The Productive Muslimah

Depression

Every morning I wake up and wish I hadn’t.
The months, weeks and days pass with me wishing
it’ll be the last, and yet there’s no end.

At nighttime I cry faintly into my pillow with tears
streaming down my cheeks. I whimper in pain,
attempting to suppress the sounds that leave my
room; I don’t want my family to hear.

I whisper, “Oh Allah, I don’t want to live anymore.
Oh Allah, please, I don’t want to live anymore.”
I feel broken. I feel alone. I feel empty inside. I am in
pain and numb at the same time. Perhaps my pain is
so much now that I can no longer distinguish it. It is
a physical pain—a weight on my chest crushing my
existence, crushing my hopes and dreams.

I pray five times a day, I make du'a’ (supplications),
I say astaghfirullah (I ask forgiveness from Allah)
throughout the day and read as much Qur’an as I
can. But it’s hard. I have no motivation to keep
going. I don’t know what I’m moving towards. My
goals and hopes have all slowly faded away.

I am a façade of who I once was. I constantly lie
about how I feel. I must keep up appearances. I smile
and laugh when I must. I have to maintain
relationships, or else the loneliness will only get
worse. I would rather be in this dungeon that I’m in,
alone; but my mind knows that the loneliness will
only make it worse. I don’t want to unload the hurt I
feel onto others. So, I fake a smile and try to
converse with family and friends. It is tiring, but I
do it. It is a part of living and for now I must live.
I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want others
to pity me.

I don’t pity myself. I am not ungrateful. I am
thankful. I am thankful for all the blessings Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala (exalted is He) has bestowed
upon me. I do not complain to others. I try to
complain only to Allah (swt). Yaqub 'alayhi
assalam (peace be upon him) endured the pain of
being separated from his beloved Yusuf (as) for
many years. Maryam (as) lay beneath a palm tree
while in the throes of labor, wishing Allah (swt) had
taken her life and spared her from those moments
of despair. Musa (as), a fugitive from the land of
Pharaoh, found himself without family, wealth, or
possessions—he had nothing. Poor and desperate,
all he was able to cry was “My Lord, I am in need of
any good that you send me.”
So I complain to Allah (swt) of the pain and sadness
I cannot explain. I keep asking, most times not
knowing what to say. Just hoping and praying and
wishing for salvation from this suffering.

I don’t know how to explain depression. How do I
explain it to family and friends? I heard someone
once describe depression as an ever-lingering
constant sadness, even when everything in your
life is going well.
It is a total loss of pleasure.
Nothing gives me pleasure anymore.

I’m so tired, yet no amount of sleep nourishes me.
Eating has become work. Brushing my teeth,
answering phone calls, replying to emails; simply
existing has become tiresome. I know my pain is not
physical to others, but my pain is real. I feel it in
every moment. When I sleep, when I eat, when I
laugh, when I cry, when I speak. My pain is hidden
beneath it all.

No one wishes to be around someone filled with
such overwhelming sadness and gloom. No one
wants to hear how my mind aches every day, that I
have given up my hopes and dreams or that I wish
Allah (swt) would take my life quickly and subtly. My
heart hurts every day. I wish I could take a hold of
the heart within me, and sever it from my being.
Maybe then I wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe then I
wouldn’t feel dead inside.
I think of death all the time. It plays in the
background now. I have never understood suicide.
But now I do. I wonder about taking my life. Maybe
overdose on my medications. But there’s never
enough to overdose on. Psychiatrists know suicide
is always an option for the depressed, so they are
careful when they medicate. When I am driving, I
imagine what would happen if I made a slight
abrupt turn into a tree. But maybe I wouldn’t die.
Maybe I would find myself paralyzed and that would
be a worse existence, for then I’d still be alive, but
now a physical burden to my family. But the truth
is, I am still too scared of Allah (swt) and the
Hellfire to ever commit such a sin. I know suicide is
not an option. Faith has limited me to only
entertaining such an end, but never to commit to it.
I would never wish what I feel upon another human
being. I have no energy or zest for life, and no one
cares. The two or three people that know cannot
empathize. They only offer support when I reach
out to them, but I don’t want to be a burden. Can’t
they reach out to me? Can’t they ask how I’m
doing? Can’t they tell when I say, “ Alhamdulillah
(all praise be to Allah), I’m okay,” that I’m not okay?
Can’t they put themselves in my shoes? I so
desperately want someone to save me, yet I know
only I can save myself. I can use the help of
medication, of faith, of family, of friends, but only I
can see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope
to reach it one day.
But I could use some help.
People say: “Don’t worry, trust Allah.” “This is just
a phase. You’ll get over this.” “Be thankful for your
life. You’re not dying.”
But I feel like I am, why can’t they understand?
They may think depression is a first-world problem.
Maybe it is; maybe not. I thought depression was
something the weak-spirited suffered. I thought
Allah (swt) was enough. I thought medications were
simply a bandage. But I’ve realized, unfortunately
too personally, that depression is not black and
white. It is not something that one can wish away.
It is a battle that only the strongest of will win. I
know it will take me every fiber of my being to kill
this silent lurking monster.
Even though no one sees the emotional pain and
mental agony of depression; I am here to tell you, it
is real. Whether it’s due to the loss of a loved one, a
divorce, a bad test score or absolutely nothing you
can put your finger on—it is real. And you cannot
let it get worse. Whether you are the one suffering
or someone around you is. We must notice the
person who isn’t as cheery as they once were. We
must notice the drastic behavior changes in the
person we once knew. Notice physical changes:
weight loss, weight gain, dark circles, lethargy,
unexplained headaches, missed school days and
work days.

