stronger than my fear.

People I loved that filled me with guilt...
That I let them believe I was dead. That I let them fall victim to the torments of grief, just to come back during my own funeral service. In hindsight, not a great way to broach the subject of my recovery...

So now I sat at the kitchen table listening to the various voices of wrath rain down upon me in violent harmony. Scolded for being selfish, heinous and cruel. All words spoken in the heat of rage by Seokjin. I knew he didn't mean it, that his words covered his exhilaration. The man had dealt with grief beyond anyone I had ever met, it made sense since my actions disrupted what had become a routine for him.

How did I explain to them that I had to stay hidden? That I had to stay away because if I didn't they would have seen the charring of my skin and the white blisters that pooled with my own blood. Well ... I couldn't

"It wasn't my fault!" I screamed at Seokjin to match his tone from his previous accusations, glaring up at those who were boldly returning my scowl.

"How is it not your fault?! You clearly knew where we were the whole time. You were following Taehyung. You couldn't have at least shown up once? Or left some kind of sign! Your own mother was a wreck. She was the first to be told that you had been burnt to the point that they couldn't even identify your remains!" The descriptive announcement of my death sent a terrifying chill down my spine, eyes squeezing shut in an attempt to stop my whole body shaking.

"I didn't want her to suffer," I gritted out, hands curled into fists, too ashamed to look up at those inspecting me like I was some human study. "I didn't want any of you to suffer."

"Then why leave us? Why can't you tell us?" I shook my head desperately, giving up on trying to behave for them all.

"It doesn't matter, I am alive and that's all I care about. Just leave me alone!" A hand rested against my shoulder, sending further chilling sensations through my nerves that Venus had spent two days healing and regrowing. That hand belonged to Yoongi, I looked up briefly into his eyes as he squeezed my shoulder before returning to Seokjin who was still pacing. "I cannot put into words how much it hurt having to see you cry because of me." I whispered, tracing the scars that felt like sandpaper under my fingertips. "The pain I felt having to let you suffer was worse than this..." Then I let my hand settle on a particular dark area where my skin had been completely burnt away, now thankfully woven back by Venus. "I wished I had died just so I didn't have to feel this. But it wasn't my choice. Someone saved me that's all I can say. The least I could've done was listen to them when they told me to stay." Seokjin stared down at me with a pensive misery. Though he would never admit to it, I could tell he was the one who had suffered the most, I knew what had happened to his family. "Besides, I was too ashamed to let you see me the way I was."