This Could All Be Yours

11

The next afternoon, Gerard and I stood on the top balcony, facing the backyard.

I leaned into his arm. "You're house is so beautiful."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah...you don't have the trees blocking the perfect view, or the house so closed up constantly."

"What, he doesn't open the windows once in a while?"

"The windows in the house can't be opened.."

"Huh..."

I leaned closer to him. "I want to be free like you."

"You are free."

"I'm contained."

He turned his head, facing me. "How so?"

"I feel like when I'm with him I have to hide who I am, who I really am. But when I'm with you," I looked up at him, "I feel like I can be free."

"I wouldn't ever want you to hide who you really are, Frank. That's what makes you so much different from everyone else I could've had that night." He stood behind me, wrapping me up in his arms and resting his head on my shoulder. "Do you remember that night I asked you to dance?"

I let my mind flutter back to the day.

We were young. It was raining and I remember seeing Gerard for the first time. He was with someone. A girl, pretty and blonde. Her red lipstick was bright, the only thing that was noticeable from her, besides her hair. But he wasn't with her. I remember when he saw me, a light smile stretched across his face. And when he walked over to me - I could still feel the butterflies take flight on the inside. And I remember every word he said to me like they were a melody that I left on repeat. Everything from "Will you dance with me?" to "You're so beautiful," and as well as "Let me take you home." I remember it all. Him. Us.

"We were in love."

"We still are."

What was I doing?

What was I thinking not waiting for Gerard?

Everything would've been so perfect, so beautiful. And we could live here together. No one could ever make me feel the way I feel when I'm with Gerard...so what was I doing?

"I can make this right. We don't have to have an affair. We can be together again."

"Wait," was all he said to me.

"Wait?"

"Yes, Frankie. Wait."

"For what?"

"For you're brain to decide."

"I have decided, and I want you."

He kissed my forehead. "You don't know what you want. And the only way you can figure that out is if what you want and what you have are with you at the same time."

He was right, obviously.

"A lot can happen in a month."

"Another reason to wait."

***

I spent the last few days at home.

I was eating dinner with Bob and Wallace. They both kept glancing at me. Wallace gave me a look of concern but Bob looked like he knew something.

He slammed his fist down on the table, making me jump. "You fucked him, didn't you?"

"What? No!"

"Bullshit, Frank! Don't lie to me!"

"I - I was just - that's not what -"

"Did you have sex with Gerard?"

I bowed my head. "Yes."

"What were you thinking? Did you think no one was ever going to know?"

"No, I -"

"You spent weeks with him, Frank! Weeks! May I remind you that the man who loves you is coming back in a month?"

"If he loves me than why do I feel like I have to hide myself from him? You didn't have an issue with Gerard and I before, neither of you did!"

"You and him kissing was easy to cover up. But you fucked him!"

"No - I didn't! We made love! It's different!"

"How different? You both were alone together, you both were wanting it, right? Where is that any different? Does Jay not do that to you?"

"Gerard cares!"

"So does Jay!"

"I know, but Gerard knows me. Jay was just some guy to get my mind away from Gerard when we started. But then I started to really like him and then Gerard moved next door and now I want Gerard. He knows me."

"Gerard caused you pain back then."

"But I loved him. I loved everything about him. He never caused pain. He just made me miss him."

"You're driving yourself crazy over him."

I didn't speak.

Bob sighed, "Are you sure this is what you want?"

I nodded.

"You're going back to Gerard's, aren't you?"

I nodded again.

"For how long?"

"Take a break from watching me."

"We never get sick of watching you, sir. It's never a boring day with you."

I smiled slightly.

"Alright, let me take you over."

"I'm alright, I can do it."

"Frank, it's dark and I don't want you out alone."

"It's just up the road a bit."

"Unless you want to stay here,"

"No, please?!"

"Then get in the car. I swear to god, Frank, you're the kid I never asked for."

Something about that made me giggle.

"Be safe, sir."

"I will."

Bob took me to Gerard's.

I admired his house yet again before I got out of the car after thanking him.

I was let in the house by Wayne who took me to see Gerard, who was sitting outside.

"Hey, Gee."

"Frankie!" He got up and greeted me. "I have this thought."

"What?"

"I think you'll like it."

"What is it?"

"It's nothing too special but," He held my hands in his, rubbing them gently. "It's a beautiful night and that deserves to be seen in the right way."

He ordered for all lights in the house to be shut off. He took me to the ballroom where the one wall was made of ceiling-to-floor windows. He stood me in the center of the room then ran to shut the ballroom light.

The moon light shined through the windows, creating a spot light on me.

Gerard stood where I could only see the outline of him. "Oh, Frankie, you are truly beautiful." He walked over to me slowly, pulling me in and holding me.

I looked up at him. "You're beautiful too."

He smiled but when it faded and he looked at my necklace, he said, "Pumpkin,"

I kept my eyes on him.

"I don't like "pumpkin"." He let go of my necklace. "Do you remember what I used to call you?"

I looked down, smiling to myself. "Dollface."

"A doll like you has to have the best."