Too Much To Tell - Markimash

Chapter 13

Mark's point of view

For the first few days at home, I just cried. I felt incapable of doing anything, I physically and emotionally felt drained. I would just lie in my bed, ignore all my messages and calls, all I wanted was to sleep and never wake up. I rarely got up for drinks, and at most I ate a sandwich over the whole 3 days, which I then threw up, because my body was rejecting food. My body was failing, and these were all the symptoms I had suffered when I had severe depression.

I could feel myself slipping back to my old ways. It had been a week since my return, Bob insisted on coming to my house to see me today, he messaged me saying he would come, but I had told him to fuck off, I felt too distraught to even think straight. In the week that had passed I hadn't uploaded any videos, I hadn't tweeted, I hadn't spoken to anyone other than texting Bob, and I'd lost at least a stone. I heard a knock at the door. I reluctantly wrenched myself from my bed, and padded wearily to the front door downstairs.

"Oh my god Mark you need serious help!" was the first thing Bob said, I turned away and walked back up stairs into bed, where I pulled the cover over me and rolled over. He came up and stood in front of me, "get up Mark, you're seriously ill" he sounded worried, "I don't care anymore Bob, he never wants to see me again, what's the point in living?" I groaned. I knew Bob was right, I was ill, I had been fasting, I hadn't opened the curtains once, and people on the internet wouldn't stop worrying. I gently pulled the covers back and sat on my bed, "can you upload a video for me?" I asked, "try and do it yourself" he smiled.

I went over to the computer and uploaded the video, and I tweeted saying I had been very ill so couldn't upload. I knew Aaron followed me and would want to sort things out after I hadn't uploaded. I stared at the desk, my Mark doll was still there, I went over and hugged it, all my sorrow returned and I just held the doll for support. "Mark you look terrible, you've lost so much weight, I'm really worried about you, I don't want to leave you" He said, "can I stay with you instead? My house reminds me too much of Aaron" I sighed, "Yeah sure, but you will eat, and then you have to promise me you'll take your medication now, after all these years of not taking it" He looked at me, I felt like a puppy that's been bad and was being told off. "Okay" I muttered, I knew Bob was trying to help but I felt aggravated.

At Bob's I felt a little better, the fact that someone cared enough to help me through recovery was all I needed, even though I wanted that person to be Aaron. Aaron. I cringed at his name, almost like I felt physical pain when I thought of him. I suddenly felt a rush of sadness, and my voice began to crack. "Bob I can't do this much more" I whispered, "Don't say that Mark" Bob said to me. "But Aaron doesn't care about me, I love him so much Bob, from the moment we became friends I knew he was the one" I argued back, "you need to sort this out with Aaron" Bob said, "I can't! He doesn't give a shit about me!" I shouted. "You have no idea do you?" Bob asked.

I turned to face him, "what?" I asked, "Aaron has been phoning me everyday asking how you are, saying he wants to speak to you, he asks every single day because he's worried about you, he knows he's hurt you and feels terrible, please sort things out, neither of you deserve this pain." He said, I knew he was right, "I'm sorry" I whispered, "but how should we go about me talking to him, I don't know if I'm ready to talk to him." I admitted. "Well, we'll wait until you're ready, and then when you're happy to phone or skype him we will, but don't put it off for too long." he smiled.

He still cared about me, he wasn't angry, "So he still wants to be friends?" I mutter in disbelief, "yes Mark, you're his best friend." Bob said, and that was when my recovery really started. Over the 2 weeks that passed, I began to eat normally again, I took my medication, and Bob finally trusted me to go back home. Life began to get good again; I felt there was some hope of him loving me, I didn't talk to him though, I was too scared, I didn't want to, I knew seeing his face, or hearing his voice, would snap me in two. I sighed and shook my head, remembering the lovable things about him made things hurt again. Maybe life wasn't getting better afterall.

I was actually returning to the UK in less than a month for London Comic Con, I was going alone, but I wasn't staying at Aaron's, I couldn't, it would break me. I was staying at a hotel near to Earls Court for the weekend, I would probably see Aaron there, it would be uncomfortable, but I would be there to meet fans. I was back to a normal uploading schedule, and I was recording extra videos so I could get Bob to upload them when I was away. I thought for the moment me and Aaron were friends, we hadn't talked as such, but we had been retweeting eachother, almost like there was an invisible wall breaking us apart.

Then I remembered Aaron had something to tell me, "shit" I muttered, then grabbed my phone, he probably felt betrayed that I hadn't phoned or texted him after he wanted to tell me something, I debated whether to phone him or not, did I really want to hear his voice, hear him talk to me? I shook my head, no, I couldn't face that, even thinking about him made me feel funny, I still loved him like before, I still got the sharp pains in my chest when I remembered he could never care about me like he cared about Jess. I chose to just text him, to avoid anything awkward.

me : hey yami sorry I haven't spoken to you before but what did you want to tell me?x

I didn't have to wait long for a reply,

yami : do you mind if we talk over the phone?x

Do I agree? Do I listen to his voice and risk a breakdown? I sighed and agreed,

me : I'll just phone you x

He picked up and I heard him, my heart fluttered, "hey Aaron" I said, "listen Mark, about the party-" "no please don't talk about what happened" I interrupted, feeling ashamed of all that had happened. "But mark, me and Jess broke up, we're not right together, I thought you of all people should know." He muttered down the phone, "but why Aaron? What happened?" I asked in shock, "we decided we weren't in love, and I wanted to tell you, because," he paused for a moment, I didn't breathe, I felt constricted, "because you're my best friend and I love you".

I couldn't breathe, he must have meant that in a friend way, I wanted to cry, I wanted to freeze that moment in time, I almost choked out a sob but I remembered that I was still on the phone, I didn't have much else to say to him, but that night, I didn't sleep, because all that went through my mind that night, was he said he loved me, did he mean it? Was there still a chance that somewhere deep down he did loved me?