Too Much To Tell - Markimash

Markimash

One thing I'd never told my subscribers about, was my sexuality, I guess I'd mentioned a previous girlfriend in draw my life, but I'd never told them about my personal feelings. My brother and other family members knew about it, but to tell the world was a big thing. Bob and Wade didn't know, I haven't felt ready to tell them, but this secret was becoming such a burden, it was weighing me down. I especially wanted to come out to the person I was infatuated with, but he didn't love me, he loved his girlfriend, he lives 7 and a half hours away from me, and he's completely straight. It hurt, right in the chest when I thought about that, but I couldn't help who I loved.

I sighed and rubbed my hands into my face, it was 7:30 in the morning. I groaned and rolled back into the pillow, I was so tired, I hadn't been sleeping much lately. I'd been seeing a psychiatrist once a month ever since my Dad died years ago, because my depression had never left. I enjoyed my life, making videos, I felt as though people looked up to me, and that made me feel amazing, but in the middle of the night when the lights are out and all you can hear is your own breathing, then you really do feel alone.

I picked up my phone from the side and checked my notifications. I had a text from Aaron. I hesitated before actually opening, because I always felt my stomach churning whenever he talked to me. 

yami : do you wanna have a recording session soon? I wanna collaborate with you x

I hovered my thumbs for a while before typing a reply,

me : yeah sure, I'm free whenever you want to record x

I thought I may as well record a different video so I got up, got dressed and started up my computer. When I'd opened everything up, I had a look at game requests. I ended up playing a short one for about 20 minutes, and then I had a shower. I didn't know what Aaron wanted to record but I guessed it would be something like gmod, or some other indie horror game. Me and Aaron always joked about Markimash, but Aaron didn't know that I really did love him, and I guess it kinda hurt.

After about an hour of me browsing the internet, Aaron called me on skype. "Hey!" I said as I answered, and Aaron waved."What did you wanna record?" I asked. "Urm I found a mod on steam and I wondered if you wanted to play it?", "Yeah sure what game is it for?", "oh it's for gmod". I guessed it would be, which was fine, I enjoyed them. "Okay, do you want to host?" I asked and Aaron shrugged and agreed. "Yeah sure, the mod's called dark souls". I searched for the mod and started the download while chatting to Aaron. We talked about events next year, in the UK and the US.

Aaron was coming to PAX, so I could get a ticket too, and I was gonna go to Eurogamer so we could meet up their too. We recorded for about half an hour and then said goodbye to eachother. PAX was about a month away, and my stomach was backflipping thinking about meeting Aaron. What would he think of me? Would he hate me? Would he think I was weird?

I pushed all my worries aside, even though I couldn't stop thinking about Aaron. I had to go to my therapist in 2 hours, and I had a lot to tell him. For a while now I've been thinking about coming out to my therapist, and telling him how this Aaron thing is getting me down. I knew it would be good for me to tell him, but I knew it would be hard. I found it difficult to open up to people, it was hard for me.

When I arrived at Dan's (my therapist) he welcomed me in and I went up to his room where he talked to patients. "So Mark how have things been over the past few weeks?" "Not too bad" I replied, "Why not good?" He said, "Well I haven't been sleeping much" I said. I didn't want to tell Dan about my sexuality yet, it was too much and I felt too nervous. "Why don't you think you're sleeping much?" Dan asked, "I just worry a lot, and I feel alone at night, there's no one in my house with me, and I guess part of it is that I feel like I have no one to talk to other than you." wow I really opened up there. I sighed and looked at the floor, I didn't really want to say that. 

After talking about that for around half an hour, I was feeling uncomfortable, and I couldn't look Dan in the eye. "There's something else isn't there?" Dan asked and I didn't answer, I knew I had to come out. "Well, the thing is-" I broke off, and took a deep breath, Dan was staring at me. "I have feelings for guys as well as feelings for girls" I blurted it out and I wanted to start crying, there was a lump at the back of my throat. "I'm really happy you could come out and say that, because I know how much it took for you to say that. Is that one of your worries that keeps you up at night?" I sighed, "yeah". "Is there someone you love?" Dan asked, "Yeah, I don't know what to do". Why was I opening up so much? I only meant to come out.

We talked about Aaron, but we just said "the guy" because I didn't want to tell Dan his name. "Listen Mark I don't know how much you see this guy, or whether he even knows you exist, but I can only suggest that you meet up with him and try and change your feelings while you're around him. Your feelings can only develop or fade away if you spend time with him, and not seeing him at all will just keep your feelings the same." I thought about what Dan said for a long time, and I kept thinking about it while I drove home, and I decided, the best thing to do, was to see Aaron as much as possible.

~ A/N ~
this is the first chapter and I hope to upload every Saturday but I'm doing loads of exams at the moment so it might be kinda hard for me to find time to write, thanks for reading!:-)