Loving You

chapter fourteen

Yusuf looked at her wide-eyed, trying to recall the memory. Durdanah smiled sadly at him, "You don't remember, do you? It makes sense." She nodded, letting it sink in.

He furrowed his eyebrows before apologizing, "Sorry I can- wait by any chance are you talking about the time I got super mad at you and threw the book at your feet." He ran a hand through his hair in recognition.

She nodded, smiling brightly. He remembered!

"Oh my God, Duri. I'm so sorry for that, I was such a brat as a kid. I don't even know why I did that. I didn't even apologize!" He covered his face with his hands in embarrassment.

"It's okay, don't worry about it. By the way, I realized that I hadn't asked you how you were. I haven't seen you in years, how are you?" She asked thoughtfully as she pursed her lips. If it'd have been up to her, she'd have talked to Rania every day, and as a result, Yusuf too. But Arham had had her cut off all contact with all people; male or female.

 Especially the people she knew prior to marrying him, he didn't want her to open that mouth of hers and reveal everything. And he didn't want her to be around anyone other than him. His possessive nature was more than that; it was controlling, manipulative and overwhelming.

"The last time I saw you was at your wedding, right?"

Durdanah's head snapped up at the revelation, "What, no? Last time I saw you two was at your wedding." She spoke slowly, confused.

Yusuf creased his eyebrows and shook his head. "Wait, I remember us keeping contact for three years after my marriage with Rania. I remember it clearly. You went to the UK to study but I remember it well. We would still occasionally talk on the phone. It wasn't like we'd completely lost contact with you."

Durdanah nodded, "Yeah, I remember us talking a few times a year. Twice, maybe thrice. I remember Rania studying graphic design and you were studying medicine so the two of you were really busy. And, I was studying to become a psychologist and God knows how I got that scholarship but I remember all of us so busy that we rarely had time to talk."

Yusuf went on to explain, "I remember it clearly. You sent us invitations for your wedding. Rania was so excited she'd bought you so many gifts, and she'd found the perfect dress to wear that night after dragging me around stores for weeks. I remember that night she looked exceptionally beautiful. I clearly remember flying to Hyderabad because that's where your parents wanted you married because all your family was there." 

 He paused for a moment as he recollected all that had happened.

"Yeah, we flew and we were a little late because Rania needed to get ready but we were there at your wedding. But, some irritating guy was there and said that your husband didn't want outsiders so he wouldn't let us in.  Rania, however pleaded with him and when he didn't oblige, she gave him all the presents she bought for you to give to you. Rania was heartbroken and called and texted you so many times after your marriage but you never picked up."

She was quiet as she let it sink in. He'd ruined everything, he hadn't even let her see Rania for the last time. He never let her say goodbye to her.

After a while, Yusuf broke the silence yet once again, "If you wouldn't mind me asking, I've been wondering this since the day you came over to my house, but why would you, a young, intelligent woman even think of marrying a divorced man with a child, doesn't make sense to me."

She was silent as she thought of what to say.  He deserved to know. He deserved to, and she had to tell him one day. She should tell him now. They were friends, after all.

"No 'self-respecting man' wants to marry a non-virgin." She decided against telling him. He'd judge her and look at her with those same accusing eyes.

Yusuf shook his head, "I'm a self-respecting man, and I had agreed to marry you. I'm a non-virgin too, the double standards are ridiculous. I think people would marry me - it's just Hamsa. Had I told any other woman that I'm marrying them not for love but just so that she could take care of my daughter, they'd leave me on the spot. Who wants to take care of another woman's child?"

Durdanah sighed, "Yusuf, I was going to say no. I didn't want to get married again. I was petrified. I did it for my parents the first time and this time too. For them." She paused trying to think of the right words to say. 

"I could only marry a man who already had a child because I couldn't bring myself to deprive him of that just because I myself cannot conceive one."

Yusuf's eyes widened. Durdanah could not become a mother? Is that why she thanked him for Hamsa?

"What?"

"I wasn't always infertile." She explained. "Not always."  She could feel her voice begin crack.

"I..I wasn't born infertil-"

"Hey, it's okay if you feel uncomfortable and don't want to tell me. I completely understand." He interrupted.

Durdanah shook her head, biting her lip to hold back the tears. She needed to tell someone. She needed to spill all these years of misery.

"He broke me." She said simply. "I had an uncountable amount of miscarriages. They were forced. Every time he found out I was pregnant, he would force me to drink something. I don't know what it was, but within a night, my child would die." She choked on her words. "I know it sounds horrible but after a while, I was so used to it that it didn't hurt anymore. I just became numb to it as my children slipped away from me." She swallowed her tears and kept speaking, it felt good talking about it to someone after years and years of suffering.

"I'd heard stories, but I'd never thought it'd happen to me. I was a young, successful, modern and happy woman. I was privileged living in a first world country and I thought all of those horrific stories of domestic violence and abuse were just that- stories. They were for women who lived in villages and married men twice their age. Unfortunately, I was wrong." She elaborated, trying to get Yusuf to understand without her saying the words herself.

"I begged him if he wanted intercourse, then to use protection so I didn't have to suffer through losing my children each time. He didn't listen because he couldn't care less. Why should his pleasure be reduced because our children died each time? Why would he care when he was their murderer?"

Yusuf could feel himself shaking already. He didn't want to hear anymore but he couldn't stop her. 

He couldn't stop her.