Ashes ~ (a TenRose Fanfiction)

Opening Up To The Truth

I wrote this on the plane home trying to keep myself awake with a too-strong coffee. So sorry if it's a bit long and drabbles on a bit. I'm blaming it on the jet lag.
Ella :))

***
~Chapter 9
-Rose's POV

In the end I just sat on side dangling my legs, refusing to get into the lagoon any further. I want ready enough to go through the same feeling of being closed in by water and worry I wouldn't be able to breathe. But none the less still I still feel increasingly guilty about leaving the Doctor.
"You can drink that water you know" Justin says, walking ahead of me on the walk back to the cave.
"Really? It doesn't look that clean"
"It really is. Fresh water for sure"
"Oh okay. Maybe we should get some tomorrow?"
"Good idea. Well just have to survive on coconut milk for now." He says with a small laugh even though our current situation is far from funny. We reach the cave and find the Doctor's not there. It doesn't come as much as a surprise to me as the Doctor's always wandering off, and also the fact I did in fact leave him earlier. He must have been worried, and now I feel awful for following Justin. I imagine what I would've felt like in his situation, and it reminds me of that first night when he was caught in the storm and I thought he'd never come back. But I couldn't really resist the offer: a attractive young man taking you by the hand to a hidden lagoon. Wait - attractive? No. Stop.
"Where'd he go?" Justin says, looking around the cave.
"I don't know.." But just at that, I see him. He's sat down the end of the beach on a rock, staring out at the sea. And he looks absolutely beautiful. His shirt is torn, his tie ripped and hanging loose, the once pinstriped trousers have faded in the sun, and his hair is tousled in a big ruffle on his head. I swallow and take a breath.
"I'm gonna go talk to him - I'll be back later." I say to Justin, who is standing watching the Doctor too.
"Okay" he says blandly as I walk away.

