State Of Mind | sm + cc

:Fourteen:

              You were right. I hate you. Why are you always right? I didn't want you to be right, but you were.

I sat on the wooden bar stool in the middle of night like the desperate loner I am. As I mumble to myself, people walk by me and stare. I avoid eye contact with everyone besides the bartender. Taking a swig of the bland alcohol in the wet glass cup, I can't help but wonder what I'm supposed to do. Do I apologize? I can't just go back. It might make things worse. I don't even know, it's all far too confusing.

A vibration buzzed through the back of my pocket as I took it out.

Camila:
I'm sorry

Camila:
Can you please come home

Camila:
Tell me where you are so I can pick you up

I thought for a minute on whether or not I should respond, but I decide that I should.

Shawn:
I'm at the Great American Bar.

                              ++++++

               When she picked me up, she didn't speak at all. The car ride was silently miserable the entire time. I believe we both had something we truly needed to say to each  other, but just don't have the courage to say anything. There were lumps in my throat just I almost fought words through my lips.

Now we're just awkwardly sitting on the couch next to each other. We're both afraid that we might say something wrong, I can tell. I grit my together with anxiety.

"I'm sorry, Shawn." Camila fiddled with her fingers. This time, she actually made eye contact with me. This time, it wasn't for the sake of it, or in any apologetic manner, she sincerely wanted to look into my eyes. This was all I wanted to see from her.

"Stop apologizing." I scooted closer towards her. "No, I don't know what I was thinking back there." She bit her lip trying to figure out what words she should say next. "What do you mean?" Asking with nervousness in my tone.

"I should've said yes. I love you, Shawn. I do want to marry you. I shouldn't have brought your mentality into this. I'm sorry, again. Can we just please get married." She looked just as vulnerable as I did. Tears brimming in her eyes made me understand it all for her. "I don't think we should." I sounded like a damn fool saying this. I was the one proposed, yet I'm rejecting her. For the sole reason that we are both struggling during these times, getting married wouldn't make anything better. She was right back there. What was I thinking when I thought this would make everyone happier? I wanted her to be happier. I still do, but I need to actually think things through before I even suggest taking everything a step further. I really am a damn fool.

"What?" Her voice cracked for the millionth time this week. So much happening at once.
"You were right. Getting married isn't going solve all of our problems." I rubbed her arms, goosebumps all over.

"So, does that mean you want us to..." She paused and stared at the ground. "To what?"
"Break up?" She tried so hard to sound authoritative, but she was the same Camila yesterday and the day before that and even the month before that. "No... unless you want to..." "Oh no, I don't."

Awkwardness and confusion ran through all of our minds.

"I think..." I nervously began,"we should remain where we are in means of our relationship."
"Oh, yes, most definitely. I know I say this so many times, but I'll always be there for you. I am, without any doubt in mind, madly in love with you. You'll always have a shoulder to rest your head on." Attaching our lips together, her arms wrapped around my body and held me close.

"Thank you. I'm glad you look passed everything terrible in life and are always optimistic about us."

"It's what I do."