This Charming Life [Tig Trager] [Book Two]

IV. Hard Times

The initial high I had felt after my conversation with Sheriff Roosevelt had worn off in quick succession after a continous hit of bad news. The first came the morning after the Sheriff's visit. The visitation I had planned for two days later had been cancelled and the snotty prison officer on the other end of the call would give me no reason why. The second came when Lowen arrived at my house that afternoon to tell me that Alex had been moved into solitary and wasn't allowed phone calls or any contact of any sort even to discuss his defense, she had been told that 'there were questions being raised' and that was all she was given.

Upon hearing that I knew that I had made a bad decision. I had told Roosevelt everything and now he was using it to send Alex down. I cursed myself for being so stupid as to believe that he would actually want to help. My emotions had spiralled at this point. Over the last couple of weeks I had found myself having small sips of whiskey here and there just to take the edge of my emotions. I had even downed a few shots when speaking to Roosevelt. As a medical practitioner I knew that excessive amounts of alcohol were bad for my unborn child. But as a medical practitioner I also knew that while women were advised to abstain from drinking throughout there pregnancy, a small amount wasn't particularly harmful. The reason women were advised this is because it is difficult to measure alcohol intake so it's easier to say just stay away from it. Each time I had take a sip of alcohol I had reassured myself that I was just taking the edge of and that the baby was fine. When I had knocked the shots back I had told myself that there were kids born everyday whose mothers had been drunk or jacked up throughout the whole pregnancy and they went on to live normal and healthy lives. It was at this point that I knew I had reached a dangerous stage. I was justifying actions I knew were unacceptable. Actions that I condemned other people for. The thought had made me sick to the stomach and I had told myself that I would speak to Tara and sort myself out, I would be no good to Alex as a wreck.

However, finding out that my decision had probably just sent the man I loved to jail for the rest of his life changed me even more. I was in a strange state of depression and anxiety. The depression made me not care at all, I was completely numb, no emotion. But the anxiety made me care too much, my thoughts always wondering, panic always beating just under the surface. And it all culminated in a strange scenario where I sat drinking whiskey in my pyjamas at five in the afternoon. Each drink I would curse myself for being so weak, for potentially hurting my child and then I would worry myself into such a state, hate myself so much that I would reach for another glass. It was a never ending cycle and I didn't know how to break it.

By the day after Lowen's news I was a mess. In less that 24 hours I had gone from hopeful to pitiful. I had called in sick at work and had refused the company of Tara, Bobby, Happy and Chibs. They had all heard about Alex's new predicament and wanted to comfort me but I didnt want to see anybody. My train wreck of a life had ruined the best thing that had ever happened to me. I should never have come to Charming to buy that gun. I should never have met Alexander Trager. If I had just been sensible he wouldn't be in this position. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve the precious life that I was carrying. The hate I felt for myself burned through my veins and made my whole body uncomfortable.

It was almost a week into my drunken haze that I pulled myself from the messy pit that I had called a home. My normal insistance on cleanliness had gone out the window and I was now sure that I was living with several health hazards. I made my way to the clubhouse on foot, I hadn't been able to find my car keys or I would have risked the drive. It took me forty minutes to arrive and when I stumbled into the clubhouse I was met with shocked stares and pitiful eyes.

"Hey darlin'" Jax said cautiously as he walked over to me.

"Jackson!" I replied loudly, "It's good to see you" my voice slurred noticeably and I could see the worry on the faces of the boys.