I've been in my own head the last few days. When I let Calum in he told me everything, he told me how sorry he was and that he loves me. He told me she was just someone from his past and that he had a lapse in judgment. I told him what he did was kind of unforgivable, but that I also did it so I understand the guilt. I told him to wait, I told him to let me think things through and that when I'm done thinking we would either get back together or he would need to move on. He said he would wait and he kissed me. It felt so nice to kiss him again but I also caused me a lot of pain.
Luke and I aren't dating but I like him and know he just wants what's best for me. He's been there for me when I needed someone to be there and he never fails to put a smile on my face, but Calum and I have history and passion and when we're together all I ever think about is sex. I just always want him to be touching me but I also really just like the conversations we have together.
I wish I could just forget about what happened and move on but I don't think I could do that.
My stubbornness isn't going to let me off that easy. Why can't I just forgive him and we can go on dating. Calum seems to love me..but if you love someone no one should get in the way of that. Especially a fucking girl from his past. I can't forgive that so soon as much as I want to!
Grabbing my phone I call Luke and ask him over. He says he'll be over in a few hours so I take a shower and do my hair. I pull on sweatpants and a tank top and throw in some laundry before the doorbell rings and Luke let's himself in.
"Kat? Are you home! " Luke steps in and looks around and I rush to the door.
"Yeah hey, I'm here, how are you?" He smiles and hugs me tight.
"I'm good now, what have you been up too, you haven't returned my calls or texts. Are you ok?" I nod and sigh knowing I'm going to be hurting his feeling in a moment.
"Yeah I'm ok but we need to talk. I know we've been talking and we've had great sex a couple times but Calum keeps asking me to get back together and I'm torn because I like you a lot. And it's not just because you're a great fuck." Luke smirks a bit but frowns at me.
"Are you going to leave me for him. Baby he cheated on you. He fucked up, he doesn't deserve someone as sweet and as kind you. You've been through so much babygirl. Don't let him be the card that makes your house come falling down. "Although Luke has a point he's still friends with Calum.
"Luke you guys are best friends, it would be terrible of me to do that to you and let's not forget that I cheated on Calum with you. I like you but I'm not worth your friendship with Calum. I want to ask you to stay away from me. I don't want to cause anymore heartbreak or pain. I'm not ok with being that girl." His eyes seem to gloss over so quickly and tears immediately start to stream down his cheeks.
"No baby don't cry I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I rush to him and curl into his well built body letting his arms wrap around me and rock us both.
"I love you" Lukes voice cracks on the last vowel and I let my tears go. I'm to weak to say no, to selfish to let go, to angry to say yes and to vulnerable to answer. I can't let them into my head all I'm doing is fueling the fire. I can't do this any longer.
"If you love me let me go, let me leave and come back with my answer. If I say it back I won't leave baby. I won't let you go, let you live. I need to live, me, I need to think of myself for once!" Looking into Lukes eyes he seems to understand and he withdrawals from our embrace.
"I love you and that won't change. If you need time, I'll give you time. I'll give you space, I'll give you the tools you need baby, just don't forget me." Leaning down he presses his lips to mine and my heart swells with sadness.
"Please don't forget me." Wiping one of my tears away from my face he smiles at me and kisses me one last time before turning and leaving the house. Plopping down on the couch I let my head fall and I continue to cry. I let every last tear out.
Frikn shit. I need to start updating more. Comment if you think Kat should be with Luke or Calum?
