Even the Strong Cry

Chapter Five

Levi's Diary

Dear Diary;
I don't know what to do! Ever since Eren joined my squad nothing has been the same. I feel things for him in a way I've never felt for anyone before-what should I do? 
The first time I met him he just stood out from the crowd, he was so passionate about defeating the Titans, he was willing to die to save humanity, he passes training with broken equipment for goodness sake! I don't know anyone else with the same enthusiasm. 
Now that he's in my squad I don't know what to think, he's a cadet and he's almost half my age but he's so different from everyone else that it's hard not to notice him.
Just thinking about him lying lifeless on the floor of the hospital makes me feel like crying again. I can't stand losing him...
What should I do? If I tell him I love him then the others might find out and tease him, and I couldn't stand  knowing that it's my fault that others are bullying him. It's just not fair!
He's so adorable, and so eager to please me. Every time I turn away from him I feel like I'm kicking a puppy. I can't do this anymore! I need to tell someone how I feel, but who can I trust? The only person I can trust is Eren himself, but by telling him I'm giving him hope.
I want to tell him how I feel but I can't. I can't put my feelings into words. And I would never be able to give him what he wants. He deserves someone who can love him back, not someone like me. 
Just thinking about him makes my heart beat faster and the ache in my chest is unbearable! I've hardly slept since he fainted when he was with Hanji. I feel terrible, my head is throbbing, my heart is pounding and sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating from it all.  I've already been to Hanji, but she says it's just the stress of Eren being sick. She still doesn't know what's wrong with him. I hope it's nothing serious. Once he wakes up she'll run some tests, if he wakes up that it.
I can't take it! I feel like I'm going to explode! Sometimes my head hurts so much that I almost collapse! I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep working, I need to be strong for the other members of my squad, but  I feel like such a hypocrite, telling them to put their fears aside and concentrate when inside I'm terrified all the time. I'm scared that Eren won't wake up, I'm scared that if he does wake up there will be something seriously wrong. I'm scared that there's something wrong with me, but if there's nothing wrong with me then surely I'm going insane?
I'm going to talk to Hanji right now. I don't care what she's doing but I need to talk to her.
Goodbye