Too Much To Tell - Markimash

Chapter 6

Bob stayed over that night because he didn't want to leave me on my own after things that had happened in the past when I'd felt like that. We woke up around 11, and we were talking about visiting the UK. "I think I might go for a holiday there, and spend some time with Aaron" I said. "How long would you go for?" Bob asked, "maybe like 3 or 4 weeks?" I replied, "I don't know though, how would I get videos done?" "Well you could always make them at Aaron's" Bob suggested and I shrugged, "yeah maybe, do you think Aaron would let me stay at his?" I asked, even though Bob probably had no idea, "urm you'd have to ask him" Bob said. I nodded and pulled myself out of bed. I had slept on my bed, and Bob had slept on the couch in the corner of my room.

"Do you think I should tell Wade I like Aaron?" I asked Bob as I made coffee for both of us. We were both in the kitchen at this point and we were eating waffles. "It's up to you, if you get upset over him and I'm not there then it might be a good idea to have someone to lean on" He suggested. "Yeah, I probably should. When do you think I should visit the UK then?", "maybe in a couple of months when you go to eurogamer." Bob suggested. I thought that was a fairly good idea.

When Bob had gone home, I spent the rest of the day feeling quite down, and I felt myself feeling more and more depressed. I was annoyed at myself for loving Aaron, it was stupid, he didn't even live anywhere near me. I shook my head and opened up my browser. I knew I had to record a video today so I went on twitter and looked through game requests. I played a couple for about an hour in total, and then I sat on my chair, and I felt really alone.

The past couple of days had been really hard for me, I had been tired, and I felt vunerable, because I felt like I'd revealed too much. I often wondered whether I'd find someone other than Aaron but I'd loved him for so long it seemed wrong to picture myself with anyone else. I rubbed my hands into my eyes and dragged my fingers through my hair. I wanted to phone Aaron and tell him I loved him but I knew I would have to wait until I was face to face with him, no matter how much it would hurt.

I also needed to ask him whether it would be okay if I could stay with him when I came to the UK, I'm sure he'd be fine with it but I had to check. I was going in a couple of months so I would have to book and flight and decide how long I would stay for. Part of me didn't want to stay with him because he would be all over Jess, but it really would be too expensive to stay anywhere else, and I wanted to bond with him.

I phoned him later that day after I'd recorded some videos. "Hey Aaron I need to ask a favour" I said, "what can I do?" he asked. "Well I'm thinking of staying in the UK for about 3 weeks," I paused, "and I need somewhere to stay-" Aaron cut me off, "Mark of course you can stay with me I'd love that!" He exclaimed. "Really? Do I need to pay anything?" I asked politely, "Don't be silly" Aaron shrugged it off. We talked for a little longer about when I would arrive and I told him I would fly over on the 18th of september, and leave for home on the 8th of october.

Aaron said that was okay but I didn't know what the flight times would be yet, I would book them later but I wanted to wait a couple of hours. I did have a look at flights though, and most got to England early in the morning, which wasn't what I wanted really. I would have to deal with it though, I sighed. I thought I should probably tell Wade, I probably wouldn't tell him I liked Aaron, because the past few weeks had been a rollercoaster to say the least.

It was still sinking in that I had only just met Aaron for the first time, and I would be spending 3 whole weeks with him soon. I knew at some point I would have to get over Aaron, I knew it would be painful and it would always leave a scar, but he loved Jess, not me. It was hard to explain the sadness in my heart, but somethings aren't meant to be.

Aaron texted me in the evening about flights, and I had booked them. I told him I would arrive in England at about 3:30am, and so Aaron would meet me at the airport in his car. We would probably catch up on sleep for most of that day but it didn't matter. I didn't know how Jess would react, but I knew she was a big fan and Aaron always said she fangirled over me. That made me laugh a little, I always thought it was weird how people fangirled over me.

The next day I was seeing Dan again, so when I went we talked about me visiting Aaron soon. I also said about how I was opening up to people more, and Dan said that was good; it meant I was trusting people, which was a good sign. I longed for the day when I didn't have to see a therapist anymore, but whenever I went on breaks, things would always get worse again, I felt like I needed that support.

I also talked to Dan about how my feelings weren't going away, and he said I shouldn't dwell on it too much, but Aaron was all I thought about, how could I not dwell on it? Every time I thought about Aaron I shook my head. "Why did you have to love him Mark, why?" I muttered bitterly to myself. I stared at my phone for a while, reading through tweets and smiling at how much my life had changed since youtube. It was crazy, and now I loved a guy who I'd met through it. I couldn't help but smile, youtube had saved my life, I probably wouldn't be here without it. All the dark times in my life had caused scars but support from fans healed those scars.

*** 2 weeks to go ***

I was seeing Dan again today, because I wouldn't see him again for 2 months. I told him I was going to the UK for 3 weeks, "I'm visiting the UK for 3 weeks and I'm staying at Aaron's" I said. "That's good, do you still have feelings for him?" Dan asked, "yeah," I admitted, "but I think I'll be okay staying with him and his girlfriend" I said. "So he has a girlfriend?", "yeah" I sighed heavily. "How do you feel about that?" He asked. "I hate it, but I want Aaron to be happy, no matter what."

We talked for the whole hour, and I knew that it was sorta risky staying with Aaron because we could argue or I could let something slip. I was scared, I'll admit that, I really really loved him, and I would do anything in the world to make him love me.