When I Die [Wattys 2016]

Chapter 52: Her and I

It was a Sunday the first time I heard from her again. I remember because I watched the neighbors all walk out to their cars in their Sunday best, filing perfect-looking imperfect children into car seats and yelling about diaper bags and hair ties. I watched them through the picture window I laid beside, which had become my personal theater. They had to be on time for the fashion show.
When she arrived, I was on my side, the only comfortable spot I could find for days. My hips ached. All of me ached, to be fair. My mom answered the back door. I'd long since put away my cell phone. I couldn't deal with the pressure of speaking to people. I'd shut down all of my social media pages. I didn't update them anymore. There was nothing more to say. They would get an update when I was gone. I was tired of putting up appearances. So when my mom peeked around the corner from the kitchen and said I had a visitor, I was quick to pass an annoyed glance her way.
"You'll like this guest, I swear," she said. She put her hands up in surrender and walked away, back to the kitchen.
"Leo, hey," she said.
"Uh, hey... hi," I stammered, so smoothly.
"Is this a bad time?"
"Ah, no, it's never really a bad time," I answered. I fidgeted with the blanket between my fingers.
"God, you look like shit," she said, half gasping and choking up.
Her voice sounded pained, but different. Like she'd grown. Like she'd changed.
"Yeah. I feel like it too," I shrugged.
She was wearing her Ramones t-shirt. Her pants were wrapped at the thigh. Her white converse were marked with smudges from our adventures. She looked the same.
She moved around the bed to me, sitting in front of the window. She slowly looked down at her own hands and then leaned forward, taking my hand in hers. She was careful of the IV. She inhaled deeply and then met my gaze. Her eyes were misty.
"Leo, I'm so sorry..." she whispered, as if it was a secret.
I shook my head as best I could.
"I should be the one apologizing," I said. She chuckled.
"Yeah, but we're running out of time. I had to make sure one of us did it," she said.
I huffed out something resembling a laugh.
"Myra, I'm really sorry. I don't know..." I shook my head, "I don't know what's wrong with me. Something's wrong with me."
"Leo, you're dying, that's what's wrong with you. I don't expect you to know what to do or say..."
"I shouldn't have said those things to you, Myra. And you were right before, being sick is no excuse for being an ass-hole. I was wrong. I hope you forgive me. And I hope you know none of it was true."
She closed her eyes, at first gently and then squeezed them tight. A tear fell down her cheek so fast I would have missed it if I blinked.
"Don't cry, Myra," I begged.
I reached a trembling hand out to wipe it off her cheek. I pushed her hair behind her ear and she leaned into my embrace.
"Leo, I'm in love with you. You know?"
I nodded.
"I'm scared to lose you. It's like I've never been without you. I don't remember how to be without you." Tears fell, one after the other, down her cheeks now.
I bit my lip, sliding backwards in the bed as a pain shoots through my stomach and leaves me shivering. It was always there, the pain. It was as if the cancer wanted to mark it's presence in the conversation.
"You okay?" She whispered. I nodded, keeping my eyes shut. I was battling the overwhelming desire to throw up, once again. As always.
"I'm scared Myra," I mustered when I felt brace enough.
"I know you are, baby," she said gently. Her hand caressed my hair, pushing it back from my forehead.
"I should never have yelled at you. I'm so sorry. I ruined everything. We wasted so much time." I curled in, defensively around my stomach. The cancer pressed against my stomach whenever I shifted into a bad position. It was like rocket science trying to find the right spot.
"Shh, Leo, don't get worked up. It's okay." She soothed like my mom did. Myra would have been an amazing wife. She would be, just someone else's.
"Are you okay? Do you need the trash can?"
She asked, humiliating me.
I shook my head no, but I wasn't sure. I was more frustrated than anything else.
"I hate myself for doing that to you."
Myra leaned in and kissed my mouth, my cheek, and my forehead.
"It's okay, Leo. Let's spend our time together now."
I nodded after a brief pause.
"Lets go somewhere. I want to go somewhere," I said.
She furrowed her brow and pulled back from me.
"Leo..."
"Please? I just want to. I'm so tired of laying here... I want to go see the ocean."
Myra looked over me, to see if anyone else heard me. She reached a hand out and felt my forehead.
"What are you doing?"
"Hmm, no fever. Why are you talking so crazy?"
I closed my eyes.
"I'm not crazy, I just want to see the ocean. I have to. Please?"
"Leo, you don't even like the beach."
"But I like the ocean."
She sighed.
I knew it was a long shot. I knew she'd have to be crazy to take me anywhere in this state. I was unwell. I couldn't even tie my own shoes hardly.
"Okay."
My eyes snapped open. I looked at her.
"What?"
"Okay, fine. Let's go to the beach. I'll pick you up tonight, after your mom and dad are sleeping. Text me when they go to bed."
My heart was racing. She'd said yes. I nodded.
"Myra, thank you, it really means a lot to me..."
She leaned in and kissed me to cut me off.
"You should get some rest, Leo. I'll see you tonight, okay?"
"Okay."
And she left. As soon as she left me alone, I took stock of how exhausted I was. God, how was I going to do this?
I closed my eyes, and buzzing, I fell asleep.