Scribble

7th: Top Five Things I Dislike About Myself

BOY do I have a lot of issues (AKA, why I'm now in therapy, but really I should have been years ago). 

Again, it's like 11, I have work tomorrow, but I'm doing this because Emma isn't, and I'm better than her, but we'll see. We'll see.

Anyways, the real topic: me hating on myself. This is more than five because on one hand I want to balance out yesterday and on another hand I just like venting about things that I am not proud of. IDK.

1. My looks.

In a nice twist, this is once again at the top. Now, I do think I'm pretty, but there are some things I don't like about myself as well. My smile is awkward, my glasses are awful, I'm actually pretty bad at makeup and it looks like a little kid did it, I bite my nails, and I really don't like my thighs, because they're big and squishy and society has trained me to think that squishy thighs are bad. As much as people tell me "Oh, you're skinny! All girls think they're fat!" I really think that I'm probably the actual chubby one. Two sides to every coin.

2. My coping skills (or lack therof).

So, I'm not a person who usually shows any emotions other than like generally cheerful? Like I sometimes get angry and I sometimes get sad, but usually I don't get like, super sad, or super angry, except that I don't do those things because I just bottle everything up except for cheerfulness, and then eventually, something pushes me over the edge and I scream and stomp and cry and it's just generally unhealthy, and also why my mom thinks I need therapy. Frankly, I agree.

3. My waterworks.

I'm an easy crier. I don't do it for things that don't matter, but it's hard for me to hide when I'm crying, and I cry easily, at movies, during stressful projects and stuff, when I can't find something, at movies, when my sister is being even borderline mean. . . Just talking to me about my emotions makes me like tear up, and then my voice gets that awful catch in it so people know I'm about to cry, and then I don't want to talk anymore because I know I'm about to cry. Also, my sisters make fun of me for crying at things like movies so I guess I just always think it's a bad thing to cry, which isn't not, but I feel like it is. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4. My procrastination tendencies.

This might be more something that other people dislike more than I do, but trust me, I think I'm awful for sending things in late all the time too. I joke, I do, but I'm always stressed and worried and I never feel satisfied when I have to rush anything, and when it's something like a project there are - inevitably - tears (see above). I also always feel like I'm being a burden, and making people hate me, because I tend to overthink things (see below).

5. My overanalyzation.

So, I do tend to overanalyze things, especially when we're not in person. If someone texts me something that seems like they're bored, or if they subtweet someone and there's the slightest chance it could be about me, I start to wonder if I've annoyed them or done something wrong or if they've just gotten sick of me. I do this in real life too, but not as much - I just don't like it when I do this because it just makes me anxious and tired and stressed out, which I don't need more of.

6. My antisocial tendencies.

I didn't really know how to title this, because I'm not antisocial, per say, I'm just not always comfortable in social situations. Whether that means something like going out with someone and me not being motivated or not being really happy but not wanting to say no, or meeting new people and just sticking by my friends the whole time, or watching my sister get along with everyone she meets and wanting to do that, or avoiding a group chat because it's overwhelming, a lot of times, I just don't feel great in social situations. I love being with my friends, but I'm not great with new people, which is kind of ironic considering that I move all the time and am always around new people. I like having friends over, but I'm afraid I'll bore them or we'll do something we aren't supposed to. I just always feel like I'm a bad friend and not a fun person to be around, especially since my older sister is a very social butterfly and great at making friends and always seems to have a good time around people.

Basically, guys, as much as I love myself, I also hate myself.

Two sides, I guess?