blue ; gallavich

20

MICKEY

I told myself not to come here. Actually, I begged myself to stay away. All it would do is trigger bad memories and sadness and bring me into deep, inevitable thought. And that deep, inevitable thought is something that I do not need now; something that I've been postponing. I could've thought on the way to my dreadful destination, but instead I let my mind fall into a pit of complete nothingness in its purest form. The only thing running through my head was the beat of my footsteps in the lonely night.

Despite all of my failed attempts to avoid this spot, I end myself here anyways. I always come here, and though my brain and heart scream at me to turn around and save myself the torture, I continue on. Being here can't make me more fuckin' sad than I already am, I think to myself, and I feel my soul crush a tiny bit more as I look at the familiar location surrounding me. All the relieved sighs and terrified looks that have been shared here circulate in the foggy air. The warm hugs and rough kisses and sharp whispers flow through the gusty wind. Terrified punches, threatening yells, and secretly given fucks are buried deep beneath the dirt underneath me. The only thing that could make these feelings rise from the dead is Ian, but thanks to me that won't happen. Thanks to fucking me.

This is all too overwhelming. Shit, the past three months since I've gotten out of jail have been fuckin' nuts. Things always go crazy when a Milkovich arrives; just look at Terry for a prime example. Shit was fine with me and Ian during Yev's baptism until Terry's old ass had to show up and ruin everything- also adding that Ian was being a fuckin' drama queen, which was extremely unnecessary. And again Terry came back and ruined it just one more fucking time when Ian and I were finally getting settled; when things were returning to a somewhat-normal condition, though I couldn't expect that much with my life.

I used to always think about how I saw a little bit of my father in myself, and for the longest time I admired that. Back when I was a homophobic homosexual who was flat-out denying himself. But every time I looked in the mirror I knew my true identity and it scared me shitless, so I pushed it away. I ran from it, tried to beat it out of myself, tried to drink it away, but nothing worked. And when I fell in love with Ian I knew that I was one hundred percent fucked.

Deep down, though I knew he was a piece of shit, I always wanted to be like Terry. Have control over people and terrifying the living daylight out of anyone and everyone. I wanted to be fierce. I don't know why my father was the first person to come to mind when I thought of fierce- why not El Chapo or someone- but Terry was who I settled on. Maybe it was because he had the most balls in our house since Collin was in jail, or maybe because I was petrified of Terry. Never knowing what wrong move would trigger his drunk ass, make him feel the need to beat me until I was black and blue with blood dribbling down my face. That was definitely a trait I inherited from him.

I'm almost positive that the main reason I strived to be like him was so he would respect me. Give me the love like I'd seen him give to Coll and Iggs. Shit, I'd even seen him protect Mandy from time to time, but I was always the odd one out. From day one it was kill or be killed for me, tossed out on my own with no support other than what I give to myself. And instead of getting a 'hey son, how was your day?' from Terry, I got a 'fucking faggot' and a pistol whip. My day was great, thanks for askin' Dad.

Dad.

What a strange word. Something that I never considered calling Terry. Father- maybe. But Dad- no way in Hell. In order to be called 'Dad' you have to earn the title by acting like one. Dad's are supposed to love all of their kids, not just three of the four. And a dad would help his son out when he was in trouble and not just tell him to grow a pair. Terry has never been a dad- and frankly he never will be considered one by me- but he's more of my sperm donor. He's obligated to take care of me yet has no interest in doing so. Yeah, that accurately sums him up.