When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 11: Laughing Again

A few days passed since my Yale debacle. I received no phone call from them, and honestly, I didn't even ever want to talk to them again. Each breath I drew in rattled in my chest. They pumped me full of medicine. All kinds of medicine, steroids, tylenol, decongestant, anti-nausea, something to make my heart rate steady, something to help me relax, something to prevent me from getting an infection, the list went on and on. I was doped up and slept most of the day.

My team of doctors held a meeting one morning, and they invited me and my mom to it as usual. I sat begrudgingly in my wheelchair, my mom sat beside me. We were at a long conference table in a meeting room on another floor of the hospital. There were all kinds of doctors in attendance. My lung specialist, Dr. Keivers, my oncology team, Dr. Smith and Wright, my two nurses, Angela and Dottie, a child life specialist, Mrs. Odum, a radiologist, a surgeon, and Dr. Ballard were all there.

My oncology team started the meeting.

Dr. Alan spoke up first, "Leo... we'd like to address your cancer with you for a moment. Is that okay?" He said, carefully.

I nodded.

"Well, Leo... as you know, we have been doing scans and drawing blood and running tests. Your most recent scan from..." he looked at his notes, "last week... There's growth on your stomach that we're worried that it is growing too quickly to counteract in the ways we normally go about counteraction. Every case plan is different... each treatment is different because each cancer is different." He measured his words very carefully, but I knew what he was saying. I already knew I could die. He didn't have to say it, and that's good, because he certainly didn't want to. I nodded at him.

"Okay," was all I could say.

They started talking about me, not to me. They bounced back and forth.

"Well, his tumor growth is dangerous... it's spreading. We need to be able to stop it before it spreads too much." The radiologist was making her case for even more aggressive treatment.

"Do you see him? I mean, look at the boy! He can't even eat as it is..." Angela said, gesturing towards me. My eyes darted around the room from person to person as they argued. I was too weak, too tired to say anything.

"Leo certainly has had a very aggressive course of treatment. I think it might be time to try surgery. It is risky, but I'm not sure we can wait on more shrinkage that may never even happen..." the surgeon said.

My mom reached over and placed her hand over my cold hands, and smiled warmly. She winked.

Then, the child life specialist whispered something into the ear of Dr. Ballard, who looked at first surprised, then nodded.

The child life specialist cleared her throat, interrupting the argument.

"Hi, Leo. I'm Lisa. I'm a child life specialist here. I'm in charge of helping you understand your disease and making your stay as easy as I can. I have a question for you, and I hope that you don't mind me asking it, but it is important."

I looked at my mom and then back at Lisa.

"Leo, would... you like to continue your treatment?"

Her suggestion hit me right in the chest. It was the first time anyone had even asked me that. It was the first time someone else brought up the idea of me forfeiting. My mom looked stunned.

"Uh... I... Yeah... of course." I stammered. Was I going to die, really? Was it obvious? I couldn't say no in front of my mom, there was no way. I wanted to live. I wasn't ready to die. There was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to see things. I wanted to go to school. I wanted to move away. I had a whole life planned out and she was suggesting that my plans were not only interrupted, but... over?

Lisa nodded. "Okay, Leo. I just wanted to make sure we included you in these big decisions. It is always up to you, don't ever forget that, okay?"

I nodded again.

After the meeting, it was decided that I would have surgery to remove the mass from my stomach in four days.

Reid and Myra came to visit that night. They were stunned at the sight of me, I could tell I'd gotten much worse since the mom-imposed "visitor ban".

They sat, very quietly for a while, making small-talk and Reid asked me about various things in the hospital.

"Are the nurses hot? Do they give you sponge-baths?" He laughed, and Myra punched him in the arm. I rolled my eyes. It was the first time I felt like laughing in weeks. We sat and talked about everything besides the cancer and Yale. Anything besides those two topics, we could cover, but those two were off limits.

Reid announced he was accepted to the University of Florida. His brother lived down there and it was his first, and only choice really. He hadn't even applied anywhere else.

"That's great Reid, I'm happy for you" I managed. I laid my head back on my pillows, my beanie was covering almost my entire head. I pushed it away from my eyes. They kept talking to one another and my mom, and then to me. My eyes were fluttering, and they were getting harder and harder to keep open thanks to the medicine they gave me to "relax".

I woke up around three am, and everyone was gone. The lights were off. I felt exhausted with myself. I finally get visitors... and I fall asleep on them. I had really missed Reid and Myra. I was sad that I ruined it. I pulled out my phone to use as a flashlight and read the note that was sitting on my nightstand.

"Gone home for the night... not feeling very well... I hope you understand, I don't want to make you worse. I will be back as soon as I can. I will call you in the morning. xx Mom."

My door was open, and then the lights flipped on.

It was Ophelia. I squinted at the sudden change in lighting. Once my eyes adjusted, I was still confused about why she was here.

"Hey Leo. How are you?" She asked warmly.

"Uh... I'm... I'm okay... It's three am, isn't it? Why aren't you asleep?"

She laughed for a second, and then answered,

"Well, I don't know... why aren't you asleep?"

I shrugged and laid back again, I scratched my head.

"That's fair."

Ophelia made herself comfortable, sitting in my mom's spot.

"So, I heard about your Yale interview," she said, getting right into it.

I cut my eyes. "I don't really want to talk about that."

She nodded. "Okay, lets talk about something else then. Did you know that Andrew Valma, you know, the one with osteosarcoma? He pranked the rude nurse who yells and smacks by putting shaving cream in her face mask? She got it all over her face."

I laughed. "Wow, that's awful." It felt good to laugh. I hadn't laughed in so long. And surprisingly, I didn't feel sick at all. I usually felt every single second of the day like I was going to fall over. But I didn't, not at all.

And so we talked, and we talked and talked, and I laughed. I laughed, and she laughed, and for a second I felt like we were normal... just two teenagers sitting across from each other at the lunch table in high school.

Around five am, I told her I needed sleep. I said I couldn't even keep my eyes open anymore and I needed to lay down. She said that was fine, and, standing to leave, she leaned over and hugged me.

She took my beanie between her thumb and pointer finger and pulled it from my scalp,

"You should just embrace the baldness." She smiled. Then, to my surprise, she kissed the top of my bald head.

She left then, and I sat in my bed, spinning. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.