Lost.

Chapter 12

"They will send all of the students to study an extra year in the Sorbonne" she said excitedly.

"That's great Emily!! But a whole year!" I complained

"Yea i know. It's a long time but i'll always talk to you through out the whole thing you know. Please don't be upset you know how much i need this" she said.

"I'm not upset. I'll just..i don't know. I'll be alone for a whole year you know" i said

"I will always be there for you i promise. You won't feel like you're missing me" she said

"Okay, have fun baby girl. And see you in two days" i said hanging up as she said her good bye's.

I played with my coffee cup as the bells that were hanging right above the door announced a customer just got in.

I looked up to meet a pair of Hazel eyes looking at me. he flashed me a smile as i smiled back.

"

Dirtbag Ballet by the bins down the alley
As I walk through the Chalet of the shadow of Death"

I smiled weakly as i remembered what this song talked about.

it was everything you've come to expect by the last shadow puppets.

the story is that the groom left the bride because he realized that he's in love with his guy best friend.

which made me remember my ex boyfriend. except that he wasn't gay.

I smiled at the thought of my ex boyfriend being gay and my ex best friend being the guy he fell in love with.

"

Everything that I've tried to forget
Everything that you've come to expect
Everything that I live to regret"

i pushed a few strands of hair behind my ear as i put my glasses on getting ready to read "You get so alone at times that it just makes sense" by Charles Bukowski

I opened a random page and started reading,

"No Help of that. There is a place in the heart that will never be filled a space. And even during the best moments and the greatest times we will know it We will know it more that ever. There is a place in the heart that will never be filled and we will wait and wait in that place."

i smiled because the words described the whole situation perfectly. Even before i have this relationship. even when i loved no one. it was still there..

i walked through the pages stopping at a new random one.

"girls, please give your bodies and your lives to the young men who deserve them. besides there is no way I would welcome the intolerable dull senseless hell you would bring me. and I wish you luck in bed and out but not in mine. thank
you."

i giggled as the thought of having a sugar daddy came across my mind.

"what a bad idea" i said to myself. "If Charles Bukowski doesn't wanna be a sugar daddy, then no girl would want to have a sugar daddy. only the stupid ones would."
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5:25pm
I got up heading to the door as i heard a few knocks on it. I opened it and was surprised by Sam standing there smiling at me.

"Oh..hi Sam," i said smiling nervously.

"May i get in?" He asked politely.

"Sure, yeah" i stepped aside as he walked in.

"What a surprise" i said closing the door.

"I just thought about checking on you, to see how's your vacation going" he said as he sat on the sofa.

I walked to my phone and turned off my music, then sat next to him.

He sat facing me, "How are you doing?"

"Meh," i said shrugging my shoulders as i fixed my glasses' position on my face.

"I know that Emily is away, and you don't have anyone to talk to at the moment. So i thought maybe you would wanna talk to me?" He asked nervously.

"I'm Alright, you don't need to worry.
I actually made a few new friendships, and i started reading and writing again," i said as i nodded my head.

"But you have to get out of the house you do realize that, don't you?" He asked

"I do actually" i said defending myself.

"Going to the beach at night, and sleeping at a cafe shop is not what i mean Celine" he said narrowing his eyebrows as his face showed a clear expression of pity.

"It is to me" i said as i messed with my book.

"I know it's not much but it's what i feel comfortable doing" i continued before he could respond.

"I have something that'd make you feel better," he said smiling confidently.

"What is it?" I said trying to hold my excitement.

"A trip to Hawaii" he said still having the same smile on his face.

My excitement faded, "I don't wanna leave the country, plus Emily is coming soon and i have to spend time with her before her next semester" i said smiling disappointingly at him.

"Just for a few days, think about it" he said as he leaned back.

"I can't, plus who am i gonna go with anyways?" I asked shrugging my shoulders

"Me and my family for sure, you're gonna have great time" he said.

The idea danced around in my head but i couldn't stick to a certain decision.

"Give me time to think about it," i said resting my head on my hand.

"Deal, just please try" he said smiling hopefully at me.

"I will".

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9:40pm
I need to move on, i need to move on, i need to move on.

I sat on my couch hugging my knees as my thoughts kept on shouting at me.

I thought of how toxic that relationship was, of how many nights i've cried myself to sleep, of how many things i blamed myself for even though none of them were my fault.

But at the same time i thought of his blue eyes, his touch, his smile, the way he used to hold me, the way he used to say I love you, and the way i believed it.

None of what happened was my fault. Me falling for him ,or him imagining someone else in my place, or even my best friend blaming me because she can't love my boyfriend as much as he loves her.

It's been years but i'm still flipping the amazing act of courage mixed with cruelty she did when she asked me why can't she fall in love with my boyfriend. It still amazes me 'till this day.

So what now?, they're both gone. Probably still in love with each other, or probably became strangers, who knows.

It's been over 3 years now, isn't it time for me to move on and have a happy life just like they probably do.

I have to move on, i can't live like this forever. I need to stop wasting all of my energy on something that's already over.

I have to do it..for my sake..