***

I make it to the slanted rock where The Doctor has perched himself,  dangling his feet at the edge, and I stop. The beauty I had seen for afar was now fading. His face is no longer defined in the sunlight, but defined through thinness and complete lack of energy. The Doctor is usually full of life - every time someone says his name I think of the bouncing, buzzing man with the pinstripe suit and spiked hair who could babble on endlessly for hours about something we could possible only apply a few sentences of logic to. And his smile would stretch wide on his face, lighting up his eyes like a Christmas tree.
But not anymore.
It had only been three days and yet he looked completely lost and broken. Every inch of me wants to run up the Rock and wrap him in a tight hug, but now is not the time.
"It's okay, you can come up" he says, but doesn't turn his head round. He'd known I was here?...Of course he did. I make my way up the rock, and take a seat beside him. For a moment I focus on the breeze against my legs, the cool wind touching the bare skin through the holes in my leggings.
"Sorry for wandering off earlier, I didn't mean to worry you." I say suddenly, and maybe a bit too quickly. The Doctor turns his gaze to meet mine, looking like he didn't expect me to say that.
"It's fine. Don't worry, I'm fine" he says a bit too quickly for someone to really be "fine".
"So you keep saying"
"Really, Rose. Don't worry about me" He swallows and I notice his hands are clasped tightly together, and he's not sat as close as he usually might of. Or rather, I've chosen to sit a little further away. "Personal space" isn't something me and the Doctor usually even dwell on when spending time with each other, but there's an odd atmosphere in the air that's making me feel uneasy.
"What is it?" I ask, looking over at him.
"Hmm?" The doctor sighs and turns his head towards me.
"I know you were worried earlier, and I'm sorry-"
"I've already told you, I'm fine."
"But why won't you tell me what's wrong? You're acting....weird"
The Doctor takes a deep breath and casts his eyes down the beach to where Justin is stood kicking a stone through the sand.
It's him" he finally says, not taking his eyes of our new American acquaintance. 
"What about him?" I ask, looking at Justin then back to the Doctor.
"I thought he'd taken you." He says almost too quietly for me to hear.
"I'm sorry" I say again, feeling guilty.
"It's not your fault. He's a stranger, and we barely know him. And after coming so close to loosing you the other day..." He trails off, and obvious lump in his throat. I see him pause to swallow it down, he never usually gets emotional or opens up so much.
"I'm fine, honest" I say. He nods and smiles lightly at me. It is then when I see his cut hands again.
"What happened?" I say, and gently pick up his hands in my own, carefully examining his palms.
"I-I uh...Well I was sort of in a rush to find you, pushed a couple of brambles a bit too harsh, that's all."
"Be more careful next time" I say to him "These could get infected, I'll cover them up later"
"When did you learn to do that?"
"I dunno...TV, books, films, stuff like that I guess"
"They'll be fine" he says, looking a little closer at the wounds.
"Gotta be on the safe side seeing as we've got no treatment. A tiny infection could be really bad."
"Maybe we should swap names, you seem more like The Doctor right now. I'm not doing such a great job" he smiles.
"You always do a great job." I hesitate a second "But seriously - I don't want you running through masses of brambles just to find me again, got it? I'm not that important"
Feeling that I want to be closer to him, I bring his hands to my mouth and gently press my lips to his cut palms. I feel him shiver underneath my touch, and I place his hands back down.
"Rose Tyler, I've never met anyone more important" he says. I smile and feel tears prickling in my eyes. I decide then I've never heard the Doctor say anything more powerful.
"Don't make me emotional" I say with a small smile. I hesitate then as if I want to say more, but I can't find the words. Of course the Doctor notices.
"What is it?" He asks gently.
"I want to tell you something," I say quietly "But I'm worried you want look at me the same way afterwards"
"I'll never see you any differently. You know that." he says. When I don't say anything he nudges my shoulder "You can tell me anything"
"I can't find the words" I whisper, and feel tears escaping me. I've wanted to tell him for so long, but I've found some excuse why I shouldn't. He says nothing, but finds my hand and squeezes it tightly. Finally I compose myself. "You questioned it a few days ago"
"What?" He asks.
"When I...I slipped up and said that I hadn't be sick like that since.."
"Oh" he nods, remembering the occasion.
"I was pregnant" I blurt out "there, I said it"
"What? When?" He says in a question of shock.
"I was only sixteen" I say, feeling tears burning the back of my throat "There was a man...Jimmy Stone. People are sick of the story now, no one knows the truth." I pause for a second. "People just knew me as the girl who got pregnant in her final year of school and mucked up all her GCSE's." The tears escape them, and the Doctor pulls me into a tight hug.
"Did he....did he force you to?" The Doctor says gently, smoothing my back. I pull back and wipe my eyes.
"No. He persuaded me though. I was only fifteen at the time...so young. Too young. When I told mum I was pregnant she hit the roof"
"I can imagine" the Doctor says. I nod.
"It started when he came into our school to talk about the music industry to our class. He'd just released a single which was slowly rising in the charts. And then that was it. He swept me off my feet and told me to drop school and that the music industry was the way forward. He took me on, acted as a manager. He got me gigs and even a record deal, which was when my single was released. He made me feel so special, y'know. I hadn't felt like that before. Me and Mickey had been in a row, and I just wanted someone more...supportive."
"How old was he?" The Doctor asks.
"Nineteen" I say shamefully, looking down.
"Don't be ashamed, Rose. It's all in the past" he says with empathy. So I carry on.
"My single came out when I was just sixteen, a week...after the abortion." I say.
"I'm so sorry" the Doctor looks away, barely able to look at me.
"Don't be" I say "I knew I couldn't cope as a single mum. Mum did it amazingly for me, but I knew I wasn't strong enough. My single rose to the top of the charts and then faded out soon enough. So I broke it up with him.
"But then wouldn't stop texting me. Calling me awful names: slut, whore, a slag...sometimes worse" I see the Doctor's jaw clench. "it got to the point he'd start threatening me, and then I got the police involved. But then of course came the press. Twisting the truth saying I'd killed the baby for attention, not being able to cope. I'm surprised you don't remember it."
"I wasn't out and about around then. Y'know...the time war."
"Of course. I'm sorry" I say.
"I'm sorry too"
"Don't worry" I say quietly, wiping away my tears. I stutter slightly when I next speak. "I'm not like that though, I-I'm really not."
"I'm not making any judgements about you, Rose. You'll always be the same woman in my eyes, no matter what"
"You always know just the right thing to say, you know that?"
"Hmm. Quite right too" he smiles. I laugh. "You do too though...always say the right thing" he finally says. I don't know what to say next so instead I lean my head on his shoulder and  I feel him relax against me. "We'll be alright. You and me" I whisper after a few moments silence.
"Yeah?" He says, leaning his head against mine.
"Yes"