State Of Mind | sm + cc

:Seven:

               I slid down against the bottom cabinet doors of the kitchen and wrapped my arms around my knees. I needed to be protected or cradled or... something.

What's wrong with me?

One long and cold shiver was shot down my spine. I hated being controlled. The worst part of me, really.

Stop laughing. Stop screaming. Stop opening your mouth. Just shut up!

My hands furiously grabbed my head and brought it in between my legs. My fingers, digging into my skull, were locked with one another. Chained.

I just want it to stop. All of these thoughts. All of these eruptions in my mind make me too nervous to function. Why am I only reacting to schizophrenia now? Why do I have to act up when I'm finally happy?

A hand lightly grazed my shin as I looked up to see Camila with worriedness written in her eyes. I made her look like that...

"It's alright, Shawny." She called me by my given nick name. She only ever called my that when I needed to be comforted. She wiped my cheeks of tears that I hadn't even noticed. "I'm sorry," I started, my quivering lip adjusting its place on my face," I'm just... ugh. I don't know."

Wrapping her arms around mine, she rested her light head on my shoulder. Her warmth radiated onto my skin, making me feel somewhat whole again.

"It's going to be alright, okay? Never doubt that." She planted her lips on my cheeks for a quick kiss. My cheeks became warm as well.

"I just want them gone, you know? You probably don't." My words were nearly inaudible now. What, with all my voice cracks and uncertainty.

"I can tell." She replied with a stern voice," maybe we should go see a therapist, or something." Her suggestion was deemed unthinkable to me as I had already done that kind of 'fixation' before.

"I've already tried that, it didn't work." My lips feel chapped today. "Maybe you should try again, but this time, I'll go with you and be there for support." Her fingers entangled themselves into my brown locks of hair.

"I don't know about that. I think I'd be too unstable for you to be there."

"I don't care. I'm always going to support you no matter what happens. I'll schedule an appointment and I'll go with you." She stood up and held her hand out toward me. Taking it, she uses all of her (little) strength to pull me up off of the ground.

"I love you, Shawn. Don't ever think I'm not there for you. Trust me, I am." Slinging my bulky arms around her, I think about her long hair and how it messily rolls down her shoulders.

I don't know what I did to deserve her charm and quality as a human being.

Why?