cold feet [1]

thirty eight

taehyung's point of view

"I kissed him."

Tears clouded my eyes as I spoke those three words filled with a quivering of dread that seemed to flood my body with a new wave of sickness. It was my greatest shame to admit it aloud. Punishment followed the confession with a moment of sitting breathless whilst my lungs tried to betray me. With a heave of each painful breath I hung my head and waited for Jimin's reaction.

"W- who? Jungkook?" I gave a slow nod, eyelids drooping under the weightless feeling of empty lungs.

"I couldn't stop myself... He just-" just thinking about him brought the tightening of the thorns around my heart, strangling out a gasp when it felt like every surface of my insides was being slashed apart. In a desperate attempt to be pulled out of this torture I launched forward to get a hold on Jimin's shirt, pulling him on top of me until our noses touched. This pain of affection was nothing compared to the tearing of my insides, it was almost a relief to feel the touch of someone else pull me back to the living. The touch of his nose triggered a smile, a quiet appreciation for this boy I had destroyed. Now I held him tight just wishing he could save me. With each silent beg for breath I managed to cry out to him, "I fucked up Jimin." Another confession that brought the weight of the world on top of me, raining down in heavy tears as I tightened my grip on his shirt to keep that painful reminder that I was still alive close. "I'm going to die!" I cried heavier, tongue stuck on the roof of my mouth to feel the sharpness of the words. 

"You're not going to die." Jimin tried to speak, then I felt his fingers on the back of my neck, pinching the skin until my nerves fried beyond feeling and I felt my fingers loosen up on him so he could pull away. My body fell deeper into the mattress, head falling back so that I could cry out into the silence. The only thing keeping me here was the slow circling of Jimin's fingers on my knee and his words that echoed around me, "What kind of kiss?" He asked unexpectedly, I guess he was trying to lighten the mood. Though it was not a comfortable topic I wanted to discuss with him, it was easier than having to focus on my nerves that felt like livewires crossing paths where they shouldn't, protesting with jolting electricity that made me want to scream.

"His neck..." I whispered, "He didn't notice, it was after I rejected his attempt to kiss me on the lips." I choked up at the reminder, fingers brought to my lips to feel the memory of his warm skin pressed so close, scent of his perfume like a remedy and a poison intoxicating me with a love I had never felt before.

A love that was now killing me.

"I just wanted to stay like that forever," I continued to cry, scrunching up my face to try and stay focused on the euphoria of that feeling without being torn apart by the consequences. "To... to be able to hold him and feel safe." It was pathetic for me to be confessing this to my ex, I should have been confessing it to Jungkook, but instead I had hurt him out of fear.

I can still save you.
You can't. Just leave me alone.
It's not too late! If we destroy this now you can make it out.

I shook my head desperately, sobbing at the thought of the two paths in front of me. Either way my heart would break, the inevitable end of a curse brought by my own psychotic actions.

"You've lasted this long, Tae. You've been doing this for so long. You're, what, hundred and something now?"

"175 maybe." I saw Jimin nod in my peripheral, those fingers on my skin still anchoring me.

"Who was the worst or them? Apart from Jungkook." I pondered the question for awhile, not replying for at least five minutes. There were so many, hundreds of males who came from all walks of life. Some were rich jerks that were more of a sexual enticement, others were bleeding hearts of hopelessness. The second were always the hardest. I could lust with out love no problem, but to avoid love purely from affection, that was a challenge I was destined to fail.