Retrograde | Jicheol

서른다섯

The city looked spellbinding from where Jihoon was standing right now. With the dusky sky peppered with tiny twinkling lights and the moon dawning over it, he could just stay there all night.

This is where he used to go before the accident, he remembers now. Tago ang lugar na 'to gawa ng mga punong nakatakip dito mula sa daanan, and he felt thankful for that. He could really use some time alone right now-to ponder on some things and feelings that are slowly messing him up somewhere inside him.

Oo nga't naaalala na niya si Seungcheol pero ang nararamdaman niya naman para rito ang nakalimutan na niya.

Nakalimutan.

Lahat ng nakakalimot ay nakakaalala rin. Pero imposible namang babalik agad nang ganoon kabilis ang mga lintek niyang nararamdaman dati, diba? That's just ridiculous. Perhaps this is a different emotion. Longing, maybe? But definitely not that one.

Napasabunot nalang si Jihoon sa sarili niyang buhok dahil sa pagkairita. If only he could let this all out right now. If only there was some way to get this off of his chest.

He eyes darted back to the vast scenery in front of him. The citylights from afar did help him calm his mind a little. Dagdagan pa ng katahimikan sa paligid niya.

Jihoon thought of an idea.

Placing his hands around his mouth, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Then he yelled with all his might.

Sigaw lang siya nang sigaw hanggang sa mangawit na 'yung panga niya. Wala na siyang pake kung nagmukha siyang timang kakasigaw dun. Isa pa, siya lang naman mag-isa rito. No one could hear him except for the stars and the crickets around him. No one would judge him for being so pathetic and weak.

Oo na, tangina. Nagseselos ako. Sobra.

Wala rin naman kasing magagawa ang pagde-deny sa sarili niya, diba? Maybe he can lie to his friends but he can never lie to himself. Alam niya sa sarili niyang hindi talaga nawala 'tong nararamdaman niya para kay Seungcheol. Nakalimutan niya lang sandali pero hindi ito nawala. At kahit ilang beses niya pa 'tong kalimutan, alam niyang hinding-hindi ito mawawala. Kasi tangina, nakatatak na yata sa sistema niya 'yung pangalan ng hayop na 'yun.

"Si Jihoon ay para kay Seungcheol," sabi ng anim na taong gulang na Jihoon. "Si Seungcheol ay para kay Jihoon."

Well, shit happens, kid. Si Seungcheol ay para kay Jeonghan na ngayon.

He felt his chest tightened once again...and the stupid water swelling in his eyes. No. Not now please.

Para mapigilan ang sarili sa kung ano mang nagbabadyang dilubyong paparating, tumingin nalang si Jihoon sa taas at tinitigan ang langit.

So, this is what I've been missing all this time. He thought.

The sky looked really amazing tonight. Hindi na napigilan ni Jihoon ang sariling mapamangha sa nakita niya. Walang ka-ulap-ulap ngayong gabi kaya naman kitang-kita talaga ang buong kalangitan. Dahil dito, tuluyan niya nang nakalimutan ang kung ano mang iniisip niya kanina.

He stayed like that for a few minutes until he felt another presence behind him.

"You're doing it again." Jihoon didn't have to turn around to know who the intruder was. Boses pa lang niya ay kilalang-kilala niya na ito.

And although his insides were already somersaulting due to the waves of emotions he was feeling internally, he kept his cool.