When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 38: Safety

Other highlights of the party included my brothers and I playing a song for the crowd. We wrote it together a while back, but we'd never played it in public. It was magical, and I'd even go so far to say emotionally healing. I was truly happy, which was rare these days. After the song, I was exhausted. It was almost midnight, everything came to a head and I had nothing left in me to give. All the moving parts of the party left me spinning. I needed the earth to stop moving for just a moment. I'd feel better.
I found a seat at the table I'd been sitting at with my family. I laid my head on my arm and rested on the table.
I was emotionally and physically overwhelmed.
I felt a hand moving up and down my back.
"Leo, you alright?" I pulled my head up. It was my dad.
He wore a look of concern I didn't see often. The party was still moving while I sat still. Everyone moved around me in celebration, talking to one another, dancing to the music playing over the loudspeakers.
"I'm tired," I said, barely loud enough for him to hear.
He cocked his head to the side.
"Would you like to come get some fresh air?"
I looked around. My mom was dancing with Reid, Myra was laughing with Aaron and friends from school. Sam was with his buddies. Everyone was good.
I nodded.
He led the way out through the ballroom.
Outside, I noticed we weren't at home, we were in Boulder. They'd booked a hotel ballroom at a fancy hotel. It took me by surprise. My chest ached for air. I tried to slow down.
He turned on his heels, leaning up against the wall outside of the entrance, the busy downtown streets bustling with cars, people going on about their lives.
I couldn't believe they'd done all this. With what money? With money we didn't have. With time my mom didn't have. Why?
I sucked in a breath, my lungs ached.
We sat in silence for a few minutes until I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"Why'd you guys do all this?" I blurted.
He looked surprised.
"You didn't have fun?" He accused.
"I did! I mean... Not that I didn't like it, but... Why for me?"
He looked out in front of him, across the street, or at nothing in particular.
"We wanted to see you happy, son," he sighed.
I matched his gaze while he paused in thought. I was sure there was more, and I wasn't wrong.
"You know, Leo, your mother and I... We try really hard to give you kids good lives. We want you all to be happy, really," he laughed to himself.
"I guess there's nothing we can do that will really overpower the other things you must be feeling. With Sam, we can... Buy him a new drum kit, or we can take Hattie bowling, that's all they need to be happy. It's different with you," he paused. I wasn't sure if he was waiting on a response or not. I kept quiet.
He looked up at me.
"I'm sorry this has happened to you, Leo. It's our worst nightmare," he breathed out. My dad was opening up to me?
"It's okay, there's nothing you could have done," I shrugged and winced at a pain shooting through my chest. They were increasingly pronounced.
"I'm your father, Leo. You may not like me at times, you may feel like we live on two different planets, hell, sometimes I feel like I raised someone else's kid. I know we have nothing in common. I know I've failed you in a lot of ways. I hope, though, that you always remember I tried my best to protect you. You never went without. You always had what you needed. You always got things you wanted. I protected you from all outside harm. We moved to the best schools, we hired the best tutors, we never let you walk to soccer practice. We always made sure you were taken care of. I always made sure you were safe, before anything else. No matter what. And little did I know, the one thing I couldn't protect you from wasn't out there," he held his arms out and gestured at everything, "it's in you. And I can't stop it. I can't help you. I can't fix it." He sounded angry, the frustration spilling out of his mouth.
"When you got so down a few years ago, I couldn't stop that. When May cheated on you, I couldn't stop you from being sad. And now... This... Disease," he shook his head in anger. "I have to watch your pain, and most of the time I feel like it will just end me," he closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Leo. For all the ways I've failed you. I know I haven't been the best father to you. I wanted to tell you all this... Before..." He stopped and looked at me. I knew what he meant, even though he didn't want to say it out loud. We were all scared of saying it out loud because we didn't want to believe it.
"Okay, dad. It's okay," I said finally.
"Really, I forgive you. I'm sorry too, for being a shitty son. It's not all you," I said.
He nodded. He ran a hand over his cheek.
The pain in my chest was getting more constant throughout the conversation. I was starting to get nervous but didn't want to hint at anything to him.
"Happy birthday, bud," he said. He patted my upper back.
"Thank you dad," I winced.
There was a sharp, shooting pain in my lung. And suddenly my world was hazy and blurry.
"Leo? Son? Someone! Call an ambulance! Jackie!"
The ground rose to meet me.

And then everything was black.