Please, help someone around you who is suffering.
Maybe they are suffering for unknown reasons;
maybe it doesn’t make sense to you. Maybe they
have been depressed for a couple of days or maybe
they have been depressed for months. Whatever
the case, if you can help- help.
We need to be there for our sister, our brother, our
friend, our coworker, our daughter, our son, our
student, our neighbor who is suffering. We need to
help them. We must not let it get worse. We must
not let them fall into an abyss of complete despair.
We must be forgiving for the missed phone calls
and the broken promises and the little changes that
make us question our relationship. Be forgiving. Be
empathetic. Understand that in the fog of
depression, human beings make bad decisions, say
things they wish they hadn’t and do things they
never would. The regret kills them from within. They
are miserable, and they don’t know how to tell
anyone. The smile they force hides a world of pain
and despair. Notice the fake smile and the blank
stares and ask, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m just tired.” “Oh, I think I’m getting sick.”
“Just a little stressed.” Don’t let these answers
distract you. Say: “I’m here for you. If you’re going
through anything at all, you can talk to me. Don’t
forget that.”
Know that depression lies to the sufferer. It tells
them: “You are worthless. The world would be
better without you. You are a burden to your
family. You are not smart enough. You are not
religious enough. You are not beautiful/ handsome
enough. You will never reach your goals. You are
nothing and you are all alone.” This loneliness
consumes the individual, completely paralyzing
them.
Tell them they are not alone. Keep texting, keep
calling, keep emailing. Just be there. Don’t let their
indifference, or their excuses dissuade you. So
many are suffering silently because they believe
no one cares. But keep trying. It will make a
difference. It will make all the difference. Everyone
notices a broken leg but no one notices a broken
spirit. Don’t be the person that lets months go by
while a friend or an acquaintance falls deeper and
deeper into his/ her depression.
And once they’ve revealed their “secret”, don’t
leave them. Don’t forget them. Don’t let weeks pass
by without checking up on them. And when you do
reach out, don’t simply say: “It’s going to be okay.
Just perk up. Be thankful. Don’t just sit around all
day. Get out of bed. Call me whenever you need.”
Though well-intentioned, this is not enough. Being
there for a person who is depressed is mentally and
emotionally draining. They will not call you. They
will not be the first to reach out. They do not want
to be a burden to you.
I do not want to be a burden to my family and
friends. So I will not call and I may not reply until
the third text. I know it’s selfish, but that’s what I
need now. And I do not want someone to tell me to
be thankful. I am already thankful. I pray to Allah
(swt) every day, and spend hours thanking Him for
what He has given me, in tears. And I ask Him to
forgive me for feeling how I feel. I tell Him how hurt
I am and how ungrateful I feel. I ask Him why I feel
like this. I ask Him to help me. I know I can’t ask Him
to take my life, so I ask Him what I’m allowed to:
“Grant me life as long as it is good for me, and
grant me death when it is better for me.” Always
hoping the latter is what is better.
If we want to be pillars of support for those who
are suffering, it will require effort. Over and over
and over again.
I am writing this having suffered this overwhelming
illness for about more than a year. I am okay today,
so I am able to write this. Yesterday I was a mess,
inconsolably crying filled with anxiety and despair. I
am writing this because I want to tell you how I
feel. And I want anyone suffering like me to know
that there are others that are observant,
struggling Muslims and that they feel the way you
are feeling. And that you should see a psychiatrist,
that you can take medication if that’s what you
need right now, and that it is okay to tell the people
who you love. And finally, always remember- even
when people disappoint you, Allah (swt) will never.
He is always there and He will always be there for
you. If He has kept you breathing, He has a purpose
for you, insha'Allah (by the will of God).

“…And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make for
him a way out. And will provide for him from an
unexpected source. And when someone puts all his
trust in Allah, He will be enough for him.” [Qur’an,
65:2-3 ]

May Allah (swt) cure you all of your illnesses, your
distresses, your pains and grant you the best of
healing. Ameen.

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