When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 47: Let's Pretend

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you had good times with your family. I'm getting this chapter up a little late because of them, but it's extra long this week, so I hope you enjoy that little treat. Thank you for reading, please comment and vote if you feel so inclined. :)

Still trying to maintain my (albeit false) sense of independence, every day I'd get up out of my Death Bed and walk up the street. At another point in my life I'd have run up and down the street for a while. This was my new normal.

I'd make sure I woke up before everyone, because if my mom or dad saw me leave, they'd force me to stay. I'd slide on some shorts and lace up my shoes, which usually hurt my lungs. I'd press the buttons to turn off the alarm and try to cough over the sound of the beeping so I'd not wake my family. I'd slowly and silently open the door and pull it closed behind me. I walked up the street, to the right first. Down the hill. And then left, back up. Left wore me out, that's why I saved it for last. If I did well, I was done by 7:30 am. My mom's alarm went off at 8. Then, she'd wake up and give me a hefty dose of medicines that would keep me in bed for the day.

I was tired of feeling out of it. I was tired of being so tired all the time. I was tired of being sick.

My family was getting excited about their trip to Europe. It was clear now that I wouldn't be able to go, but I still wanted them to. My mom was the most hesitant, but after much convincing that we all needed a break, she resigned to go. She was originally going to hire someone to sit at home with me all day every day for the time they were away, which would have been mortifying. Instead I'd struck up an agreement by volunteering Myra to stay with me.
She'd pursed her lips and looked skeptical, so I stuck out my bottom lip and she caved.
"Fine, but you two better be on your best behavior, I mean it, God will be watching you," she said, cutting her eyes. She was only half serious.
And so they'd packed up everything and headed out to the cab. My mom pulled me into a tight hug, letting her suitcase come to a stop beside us.
Between us, my chest rattled. She felt it in her chest and pulled away from me, closing her eyes in a melancholy pause.
"I love you, boy. Please take care of yourself. Call me often so I won't worry... I won't enjoy any of this if I don't know you're okay."
I nodded.
Sam was next in line, he slapped my back in a swift bro movement and said,
"Don't, like, uh... die, okay?"
I laughed.
"I'll try my best."
Myra stood beside me in the living room after they left, pulling down the street to the airport, the house feeling a million times bigger and so empty.
"You okay?" She whispered tenderly.
"I just hope they have a good break." I said, truthfully. I worked my way over to the couch and sat back, a movement which sent me into a coughing fit. It was a nasty one, tears welling up in my eyes as I gasped through coughs.
The cough finally subsided but I was exhausted. I laid back and closed my eyes.
"I wish I could take a vacation from me," I said, a bit flatter than I anticipated. My words felt full of frustration and exasperation.
Myra came to sit beside me.
"Sorry, Leo."
I changed the subject.
"The Mountain Men are playing a show tonight, d'you wanna go?"
She smiled, "of course!"
I reached in my pocket and pulled out the tickets I'd bought right before prom.
"Well good," I said, handing her the tickets. Her eyes fluttered for a second before she shouted.
"Oh my God, Leo, these are general admission!" I nodded.
I shrugged, "Well, you didn't think we'd just sit here this whole time did you?"

I held up my wrist, checking my watch. "It's four now, we have about three hours, but probably should leave before then."

"I'm going to take a shower in your mom's bathroom. You should take one too," she said, her hand sweeping over my forehead. My hair had grown out a lot by now, and it was darker than before. It was in a greasy mop on my forehead. I nodded.

Showering was hell. I don't think any of them truly understood just how much that simple act took it out of me.It was as though I'd fought some sort of epic battle just in order to start my day. The steam dizzied me, sitting on my old man stool. I let the water wash over my body and I looked down, scars from various surgeries, a port in my chest, my hip bones visible. This body was alien to me now. I didn't look like myself. My legs were scrawny, no muscle left from years of soccer. My skin was pale from months of resting indoors. I ran a hand over my scars, my thin torso, ribs starting to peek through. Why would Myra be attracted to this?