Aurélie

Chapter Thirty Nine

In the glow of the bedside lamp Rory looked at Lena's delicate profile, now mauve with bruises. 

He should have been there. 

He could have helped her carry the boxes. 

Why on earth did he go to the hotel to get ready? He should have spoken to her when he had the chance. He let out a heavy sigh, a poor substitute for all the words that should have been said. That could have been said years ago if only he'd had the courage.

"Lena," he began, stopping, abruptly self conscious. He took a minute to watch the flashing lights on Byrne machine, the hum of the air conditioning and the low, almost unheard breathing of the woman who lay in front of him. He gently moved his chair closer to the bed, careful not to scrape it along the floor. 

Releasing the chair, letting the rubber buffers of the legs gently touch the floor, he took Lena's fingertips in his hands. Her fingers were so slim and her hand so small in his. 

"My darling, I wanted to do this properly. To talk to you like a man should, looking you in the eye and being direct. But here I am again, doing it all wrong. So many years ago I married Lucille. I met her and it was a whirlwind. It was when she was walking down the aisle towards me, her bouquet in front of her tummy, concealing Aurélie from me. I remember looking up at her... I should have been the happiest man in the world. But inside... I was devastated. Over her shoulder I saw you walking towards me. You my love, you who should have been the only one walking down that aisle. And I knew I had made a mistake... I knew it was too late," he took a deep breath. 

"What was I supposed to do? I couldn't stop it then.  And that night she told me about Aurélie. So many times over the years I have replayed the only dance we ever had together. I always brush over Lucille joining us. In my memories we dance forever..." He felt his voice breaking and he took a minute to regain his composure. 

"I gave it my best shot with Lucille. I honestly did. But I was lying to myself and I think she knew it. My thoughts of you consumed me. I had to avoid you at every turn for fear of being exposed as a liar. I couldn't do it anymore so I left. And Lucille turned to you for comfort. There was no way I could tell you how I felt then. It would have destroyed your friendship with Lucille, even if you didn't have the same feelings for me... I couldn't do it. I moved away. I always tried to gauge from Lucille if you would be around or if it was safe to visit. I'm a coward... a fraud. Part of me was relieved when you went travelling and moved to France. But I couldn't bear the thought of you with other men. You haunted me. Just knowing you were out in the world. Living your life, in the arms of someone else. It nearly drove me to distraction." He stroked her fingers gently. 

"Lucille rang me in a state one evening. She was upset that Aurélie was having such a tough time in London after all the hard work she had put in at uni..." he gulped. 

"So I suggested she should come and stay with you. I don't know what I was thinking. Call it madness, call it selfishness. I knew if Aurélie was staying with you, I would have a reason to visit. I love you. I'm in love you. I've loved you since you carried Lucille's train. I've been an absolute idiot. I couldn't have ruined it anymore if I'd tried." He stopped suddenly, aware of the door closing silently.

Seb had just left the room. 

How much had he heard? 

Rory hung his head, consumed by regret.