From A-Z, and Everything in Between

Angel

"Soraru-san?"

      "Hmm?"

      "What do you think happens when we die?"

  Soraru couldn't say he was surprised by this, but he was wondering what had caused MafuMafu to ask such a question so suddenly.

      "What's with you getting so dark all of a sudden?" Soraru asked with a hint of amusement.

  MafuMafu leaned back, using his hands to prop himself up, and gave a thoughtful hum. "Not sure. It's just something that I randomly thought of." He turned his head to look over at Soraru curiously. "So, what do you think?"

      "Ah, well..." Soraru trailed off, trying to think of a way to answer that question.

  He didn't have a generally dark or gloomy personality, so he'd never actually put much thought into these sorts of things before. He knew that MafuMafu did, though, and it worried him sometimes. To see someone he truly cared about fall into periods of depression was really concerning, and Soraru often found himself wondering if he could do anything to help. He probably couldn't. Despite his wishes, he was unable to do a thing time and time again. It kept happening, and it only seemed to be occurring more and more often.

      "I'm not sure, honestly. But whatever it is, it can't be any better than living," Soraru finally responded, having failed to come up with a better answer.

  MafuMafu was silent for a moment, before speaking in a soft voice. "You think so?"

      "Of course. I'd definitely rather be alive than dead," Soraru replied, looking over at the white-haired male beside him.

  MafuMafu seemed to consider his words and smiled faintly. "Then I'll take your word for it."

  Hearing this made Soraru tense up. There was that familiar trace of melancholy in MafuMafu's voice, like he wanted to believe that living was better than the alternative with all of his might but he just couldn't. Soraru opened his mouth to say something, but he found that he was having a hard time just getting air past the lump in his throat, let alone words. He closed his mouth again after a few seconds and directed his gaze to the ground, hating himself for being such a coward.

      "I wonder what'll happen to me, though. I know that day is going to come eventually, so I can't help but be curious," MafuMafu continued.

      "Knowing you, you'll become an angel," Soraru muttered.

  At this, MafuMafu genuinely laughed, and Soraru couldn't help but smile. In that moment he didn't care if he was a hopeless human being who couldn't even help the one he loved most, he was just thankful that he could be the source of that wonderful laugh. He could listen to the sound all day, honestly.

      "Yeah, that's it! I'll become an angel and rule over the heavens!" MafuMafu joked as he continued to laugh.

  Soraru chuckled and rolled his eyes in amusement. "You'd have to become God to do that, stupid."

      "Fine, then I'll become God. Or you could become God, and we could rule together... That might work out better," MafuMafu said thoughtfully.

      "I'm pretty sure the world would become a scary place if it was entrusted to you," Soraru commented.

  MafuMafu pouted at this. "That's so mean! It's like you don't have any faith in me!" He paused for a moment, before continuing with, "But it's probably true..."

  The playful grin on his face fell away at this, and Soraru instantly wished he could rewind time so that he wouldn't have said anything at all. Usually joking banter like this was okay for them, it's what they did as friends, so why did MafuMafu look so sad right now? Soraru's mind was desperately searching for anything, anything at all, that he could do to cheer MafuMafu up again. He got nothing.

      "It'd be nice if I could be the kind of person that betters the world," MafuMafu mumbled as he began fiddling with his sleeves.

  Soraru repeated the action of opening his mouth to speak and ultimately closing it again. Why wasn't he saying anything? Why couldn't he say anything? He was so stupid.

      "I think... I think being able to improve something, anything really, means your life has a pretty good purpose, don't you think?" MafuMafu continued.

      "No..." Soraru managed to get out, his voice sounding a little hoarse.

  MafuMafu looked over at him quizzically, like he didn't believe him. "No?"

  Soraru slowly shook his head. "No, that's... that's not right. It doesn't matter if you improve things or not. None of that has anything to do with your purpose."

  MafuMafu gave a low, unconvinced hum and fell silent. Soraru wished he could've known what MafuMafu was thinking, wished he could've had just the slightest insight as to the root of all of MafuMafu's troubles, but sadly he didn't. All he could do was stare at the white-haired male and hope that something had gotten through to him. He honestly wasn't sure which one of them was the more desperate one. MafuMafu for searching for something as ambiguous as the meaning of life, or himself for trying again and again to give MafuMafu that meaning. Tentatively, Soraru reached out and pulled the white-haired male closer to him for a hug. MafuMafu let out a surprised yelp and tried to squirm away, but Soraru only tightened his grip around him.

      "I think... being loved by someone should be enough purpose for anyone," Soraru said quietly.

  He felt MafuMafu stiffen at this, before he slowly rested his forehead on Soraru's chest. MafuMafu's small frame shook with silent sobs, and Soraru allowed him to cry in peace. It was fine if he didn't say anything. It was fine if he didn't clearly say that MafuMafu was and always would be loved by him, that MafuMafu simply needed to find reason in staying by his side. It should've been enough to just stay like this in a silent embrace. It should've been...

  It was like looking at a picture that you don't remember ever having taken. The image seemed unreal, but it was there, the undeniable truth that it had indeed happened. That's how Soraru felt as he gazed upon that face framed by those familiar white locks. He'd tried to convince himself many times that the person was just sleeping, that they would wake up eventually. But seeing all these people gathered here while they wept and mourned made him realize that waking up was no longer possible for this person. The sudden feeling of a hand being placed on his shoulder startled Soraru out of his thoughts, and he quickly turned his head to see who it was. It was Amatsuki.

      "How are you holding up?" Amatsuki asked. His voice sounded scratchy, like he had been crying for a while. He probably had been.

  Soraru sighed. "Probably not any better than the rest of us."

      "Fair enough," Amatsuki muttered, before falling silent.

  The two of them merely stood there for a few moments, just staring at the unnervingly peaceful look on MafuMafu's face. The longer they stared, though, the more reality dawned on them and brought them closer to tears. Soraru was the first to say something.

      "L-Let's get out of here. Everyone else has left already, I think," he stated, finding it difficult to talk around the lump in his throat.

  Amatsuki simply nodded, not trusting his voice right now. Their gazes lingered on MafuMafu's face for what they knew would be the last time, before they managed to turn around and walk away. Soraru's legs felt numb, his whole body felt numb really, but he was somehow able to trudge out of the room and make his way outside. It was incredibly sunny that day, so much so that it hurt Soraru's eyes. He blinked a few times to adjust them to the light as he and Amatsuki walked down the street. For a while, nothing was said between them, but the silence eventually became too heavy for either one to bear.

      "What do you think happened to Mafu-kun after he... you know..." Amatsuki trailed off, not wanting to use the word "died". He didn't think he could handle it right now.

  Soraru looked up towards the sky and, for the first time since he learned of MafuMafu's death, he smiled faintly. "He became an angel."

A/N: So I wrote this sometime ago after having kind of a... depressing (?) conversation with a friend. It wasn't anything really serious, mostly just us talking about how we'd be sad if each other died (not sure how that even got brought up though w). But that got me in kind of a sad mindset, and when I'm sad I write sad things. So yeah, that's how this terrible thing came into existence -.-