When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 25: Rejection

It crept in slowly at first. So slowly that I almost didn't recognize what it was at first. It started with a feeling of anxiety, I was worried about death. I worried about how I'd die. When I'd die. Where I'd die. I stayed up all night until early morning so I could sleep where someone would check on me. Before I knew it, I was back in sophomore year, baby. That depression was intensified by a million percent and I was struggling to stay afloat. Things have a funny way of coming full circle, don't they?
My family was rallying around me. I knew they were trying but the results hadn't been easy on them either, none of this had been. I heard my mom from my bedroom, she'd say everyone down that evening and said,
"Guys, your brother is very sick. The doctors tried, there's just... Not much they can do..." And then the tears. It was like I could hear them hitting her cheeks. My head was pounding at the sound of my mom's heart breaking. I could hear everything, I heard my dad say, "oh, Jackie... It's okay. Jackie, it's okay." And I heard Sam ask,
"So is Leo going back to the hospital or staying here?"
And my dad took over the meeting by replying with, "our job is to keep him comfortable. He will go wherever he is comfortable."
What a canned answer, I thought.
And then I heard Aaron, an edge of anger in his voice, "That's it? There's nothing else they can do? He's sick!" And my dad said, "I know." And I imagine my mom shook her head.
And then I heard Lara soothing him, telling him to calm down and relax in a sweet voice, the same one she used for Little Leo.
And then... I heard her.
"You mean, Leo's gonna die?" And I heard my mom suck in a deep breath, like she got hit in the stomach, and I did too, and a painful lump formed in my throat.
Lie, lie to her. Don't tell her the truth. Please.
Lara took over then, "Leo's very sick, Hattie, so we're not sure what will happen just yet. Our job is to make sure he isn't in a lot of pain right now, okay? And so we'll see how he does." And Hattie said that was okay. The rest of the family was silent. I stared up at the star stickers on my ceiling, and I wanted to float up and pas them. I wanted to disappear.
You know, a shooting star isn't mourned. Not really. You see one, and you feel lucky enough to have seen it. You stare up at it in wonder and awe and excitement. You wish on it and then as soon as it appeared, it's gone. It fades away, and you don't get sad that it left, but you're happy you got to see it, to take it all in.
I wished that I was a star and my family didn't have to watch me fade out. The way a person fades out is a lot different than the way a star does. A star is quick and beautiful and painless. What was happening to me, what I felt happening to me was happening slowly, and it started with pains in my joints and bruises from being touched, and stomach aches, and I knew it would turn into a struggle for lucidity and for nutrients, and for oxygen. That's how a human fades out. I hoped that watching the fade didn't take away from the show, from the life I lived.
But, I mean, maybe this was the show we were all waiting on. My life had not been something to watch. It was boring. This was easily the most exciting thing that has ever happened to me. It made the previously most difficult thing, May, seem like nothing at all. The end was the climactic part of my story. That's not how it's supposed to go at all.

That night, I laid across my bed. I was waking up from a long nap and was now restless. I was trying to work up the strength to get up and go downstairs when Myra walked in.
"Leo, come on," she said. There was no hesitation, she reached for my arms and helped me up. I was confused but not arguing. I was wearing sweatpants and a Grateful Dead t-shirt, I guess I didn't look terrible. I didn't know where we were headed. I staggered downstairs, Myra supporting me on one side and holding the rail with the other hand. My mom looked up from her book and furrowed her brow.
"Where are you guys headed?"
I was about to answer that I didn't know, but Myra interrupted,
"We just need to talk for a few minutes... We won't go very far." My mom smiled then, nodding, "Grab your coat, Leo."

Myra helped me get ready and pulled out my wheelchair. She pushed me out the door and all the way up the hill.
We got to the park after much struggle going up. She pushed and parked me in our spot, on top of the hill looking out over the valley. This spot, where I told them I first kissed May. Where Reid told us he failed chemistry. Where Myra told us that her dad left, and then a year later, where she told us he came back.
Myra sat still for a long while, she took a deep breath as we sat in silence and watched the grass blow in the valley below. I was focusing on the pain creeping up my spine when she blurted out,
"I didn't get in."
I turned my head to look at her, not understanding.
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?"

"I didn't get in, Leo. I didn't get into Brown, or Berkley, or Columbia, I didn't get in anywhere," she said. She didn't look up at me. She had her knees pulled up to her chest and she rested her chin on them, covering her face with her hands.

I was in disbelief.
"Myra, that makes no sense... You got pretty much the same scores as me, right?" I was thinking about the SAT, had I done as well as I thought I did? I swore Myra got only 40 points lower.
She looked out at the field, then shook her head and then looked down.
"I don't know, I just didn't get in."
I realized then that she hadn't just not gotten into her school of choice, she hadn't gotten into any of her schools. She didn't get into a single one she applied to. It didn't make any sense to me, but I didn't want to push it. I knew she was hurt.
"Well, what are you gonna do, Myra?" I asked finally.
She shrugged and then pushed her bangs out of her eyes. She looked up at me and said, "I'm going to stay here with you... I'm going to do some more volunteering and work on building up my application. I'll try again next year, I guess," she smiled softly.

I shook my head, "Myra, I'm so sorry... I don't know what to say."
She stood up then, walking behind me and wrapping her arms around my chest. She kissed my cheek.
She said nothing, and she pulled me back, turning me around and pushed me back up the street.