State Of Mind | sm + cc

:Four:

            The veins in my hands agonizingly pulsed as they felt like a blazing fire in the palms of my hands.

Their screaming pierced the thick air as I realized what I had done. I'm demented.

They taunted me even more getting louder and louder. My head pounded a million times before collapsing onto the caps of my knees.

My vision became blurrier as I hid my face with my large, monstrous hands.

I hurt her. Why did I hurt her? I'm disgusting. Disgusting, disgusting, disgusting. Never meant to, but I can't take it back now.

I bit my lip, mentally preparing myself to actually pull the trigger this time. To take it away. It'll make the the world go away; My thoughts, my pain, Camila's pain. I'm disgusting.

"I'm so sorry, Camila." I tried to wrap my arms around her to comfort her after what I've done. Tried.

"Don't touch me." She scoffed, looking at me in disgust. I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

"I'm so sorry, Camila. I have things going on with me right now and I-I didn't mean to hurt you. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that. I'm so sorry!" She cowered at my voice as I knew it was time.

My hands became frantic as I jolted off of the floor and to the night stand.

They got louder this time. They were serious, I was serious. They weren't taunting. They weren't screaming. They weren't whispering. They were crying. I was crying. Everyone awake in the world right now was crying.

My fingers took its place around the familiar base as I lifted it to the side of my head. The sounds were an explosion of noises bouncing back and forth in my head.

"Shawn!" I turned around, never moving my arm away, to see Camila slowly walking towards me. "I'm so sorry, Camila. If I do this, they'll go away. I won't hurt you again, too."

"Who's they?" Her small foot tapped the wooden floorboards as she inched closer to me.

"Them." I whispered, using my free hand to  point to my temple. Why did I tell her? She thinks I'm crazy. I'm not crazy.

"Shawn, please..." her hand grazed my arm lightly as she begged me to stop in her eyes.

The noises stopped. It was just our breaths in sync. She made everything quiet. Her touch. It did it.

I felt my arm become limp for a second. Then, almost forgetting, I straighten my posture as I knew what I planned to do.

"They'll go away if I do this. Everything will be better, Camila."

"N-No it won't." She stuttered.

"Yes it will! I hurt you! This is punishment."

"No! Please! You didn't hurt me! See? I'm fine. Just please don't do this!"

"No you're not. Plus, it'll be quiet again."

"Shawn! You mean so much to me! Please don't go away! I promise we'll find away to get rid of... them." She pointed to the general area of my head.

My hands became free as the gun fell onto the floor making a clack sound.

They're laughing now. They won. I lost. I always lose.

Camila immediately wrapped her arms around me. Warm.

They're quiet now.

"Don't ever do that to me again, Shawn." She pulled back as she moved her hair out of her face still sobbing. My head rested in the crook of her neck, balling my eyes out. Why did she make everything go away? All the pain and noise is gone. I didn't want to let her go. If I let her go, they'd come back. She's my ease.