Too Much To Tell - Markimash

Chapter 5

A couple of days later I went to see Dan again, and this time I felt a little happier about Aaron, even though I really missed him. I spoke to Dan about how my feelings were developing, and no matter what I tried to do he wouldn't leave my head. Dan advised me meeting up with him more and more, because even if he didn't love me, I would still be happier around him. I still hadn't told Aaron I was gay, because I had been putting off through feeling nervous. I hated talking about relationships but I knew I would have to talk about them if I wanted to come out.

I also knew I would have to come out to my subscribers, and I would have to do a video telling them. I didn't think that would be fun, but it wouldn't be fair to lie to them. I let out a heavy sigh, this was the kind of pressure I felt under when I was coming out to my family. I texted Aaron to see if he was free,

me: hey you free? I need to tell you something over skype x

I felt anxious wating for a reply, and twiddled my thumbs while making sure my contact on skype was online. I started to feel all squishy inside when Aaron texted back,

yami: yeah sure, I'll call you in a second x

I felt a little sick and I sat down, my palms were clamming up. I shook my head and tried to keep myself calm. I knew it would be alright, I just had to remember to stay relaxed, Aaron would still be friends with me no matter what. Suddenly I heard the Skype calling noise and I took a few deep breaths before I answered,

"Hey Mark!" Aaron almost shouted and I smiled, "how are ya?" I asked, and after a couple of minutes of small talk Aaron asked me what I wanted to tell him. This was huge for me; I was telling the man I had fallen in love with something which could change everything. "Mark are you okay?" Aaron asked carefully. "Uhh Aaron I don't want you to hate me when I tell you this," I paused and composed myself, "and well, I have feelings for guys." I said, I don't know if I felt relief or anxiety, "Mark why would I hate you? If anything it makes you even more loveable" he laughed. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, "thanks" I said gratefully. "so Mark, anyone that you like?" he teased, and was wiggling his eyebrows. I laughed nervously, "hey go away" I said almost jokingly. "You know I'm only kidding" Aaron said and I smiled, "yeah I know".

I felt like I had been stabbed when he joked about who I liked. I know it was silly but Aaron broke my heart, it was an awful feeling. At some point it would come out that I loved Aaron, but not yet, it couldn't happen yet. Later I did a video about me being gay, and I had to do a few takes because I felt so embarrassed. When I did finally post it the support was incredible, and people like captain sparklez talked to me for a bit. I felt kinda happy that people accepted me, but at the same time I couldn't help feeling things between me and Aaron would turn bad if he ever found out that I liked him.

I knew it would help if I told Wade or Bob that I liked Aaron, so over the next couple of days I psyched myself up and called Bob on his mobile. I felt way more nervous telling people about liking Aaron than just telling them I was gay, this was personal feelings. I ran my fingers through my hair a couple of times and waited for Bob to answer, "Mark! How are things?" He greeted, "yeah yeah good" I replied, "I need to tell you something" I said. "Sure what is it? I'm here for you anytime Bob said, "Well, it's been kinda hard to come out with this, but I needed to tell someone because I need advice" I avoided telling him and cursed myself. "Right" Bob replied, "Bob" I sighed, "I think I'm in love with someone, and I need your help."

I let out a large breath and sat on my bed, I felt a little faint but I was okay. "what can I do to help?" Bob asked, I trusted Bob a lot. Despite that I still felt really uncomfortable, I felt my eyes welling up, and a couple of tears fell down my face. I was shaking "Bob, I love Aaron" and then the tears wouldn't stop falling. My voice went shaky when I had said that, I felt pathetic. "Mark are you crying?" Bob asked and I didn't reply, "Are you okay?" I heard him say but I could only shake my head, I felt awful. "Mark I'm gonna come over don't go anywhere" and then he hung up. 

I rolled back on my bed, dropped the phone to the floor and sobbed. It had been a long time since I'd broken down, I pulled my hands up to my face and rubbed my eyes. I was almost choking, my whole body was shaking, I felt so low, I wanted to die. It felt like how I was 5 years ago, when I was suicidal. Bob knocked on my door about 15 minutes later, "It's open!" I shouted and sat up. I had stopped sobbing and calmed down. I heard Bob come in and come up the stairs. He opened the door.

My hair was a mess, my eyes were red, and I felt terrible. "Hey what's up?" Bob said as he came over to me and sat on the bed next to me. I just shook my head and stared at the floor. Bob put his arm around me and hugged me. "I wish he loved me" I whispered and started crying again. I leant into Bob and he held me, "Mark, how do you know Aaron doesn't love you? Have you ever asked him?" "Well no but he has a girlfriend." I said. "You shouldn't lose hope Mark, if he's meant to be with you, it will happen." Bob said, "But what if we're not meant to be together?" I asked, "Then you'll eventually fall in love with the right person" He said and I cheered up a little and pulled myself away from him. "Thanks" I replied and then we ordered a pizza, because food makes everything better.