When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 10: Yale

A few days later, I was laying in my bed with my note-cards for Yale. I was scrambling. My sickness had really set me back as far as being prepared and my interview was in two days. I went over the questions over and over again.

Interviewer in my brain: How do you define success?

Me: Success, to me, is working hard towards a particular goal and being satisfied with the outcome.
I felt the wheezing start back up in my lungs.

Press on.

Interviewer in my brain: Who has influenced you the most in your life?
Wheeze. Wheeze. Wheeze. Deep breath. Pain. Real pain. It hurts.

Press on.

Me: My older brother has influenced me the most in my life. He has shown me that you can go through very difficult personal trials and still press to be a better person and fulfill your goals.

Wheeze. Wheeze. Wheeze. Coughing. More coughing. Coughing again. Can't stop coughing.

Press on.

Interviewer in my brain: Are you okay?

Me: I think okay is subjective... who really is okay? Are you okay? Are any of us okay? Coughing. More coughing.

Press on.

Interviewer in my Brain: What is your biggest fear?

Me: Coughing. Coughing. Coughing. Blood. More blood. Blood in my mouth. Blood in my teeth.

Interviewer in my Brain: I think that's enough for today. Thank you for your time... we'll be in contact.

I grabbed my chest in pain.
My note-cards fell all over the floor. I looked around. Nobody was here. My mom was in the cafeteria getting her dinner. There was blood on my shirt and in my hand from covering my mouth. I reached over for a sip of water and rinsed the taste of copper out of my mouth. I put one foot out of the bed and swung my body around. I landed hard on my feet. My body ached. I held the bed with a hand to steady myself. My note-cards scattered the floor, under the bed, under the cot, beside the nightstand, under the couch...

I started hobbling over towards the cards, careful not to pull my IV and alert the nurses. This was my first time standing at all in days. I wasn't about to get locked down. I picked up two beside the nightstand and three under the bed. I grabbed one off the cot. My brain alerted me to something rather critical.

Brain: alert! alert! Energy reserves dangerously low!
Me: just a few more cards... Then I'll lay down, I swear.
I gasped for air. Just a few more cards. I bent down again. I was close to hyperventilating and lightheaded. I clutched the cards in my hand, holding onto the bed tightly. I gasped. Then she was there.
"Leo!" My mom screamed from the doorway. I dropped all of my cards I'd picked up from being startled. She ran over to me. I was shaking my head.
"No it's okay. I'm okay." I pinched around my nose, pressing into my eyes trying to qualm my aching head.
She grabbed me then, trying to force me to sit down.
"Don't touch me, I can do it! I can do it! I have to do this interview!" I snapped. "I'm not ready!" My voice was cracking.
Brain: alert: you're dangerously close to crying in front of your mother!
I took a deep breath and reached down again for another card, I let go of the bed and stumbled forward, almost falling. I stood back up, weakly. I swayed as I stood, unable to hold my position. I reached over for another card.
She sighed, "Leo, stop. Son." She was exasperated and frustrated. She grabbed my arms as I stood there, swaying.
"I have to do this! I'm not ready!" I shouted.
She kept struggling with me. Then, I dropped the cards I'd collected, again. I clenched my fist and teeth.
"God DAMN it!" I screeched. And then the tears. Oh, there were tears. I leaned over to grab one and that's when I fell forward, landing on my knees. I hit my head on the corner of the bed's mechanic box.
"Leo!" My mom exclaimed, she got down on her knees beside me.
"I hate myself. I hate this. I hate this." I said over and over. The tears invaded my mouth, they burned my eyes. They fell off my cheeks onto the floor. "One thing... I just wanted to do one thing."
She grabbed my face with both hands and made me look at her.
"I know, Leo."
She cried, too, small tears, running down her cheeks slowly. I wondered if she was saving them up. I wondered if the dam would burst when I died.
She sighed, wrapping her arms around me in an all-encompassing embrace. She was radiating with warmth and her love was palpable. And so the tears flowed even harder, even faster down my cheeks.
"Let's get you back in bed."